[31andcounting]

I think I started out EARLY on in this changing for H .  But all of the true changes I have made have been for me and no other reason.  Change to keep myself from spiraling down into his depression, you know keep my sanity!! But as I am nearer to the end of the tunnel than the front of the tunnel (not out yet!) I see that the changes I have made are beneficial to both of us but were made for me!!  It makes me feel good to recognize that!  Glad I read this discussion
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[Albatross]

I finally find out what's mean sentence which my wife wrote several time on her blog. "Is it end approaching me ?"
Some day she said that our dog eat much then before. I said, maybe because he feel that end coming to him ? She said: "So he wanna do whatever he like before end life ?

One of causes my wife MLC is obviously aging. She wanna be young again, live life again but from scratch. REPLAY foundation, that cause have nothing with her previous life, neither spouse, marriage. In any circumstance other life, other spouse, she will hit MLC.

Like talking to God: "That is life ?" WTF ? I wont be old, wont die, I wanna live again." Ignoring reality and start to live in fantasy world.

She use to have faith in God, maybe under my influence, she does not literally believe in God, but believe in goodness, kindness...  She come from atheistic mother and only traditional by faith father. I ask her several months ago: "Do You believe in God ?" She said: "No."

[Snowdrop]

Looking at the Emotional Guidance Scale, I can actually feel the difference as I read the words.

Great thread Albatross, thank you!

Was curious why the name Albatross, and now I know symbol of "psychological burden that feels like a curse"

[Albatross]

Looking at the Emotional Guidance Scale, I can actually feel the difference as I read the words.

Great thread Albatross, thank you!

Was curious why the name Albatross, and now I know symbol of "psychological burden that feels like a curse"

You are welcome. I did not know that what You wrote, thank You. I am forever learner, like to learn whole my life. Why I pick Albatross as nick on many forums is: I like sky, highs, freedom, and Albatross is magnificent bird, they also rare monogamous birds. If their mate die, they live until death alone ! In my case will be like that, with my soul-mate or alone forever... I am pure romantic guy who believe in love.

[Snowdrop]

When H and I met, I was relatively happy, and quite outgoing.  Over time, I felt that I kind of dragged along, and went through the motions, but then, a few years before BD, there was a definite sense of gloom.  I used to think it was just me, being home for years, loving being with the kids, but maybe it was time for a change, but not yet, when they were a little older.  So that was okay, a normal reaction, I thought, and quite happy to wait until the right time to consider other options ie work or school. 

The kids and I would be all fine and happy, and the second H walked into the house, the atmosphere instantly changed.  The air became thick, and everyone got upset.  It happened every time.  Almost like we were waiting for the next episode with him. 
Just before he left at BD, I remember walking to the mall, thinking how do I get out of this, how do we make it stop?  I couldn't stand it anymore, but I would never leave him or the kids, and knew he would never get help, as it was never his "fault".

After a year of him being gone, and going through the process of grieving, I can honestly see that person I used to be coming back.  Not that I left, but just maybe on hold? 

I used to think it was me who had the problem, but reading this, I see that maybe it was my reaction to some of my own things going on, but additionally, his too. 

When I think of standing, I guess I go back to thoughts of that man, and no, I would never subject myself or the children to that EVER again.  There would have to be drastic changes for me to ever want to be around him, if at all. 

Everything was my fault, the kids fault, you name it, and I wondered was it me, or was he just abusive, but now, I do think hes in MLC, so maybe all that other stuff was just his struggles.  Doesn't mean it was okay, as we were still targets, but I feel the kids and I are somewhat relieved to not be in it anymore.

We are happier people now than I think we ever were.  Sure, we miss the man he was, but that man has gone, and we are coming to accept it.

Maybe this is the real us, and the real me was hiding the last couple of years before he went, but never knowing why, but sensing something wasn't right.

[Beautiful Heart]

Hi,

May I ask a Replay question? My H was friendly with me when he dropped the bomb. We slept in the same bed for a few months after, we were intimate for a couple of months. I was staring the whole pleading thing. he began to blame me for everything, he just got meaner and more nasty in the next couple of months. He started leaving home on the weekends. He eventually started staying away from home on the week days. Eventually he only came home 1 night per week, at this time he stopped talking to me all together. He said It would all click with me one day, how bad of a wife I was.
He moved out of the house this past May. He emailed me in June and July. Now...nothing.
It seems that he progressively disappeared little by little. Is this what they do in replay? Move further and further away until they disappear? I am guessing this is movement through the tunnel?

BD 3/2010~unhappy
BD 3/2012~no longer wants to be in a committed relationship
     4/2012~D filed
     2/2013~emailed to let me know he is dating
     5/2013~moved out
Married 31 years/together 36 years

Thank you for the input...I appreciate it!
     

[hopeandfaith]

Beautiful Heart, I want to replace one word in one of your sentences...'It would all click with me one day, how bad of a HUSBAND I was'

This sounds like guilt and projection.  Were you fairly forgiving during this period?  Do you think your willingness to stand by him during this period just made him feel more guilty?

I did the same thing and wouldn't change my actions but I do remember H saying that I didn't deserve his confusion about 4 months before he moved out.

[Albatross]

Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way. The defense mechanism of regression, in psychoanalytic theory, occurs when an individual's personality reverts to an earlier stage of development, adopting more childish mannerisms.

 Jung had earlier argued that 'the patient's regressive tendency...is not just a relapse into infantilism, but an attempt to get at something necessary...the universal feeling of childhood innocence, the sense of security, of protection, of reciprocated love, of trust'

Jungians had however already warned that 'romantic regression meant a surrender to the non-rational side which had to be paid for by a sacrifice of the rational and individual side'

[serenity]

Beautifulheart,

As horrible as this is for you, it's all pretty script and normal in MLCer land. They do pull away more and more. Try not to worry, my H did this. I was terrified at the time. Things Wil change again - they always do.

My H turned back towards me around the three year mark. I saw all sorts of strange bshaviors until then. Come to think of it, it's still strange! He he.

X

[in it]

My H turned back towards me around the three year mark. I saw all sorts of strange behaviors until then. Come to think of it, it's still strange! He he.

I'm sure the one I was involved with behavior is still strange and I'm really glad I don't have to see it, listen to, it sleep with it or anything else!

Too bad nobody else in that family SEES it.