[Thundarr]

It is often said that God brings people into your life for a reason, and today was as much proof of that as I think I could imagine.  We hired a new Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner (in this state an advanced degreed nurse who has all the privileges of a psychiatrist but is under the supervision of one) recently and she and I clicked right off the bat after finding out we had several friends in common.  We are now FB friends and she happened to see the post I made yesterday about it being my 20th anniversary and all and pulled me aside today to ask how I was doing.  She asked me if she was in peri and I started giving vague details about our sitch.  Her immediate response was, "She's having a midlife crisis."  I was stunned to hear her say this and she went on to describe it in detail, thinking I was perhaps unaware of the symptomology and characteristics.  She described to a T what women in MLC act like and do, from the teenage clothing to the changed hairstyles to the selfish behavior and all.  She told me that when she had worked in Primary healthcare she saw this very often, and also dealt with the spouses of MLCers who were so distraught and in disbelief (ring a bell, anyone?).  I asked her why the medical and psychological communities do not recognize it and was very surprised and also optimistic with what she had to say.

First off, to give a bit of background as to why she knows as much as she does about MLC.  She detailed the story of how her XH began acting strangely around the time he turned 40 and displayed all the bizarre behaviors that we see documented here on a daily basis.  He abandoned her and their kids and she found out he was having an affair with her best friend only after he had moved out, but she later found out it had been going on beforehand.  She stood for her marriage for approximately 3 years overall but eventually had enough and SHE filed for D.  She said that several months after the D was finalized she had driven the kids to drop them off with him and he asked her out on a date.  He came clean and told her he had made a huge mistake and that she was his best friend, but she had already closed the door and was not open for an R.  Much of what she said very much reminded me of Stayed's H's letter, and the NP said that her H made the statement that he did all the things he did because he no longer felt like a man and was desperately trying to regain his masculinity.  Consequently, around this time she had embarked on her own journey to find herself after ending her stand (she had not known about MLC until afterward) and was in a yoga class when two of her friends around her age at the time (41) admitted to her that they were dating 25 year-olds.  She was flabbergasted and realized she saw much of the same symptoms in the women as she had her XH and began to explore the possibility of a biological explanation.  Since then, she has done an extensive amount of research on her own and has seen this play out routinely.  She stated that she would estimate that 80% of the women she treated who divorced in their 40's had all the symptoms of MLC, but that most simply dismissed their behavior as "It's a woman thing" and "that's just how women are."  She said that those same behaviors in men were attributed to "boys will be boys" and NO ONE wanted to talk about a possible hormonal link in men, BUT most were quick to point out a hormonal link in women!!

She stated that there IS an acceptance of MLC in the medical community between practitioners now but few who will state it publicly simply because of the stigma attached to it.  According to her, there is extensive research being done in the hormonal and endocrine systems to explain the behavioral and personality changes that are becoming too widespread to continue to be ignored.  Her belief is that within the next ten years we will not only have recognition and a diagnosis but also treatment for MLC.  As she pointed out, it wasn't until the last ten years that MLC began to be talked about openly and not dismissed as a joke as it had been for years.  Her research back then was pretty much limited to the Conways and a few other sources she named that she is going to look up and bring in for me.  She pointed out that now there is a great deal of information on the internet (no mention of HS though, unfortunately) and new practitioners in the field are becoming aware of it earlier on and as a result recognition is increasing in the community.

So, what is the reason for the optimism that MLC (or whatever it will eventually be called) will be accepted and treated?  Take a bow, ladies.  The biggest factor that is affecting the research is the increase of women in the field.  Overall, all the research done on the hormonal and endochrine systems has been very male-centric and hormonal problems were relegated to women and teenagers only.  Several years ago the term "andropause" was pretty much unknown as was the fact that men experience MONTHLY hormonal cycles just as women do and many report symptoms consistent with PMDD.  The vast majority of men studied who are believed to be in "MLC" report feeling a lack of virility along with the fear of dying (probably a biological alarm going off) and women report the fear of appearing "matronly" most commonly.  With the increasing number of women now in the field and soon to be entering it along with advances in technology that make studies possible now that would have been impossible ten years ago, she feels that the research will finally shed light on a testable diagnosis and evidence-based treatment approaches to hopefully eradicate this terrible condition.

