[Writingmom]

Confused wife,

I am new to this site so don't know what it means to "add a buddy", but in looking at your profile, we have more in common.  Would love to hear more about your situation!  This site is so helpful.  I keep saying that, but what a relief to find others in the same boat!

I agree that guilt is a huge part of his process and I do plan to take advantage of it!  It is so sad that he thinks a divorce will alleviate the guilt.  Not so.  The OW lives in another state, hours away, and they plan to commute back and forth, a new baby in the mix and make it work, PLUS they both like to be on the go and have fun, fun, FUN!  Wondering how this is going to work out, but I know, can't focus on him! 

Chat anytime! 

[Courageous wife]

I will try and get my situation posted tonight!  I think that it is great that we can chat on this site!

[HeartsBlessing]

I have met many people virtual and IRL who had to go through the divorce process to find out that it wasn't really the spouse or the marriage that was causing their unhappiness. Once he is "free", he will likely find that a life with OW isn't all that "free". Until he is willing to look inside for his answers, he may just keep running from one thing to the next.

Try to step away and focus on yourself.

As long as he engages in these "running" behaviors, he will never look within to face his own issues.

Nothing you can do about that...like Still said, focus on you, and improve yourself....it's all you can do at this point; this could go either way...and nothing is ever easy.

Take care.

[MarkedandHealed]

Great advice.  I have been following it, but gotten off track!  They paint such a convincing picture of happiness. 

I'm here with my H... he's just "totally happy" and moving on up, ya know?

It stinks. Don't believe what you hear.

AND HI CW! glad to see you here too. The whole gang is coming on over. YAY. When's the party start?

[sambriony]

I divorced my H in 1992 and remarried in in 1994.It is only a piece of paaper.Now the shoe is on the other foot, I am not being put off if he pushes for divorce.I know H views on it but the OW doesnt. They always put on a picture of happiness but what other choice does he have when he is living in a fog so thick he cant see himself.Dont lose Hope.God has a funny way of working sometimes!

[hurt01]

My h also filed for D right out of the gate. We separated in Dec 09. He moved in with OW in Jan 10 and filed for D in Jan 10. I hired a atty after i was served D papers because I would not sign the papers his atty drew up. He wanted it over in Jan. It made him mad I got atty , He didnt get his way. He has been NC with me ever since. We go to court in Aug. In our state if it uncontested after we both sign the D is finall in 30 days. Well that didn't happen. I pray the Lord will change his heart before our court date. I do not want a D , I love my H so it,s in the Lords hands.

I,m so sorry about your sitch. I dont have much input as Ive had NC with H in 5 months and am at a loss myself. But everyone on this board gives great advice. I learn alot reading others sitches and replys.

hugs

[perfusin]

I found out about my wifes OM Christmas Eve. She told me she wanted to move out and did and filed for divorce immediately. We have 3 young kids 5,8 and 12. Her MLC is classic. Approaching 40, started going to the bars with young coworkers. Coming home early morn or not at all. Lying and being secretive about everything. The divorce was final a few weeks ago. I still struggle to totally detach from her. I still hope and pray she will "wake up" and return to the women I knew. She blames me for her leaving and had to demonize me to carry out her new life of selfish freedom. Now that we are divorced I do not want to see or talk to her and only text her about the kids. She got what she wanted. Her total rejection of me was and is very difficult to accept. We were married 14 years and she can just screw around, move out and move on?? Three young kids and she won't even go to a marriage counselor?? Am I missing something? Oh right it's all my fault. I must be the devil? I have no choice but to pick myself up and move on. You bet I hope she will still come back so we can be a family again. But I won't hold my breath. She has no idea what was left in the wake of her devastation. She had been detaching from me for some time and had OM to distract her from dealing with reality. She has yet to deal with reality. Such a waste of 14 years and so unfair to our kids. I prayed alot and cried alot. Now I just pray alot. God helped me thru this. My question is why did my life take this unfortunate painful turn?

[Writingmom]

Perfusin,

I am sorry to hear about your divorce.  In a strange way I hope that it will bring closure, although you are right, with kids involved we are still left with a lot of pain and unanswered questions.  The thing that I keep going back to is that this is not "him".  His behavior is TOTALLY out of character and against his own belief system.  He looks dead.  He looks awful on the outside, is very defensive and angry to anyone that doesn't jump on board his happy train.  It is sad, but if this is what he projects outwardly, I can't imagine what is going on internally.

I'm sure that it's the same with your wife.  There is confusion and guilt and despair and it is all bottled up and manifesting itself with destructive behavior.  It isn't fair to the LBS's!  It's incredibly painful and devastating and confusing!  The pain that I feel for my kids is mulitiplied by a million compared to the pain from the loss of the marriage. 

If you have faith, as it sounds like you do, God will redeem your pain.  I believe that.  Oddly enough, He has spent the last year revealing my own weaknesses and flaws and I have used this time to open my eyes to the ways that I need to change.  (I have a devotional book called Streams in the Desert.  I highly recommend it.  Quick, daily, applicable readings.)  OTher things that I have read, unrelated to MLC, say that in painful times, we are actually doing ourselves a favor by allowing ourselves to feel the pain; that in experiencing it to the fullest, although unpleasant, we are actually helping the healing process along.  I believe that!

Again, I share in your frustration.  The ONE goal that I had in life was to never go through a divorce!  And now he is having a BABY with OW!?  WHAT has happened?  It's been a rollercoaster ride, and it aint over.     But I know that with God's help, the prayers and support of others, I will survive.  Right now I still feel like it's all I can do to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.  That's the blessing of children--we have no choice!  We have to be stable and "together" for them as much as possible.

Even though we are discouraged from looking ahead and guessing what stage they are in, it does help me to remember that their infidelity is based on pure fantasy!  It's a charade.  It's a bubble, and it WILL burst.  When or how, I don't know, but as it says in Proverbs 5, we can't scoop hot coals on to our laps and not get burned!  I believe that there will be consequences and realization.  It just doesn't always happen in our time.  Take care and vent anytime! 

[Free at last]

Good evening. My bomb drop was May 09 she filed in Nov 09 served me New Years Eve09 after trying to come home 3 different times. We haven't spoke since Feb 10 and went to court in May it was postponed till July 19 then yesterday my attorney emailed me it has been changed to Aug 5th, I've heard she's going bankrupt I'm not sure but I'm tryin to move on I have met a nice 52 year old gal that is really nice to me and I'm thinkin I need to let go and just move on. The rewritten history has been really hard on me thank God my kids are all adults even tho its still been hard on them. She is finally communicating with them and our grandkids thank God. 

[Dontgiveup]

My ex-wife has also gone totally out of her belief system as well with the divorce.  Knowing this and trying to gain an understanding of MLC has helped me emotionally.  I've read books and articles that talk about the strong and strange emotions that come with MLC.  I read a comment from someone who had experienced MLC that said she couldn't believe how strong the emotions were.  The feeling of complete "emptiness" is something else I have read a few times.

Many MLCers, including my wife, have said things like they were "numb" to God, or they couldn't "feel" God, or they didn't "trust" God.

I understand how hard this is on the LBS.  I am one.  I also believe in who my ex-wife is at her core.  Right now, though, her emotions are all over the place.  Time.  Patience.  Faith.