[Mermaid]

Hi, I wanted to start this discussion for anyone married to a distancer, especially one who has now returned, and is entrenched in distancing activities.

My H was always a distancer in some ways, became more so with time, and less so during MLC in some ways. During MLC he talked a lot more, wanted to go out to parties, concerts, dinners etc, in a way he never had before. At first this was with me, then with OW. At some point, he stopped, and withdrew.

Now he thinks he's found a change he's happy with. He doesn't want to be married, but wants me. He doesn't spend much time talking to me, and when he's not working (he's a workaholic), his relaxation activities are private. He watches films with his headphones on, or listens to music; goes for silent 40km rides on his bicycle; goes to "scientific meetings"/ dinners with his doctor colleagues, no spouses allowed. He doesn't want to meet my friends. He will sometimes watch a film with me, or talk about politics. Nothing personal, no emotions. We also ML sometimes, but it's his pleasure that counts, not mine, and it's not emotionally intimate.

I've just found this website: http://www.marriagemissions.com/the-emotionally-distant-husband/. The author talks about the distancer's need for control, but the solutions are not on this site (I'll have to get the book mentioned there).

OP also did a review of Deluca's book about distancing, which you can find here:http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2929.msg175334#msg175334

In Deluca's book, the distancer-pursuer relationship will stop when the pursuer stops chasing. But that is only partly true. I can leave my H for days or weeks, and he doesn't change. I can talk about my feelings, and he doesn't change. He may never change, it's true.

But what alternatives are there? Anyone got the same situation? Anyone got some good ideas?

[HurtSoul]

Yet distancers want some one else to make the decisions...makes my head crazy, ya know? But if you do take control holy hell monster full on.

[Mermaid]

Yet distancers want some one else to make the decisions...makes my head crazy, ya know? But if you do take control holy hell monster full on.

In some things, but not in others. He's happy to be taken care of domestically (but not in the middle of MLC).

Oh yes, makes us crazy.