[barbiedoll]

Menow.. I like your answer! Thank you. Maybe working on ME is something that is just naturally happening as I do ask myself hard questions, I confront thoughts about so many things that just layed dormant under what i thought was a secure safe mariage. So some of this "work" is just part of the process and not as concrete as imagined. I am impatient for peace and joy.. I am trying to catch it as it runs from me.

[Thirsty Duck]

It takes time to find "me" again. After decades of being "us", the journey you must take to find me is hard; its uncomfortable. It feels unnatural.

I agree with MN, you are inching your way forward. As you progress, it will become easier and you will take bigger steps quicker. Sometimes you will pause, sometimes you will question yourself and retrace your footsteps, but you will continue to move forward. There is a quote which reads, “When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen. Either there will be something solid for you to stand on - or you will be taught how to fly.”

[MeNow]

Menow.. I like your answer! Thank you. Maybe working on ME is something that is just naturally happening as I do ask myself hard questions, I confront thoughts about so many things that just layed dormant under what i thought was a secure safe mariage. So some of this "work" is just part of the process and not as concrete as imagined. I am impatient for peace and joy.. I am trying to catch it as it runs from me.

That's right. You're moving along just as you're supposed to. Each of us has a different timetable. I think you are sensitive and what happened really hurt you in a place deep inside. It takes time to pick up the broken pieces.

Hugs

[Medusa]

Barbie, I was the same as you early on. One day I realized that all those overcoming affairs books weren't helping and I stopped wasting my money. The problem I had with them is that they kept focusing me on the affair. So I started reading different types of self-help books. I started with one on co-dependency and moved on to ones about anger, about healing from abandonment, etc. That's my experience, for whatever its worth.

It takes time and energy and, for many of us, being away from them and their mess. I didn't really start to heal until he moved out. A year later, I don't even recognize the person I became when MLC hit.

We do lose ourselves both to our marriages and then to the crisis. I did all kinds of stuff in the beginning just to distract myself. I joined a gym, got my navel pierced, took dance lessons...anything to stop me from thinking about what he might be doing. Some thing have stuck, others haven't. The way I look at it is that we are similar to teenagers who are discovering themselves.

[in it]

I tried to set tiny goals.. little things and take pleasure in simple things.

Once again..I went through a huge grieving period kind of like the 5 stages of dying. Although that sounds negative at the other end is the postives.

My relationship died with my teenage children this time. So I've had to let go of quite a bit.

Still I have met other people who have put my own life into perspective.

[Dji76]

I struggle the most when I look ahead at an uncertain future. When I focus on the moment things don't seem so bad... Most of the time. Having been with my w since 19, looking back to who I was/what I did before isn't an option. I know I missed some personal development having lived with her from that age to 37. I'm not one for self help books. For me it's really all about learning who I am as I go. I have identified some issues I have (passive agressive, never living in the moment, procrastinating) and am working on changing those.

I just thought of this... Someday I like my new life, others I dont. I'm going to try to do more of the things I did on the days I liked. Maybe that will help?? Trial and error I suppose. When I'm home alone and I'm down I put on some music and force myself to move. I clean, paint, cook etc. it seems to help.

[living with Hope]

Barbiedoll,

we are in different places in our journey - you are in a repair/reconcillation phase and I am in a totally been discarded phase but what we have very similar is that we are maybe both trapped in the "trauma circle".

I am working on detachment, I am working on letting go.  My pain, my need for answers, truths , understanding is causing me I think to be stuck.  I am trying hard to figure out who I am now.  For 22 years, I was his wife, for 5 before that I was his girlfriend.  I was his everything.  It was me and him living the life together in love and now I am nothing.  He left as my role as a Mother was changing.  Teenagers  need their Mom's in a different way.  Still needed but different. So not only has my identity as a wife but as a Mother been challenged.

I too maintain myself - I get out and I take care of me with friends, family and things I like to do.  But it does not have the same quality right now.  At times it feels right and at others it is false.  I read and read, looking for anything that will help me out of this  pit of pain I keep finding myself returning to.  I try different methods of coping only to return to my safe haven of my marital bed.  It is the only place, I feel safe right now.

People around me do not see me working on me either.  They think I am wallowing.  They don't want to talk about it with me.  They only want me to be laughing, smiling.  I know I am wallowing to an extent but I really am trying to process it all.  I too want to return to ME.  I too want balance, peace and for once not be struck with fear, anxiety and pain of it all. 

So I continue to be a work in progress. 

[Dji76]

I'm sorry, those are a lot of changing identities to face all at once. I feel for you but you are right, we are at different places. My w is in the early stages of replay and I only get my little ones 1/2 the time. Very few here are in an enviable stage. We are all still a work in progress, will be for years (forever?). It's good that you realize sometimes it feels "normal", that's progress. Today is the first day in 15 weeks I feel any sense of normal. I'm guessing this is how it happens... Very slowly and with lots of backsliding.

[rubyhearted]

I find poetry to be a great healer. Limericks are great because they are a little mean and a little dirty by nature. Here is a sample. There are so many eloquent people on this forum. Let's see what we can come up with to help us all heal and perhaps forget our troubles for a moment...

A man in Excelsior in crisis
His wife he left in a tri-sis
He hooked up with Michelle
His life went to hell
Please pity that man from Excelsior!

Haiku is fun too....remember the 5/7/5 format..

My love lies broken
Crisis controlling our life
Must stand in patience

Or there is the classic Iambic Pentameter..

Pushing and shoving, ache threatens love
I will not yield
My decision to stand from above

Confusion and hurt tempting friends
I will not yield
Healing myself my goal, my end

Hatred and anger ring loud
I will not yield
Forgiveness and love must win out

My soul so at risk
I will not yield
Myself defined, awaits love's first kiss

[Anjae]

Ruby, I've merged your threads. Please be so kind to stick to a single one until it reaches 150 post/16 pages. It is easier for us to follow you, your story, your thoughts/ideas and it also allows board resouces to be spared. Thank you.

Creativity is a great healer and a very good way of dealing with a spouse MLC. Early on I got into writing poetry, of late I'm into photography.