I hope some of what I wrote is helpful, and I apologize if I rambled or was unclear as I worked 13 long hours today and as I'll document on my thread it has been a very emotional day (but not because of MLC, thankfully).

And, btw, she stated that the average for women to complete their crisis has been about 5 years in her experience but some are shorter.  We didn't discuss the timeframes for the men but we are having lunch or dinner next week and she'll share much more with me then.  While all of this really gave me peace by just knowing that at least someone wouldn't look at me like I believed in UFO's or something, I was most comforted by the fact that she told me she completely understood and supported my reasons for standing and would do the same in my situation.

[Anjae]

Thank you, Thundarr. So, we were right all along.  There are hormonal changes at play when someone is in MLC (and neurochemical ones I would add).

If you can, please ask NP which internet resources is she taking about. Would be useful to know them.

Would also be interesting to know what is the timeline she considers for men in MLC

Women now being on the field leading to more research in hormonal factors in men makes sense.

Really hope in the next ten years there will be a diagnosed and recognition of MLC as well as a treatment. If the causes are hormonal (and neurochemical), has I think they are, there has to be a treatment.

Please keep posting your talks with NP.

Forgot to say, it is actually pretty upsetting to know MLC could, if not be cured, mitigated, and have to suffer all the troubles a spouse going through one causes. That part I don't like.

[trusting]

I guess I really wonder at the treatment aspect of it because MLCers won't acknowledge they are in a crisis, it is everyone and everything else that is the problem.  I can't see them willing to seek treatment.  My H has not been open to treatment for depression or therapy of any sort during his crisis.

[Anjae]

Good point, Trusting. No idea how one would deal with the MLCer unwillingness of being treated (compulsive treatment?). Think alcoholics and drug addicts. It is not easy to make them be willing to seek help/treatment.

[Ready2Transform]

her H made the statement that he did all the things he did because he no longer felt like a man and was desperately trying to regain his masculinity.

HOSS!!

Thank you so much for the report.  Will be looking forward to all future info, and I'm so happy for you that you've found a buddy that *gets* it.

[Stillpraying]

Thundarr.  You wrote very clearly.  Thanks for posting.

Could it be that treatment may be effective in the early stages???

Just before H left I told him my mum said she thought he was having a mid life crisis and he replied "Maybe" in a receptive way.  A few months after he left he was insulted when his mother suggested it.

I gave the book 'Men in midlife crisis' to a mum in school when she explained how weird her H was behaving.  They are still together a few years later.  It hasn't been easy for her but she learnt very quickly how to respond and I think that may have saved them.  Her dad left when she was little.

[trusting]

Could it be that treatment may be effective in the early stages???

I think part of the problem is that we don't realize something is very wrong with them until they are deep in crisis.  Once the crisis gets going, the only way through it is to just go through it.  I don't know that there is any way to prevent it.

[Thundarr]

I think prevention might be the ultimate goal.  Once point she made is that it's still not okay for men to admit they have hormone fluctuations, and that once they do they will be more likely to get them checked out when they know something doesn't feel right.  We have said many times that our partners knew something was wrong and tried to fix it themselves long before BD.  Perhaps getting men in a routine of having their levels checked, especially once they are past a certain age, will go a long way in the possible identification and treatment of this condition.

[Bailmor]

Thunder,

This truly is an eye-opener.  I hope this information and the subsequent studies will provide the necessary treatment for MLC in the future.  Thank you for so eloquently relaying this information.  I kind of thought in the back of my mind that hormones and brain chemicals were huge factors in MLC, along with childhood issues and perhaps adolescent deficiencies.  After going through this journey, all LBSers should receive their honorary degrees in psychology or psychiatry for persevering through this process.  Continued success  for you, T.

Bailmor   

[trusting]

But what about the childhood issues?  Those can't be prevented by the MLCer.  I will say that I have been "lucky" enough to have plenty of discussions with my MLCer when he has opened up about the mess that was in his head.  He never mentioned fear of death or losing his masculinity as something he wrestled with. There was plenty there about needing validation, self esteem, and even problems with family, all stemming from his childhood.