[Finding Hope]

Great topic,

 It was only after a year, when I asked him, do you know what you've done to me. He said, yes, I do and live with it everyday. I got the "sorry" but, his actions show me. I would have loved for him to fall down on his knees and beg my forgiveness. Just not who he is. We did get to the point, I could ask questions. In the beginning seemed important. I realized though, living through it over and over again wasn't helping me. I think that some men look at an apology as weak. Just my thought.
FH

[Sally Wood]

Finding Hope

Good thought.  Considering how important it is to the MLCer to be in control and be right and hero to their EA or PA, how can they walk that back and admit they were wrong?  I think that's very much a guy thing.
Sally Wood

[Anjae]

Sally Wood, I've merged your thread on one with the same/similar subject. I have also changed the title a little, so that it fits both threads.

I'm sorry is not the same as remorse or regret. I heard I'm sorry at lot in the beginning. Mr J also told more than once that he knew what he had one (at the time he had done far less than in subsequent years) was wrong. It merely means that, they are sorry and/or know it is wrong. But they are not changing their actions/ways.

Remorse does not have to come with words. It can come with actions.

They know they are wrong. Some of them may not say so, but they know.

While in Escape & Avoid MLCers aren't capable of showing true remorse. And even after, it may take them a while. And it may come with actions/the way they behave, rather than with words.

[Finding Hope]

Anjae,

You are so right, an apology is not the same as regret. I know he regrets what he's done. But the I'm sorry got caught in his throat. I read the 5 languages of Love. Very interesting how some show love. My guy is the kind that thinks doing the laundry is showing his love. Took a long time for me to get it.

I'm very huggy-kissy, he on the hand thinks folding my underwear and putting it away is how he shows love  This is where compromise comes in. He tries harder to be affectionate and I don't say anything when he doesn't give me as much as I would like. I just go to my underwear drawer and look at my neatly folded underwear 

He is doing things with me more. We're actually going white water rafting next week, that's really, really big. So, I look at that as my hugs.

FH

[KeepItTogether]

Mine says "I'm sorry" ALL THE TIME!  But of course, he does not change his actions.  I would much rather see the actions than hear the words, but I am still in the very beginning stages of all this. I actually wish he would stop saying I'm sorry b/c it sounds so canned at this point and I know he has no regrets at this point....other than getting married to me I suspect.

[Finding Hope]

Keepittogether,

I got sorry all the time in the beginning. It was only when we reached the part where we could talk about it and I could ask questions that I saw the remorse. And when he told me he lives everyday with the knowledge of the pain and damage he's done that I knew he had remorse. He once told me he regretted the whole time.

At the time I asked regretted that you did it or that you got caught. He said that I did it
FH

[KeepItTogether]

FH--good to know. There is definitely no talking for us at this point, especially while he's out doing whatever it is he's doing.  Patience. Patience. Patience. And wine.

[Medusa]

Keep, you can get all the regrets in the world, but until they change behavior, regrets are meaningless.

I read, somewhere (probably here) that regret is about I and remorse is about you. I think that's really important to understand. Regret is selfish. Remorse is not.

I also got tons of regrets. All about him and his feelings. One of the last things STBX said to me the day he lest was, "I've got to stop tortuting my wife". Notice how it was all about him and had very little to do with me? He couldn't even use a pronoun...I was an abstract "wife".

[terrified_in_TN]

Mirroring most everyone else's comments...Although its still WAY too early in the process for me, the closest thing I got post-D was "Im sorry I hurt you."

Its terrible to analyze a simple statement and pick it apart, but this is my take away from that small sentance:

"I feel bad because of the guilt I feel for hurting you, but not enough to do anything about it."

-T

[Lisa137]

My H apologized for upsetting me during a conversation that we had last week. Said he was sorry he made me cry and didn't mean to. Said he feels foggy and lost and gets angry easily these days. My BD was 6 months ago today.
Hugs to you!