[Albatross]

Regression, according to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, is a defense mechanism leading to the temporary or long-term reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way. The defense mechanism of regression, in psychoanalytic theory, occurs when an individual's personality reverts to an earlier stage of development, adopting more childish mannerisms.

 Jung had earlier argued that 'the patient's regressive tendency...is not just a relapse into infantilism, but an attempt to get at something necessary...the universal feeling of childhood innocence, the sense of security, of protection, of reciprocated love, of trust'

Jungians had however already warned that 'romantic regression meant a surrender to the non-rational side which had to be paid for by a sacrifice of the rational and individual side'

As my wife hit escape & avoid September 2011. (her birthday) she start to detach from world. After whole year in escape and avoid she hit EA preciously at her birthday again September 2012. At new year she ban me in bed. At February I ask her what happening to You ? And we start to talk about our marriage, that was bait... She said that our marriage is on low point, we can't go lower. And I catch the bait. Before we clash she was typical ANTIHERO. After clashes she REGRESS A LOT ! After fighting she become ACCOMMODATER. So, she blame self before clashes, after clashes she start to project blame on me.

And took almost 6 months to back on track. Regression is defense mechanism. She was so scared and anxious that was unbearable to watch... It was like I am SS officer in her eyes and she was little 6 year old Jewish girl in concentration camp. It was most frightening moment of my entire life !

[Dreamer]

Dear hope and faith,  I only see my h 1 or 2 times a week for about 10 minutes, when he takes our grnd dtr to school. He keeps saying to me you know this is not about her,it's about us. I don't give any response as I don't know if I should talk relationship. He is constantly trying to make ow like she has nothing to do with this and she is a good person. Do you think he is trying to convince me or himself? How to respond when he wants to talk relationship?

[Anjae]

Thank you for starting a new Replay thread, Albatross.

Except that “regression” (I don’t truly believe they regress, juts that there are all sorts of neuro chemical and hormonal imbalances that makes them see everything twisted is self-destruction. “Regression” does not protect the MLCer from anything, it just causes more and more damages to themselves, families, friends, you name it.

It was like I am SS officer in her eyes and she was little 6 year old Jewish girl in concentration camp. It was most frightening moment of my entire life !

I see it more the other way round. Mad MLCer looks like menacing,violent SS officer that needs to kill everything (at least male MLCers who become violent do), LBS is the 6 year old Jewish girl that has to go because she knows to much about the MLCer.

[panda]

A question about REPLAY:

Is the MLCer aware that they are wrecking everything in their life and are so out of control they are unable to do anything about it?  (ie alienator attraction)

Do they truly believe that the OP is 'the one'?

Or, are they totally oblivious and just living for the moment.

[in it]

Do they truly believe that the OP is 'the one'?

They want a CLEAN SLATE.

 Someone who has NO clue what they are about. They believe thier own Bullsh!t because they have no sense of them selves and are looking outside of themselves to try to find it.

They are looking for praise and admiration and what they look at as POSITIVE feed from someone who's in worse shape than them. Hard to believe that's possible..Right?.

What they don't realize is NO ONE ELSE CAN GIVE THAT TO THEM. They have to give it to themselves instead.

[panda]

Thank you. 

I am clearly getting impatient!  I want this all to go away. 

[Albatross]

A question about REPLAY:

Is the MLCer aware that they are wrecking everything in their life and are so out of control they are unable to do anything about it?  (ie alienator attraction)

No.

Do they truly believe that the OP is 'the one'?

Or, are they totally oblivious and just living for the moment.

I believe so.

[Albatross]

Thank you for starting a new Replay thread, Albatross.

You are welcome !

Except that “regression” (I don’t truly believe they regress, juts that there are all sorts of neuro chemical and hormonal imbalances that makes them see everything twisted is self-destruction. “Regression” does not protect the MLCer from anything, it just causes more and more damages to themselves, families, friends, you name it.

They regress, believe me, I am the witness. It took so long time that she get back in present ego state which is closer of her ego before MLC. I can tell You more details about it, if You are interested.

It was like I am SS officer in her eyes and she was little 6 year old Jewish girl in concentration camp. It was most frightening moment of my entire life !

I see it more the other way round. Mad MLCer looks like menacing,violent SS officer that needs to kill everything (at least male MLCers who become violent do), LBS is the 6 year old Jewish girl that has to go because she knows to much about the MLCer.

I can partially agree with You about this. But believe me they are frightened to death. They do not know what happened to them. Like You say they live in la - la world to avoid pain. So they reactions are pure defensive.

So, GOLDEN RULE for LBS repeated as MANTRA million times is:
Detach = Leave their twisted emotional roller coaster to keep SANITY, otherwise You will be socked in their madness.
Let it go = Cut the ties with them, they have to ESCAPE & AVOID. Otherwise if You push them they will be more DEFENSE and distant from You.
Surrender = You can't fix them, only they can do, but they need long time to do it with God's help.
Acceptance = Our marriage is in their hands and Gods hands, normal person have to accept reality otherwise will become la - la as they are.

We have to rebuild our self, and wait. Love them even they are broken. Provide for them sanctuary. I made here success. My wife is 100 % reconnected with home now. She escape from reality in our home, she feels safe there. Why ? Because I don't expect anything from her. Don't ask anything. Just respond instead react.

[in it]

I am clearly getting impatient!  I want this all to go away. 

And that's NOT unusual... I wanted that also..I thought I'd die from the destruction and watching what the kids were going through. He was driving me NUTS!!  As much as I tried NOT to be effected I might not hear from him and get a little stronger 9 days later he'd do something again to get my attention. It was like he could SENSE it!

I didn't know enough to simply stop the roller-coaster and get off and let him self destruct.

 The girls were the only thing that woke him up. He was going to lose THE girls...not me. HE KNEW I WAS STILL THERE. He was trying to hurt ME as much as possible make me PAY for HIS life. But he was killing the kids along with me.

Now he has gotten rid of me again and he has the girls this time. No ow that I know of..maybe he does..who knows... who cares..

[Snowdrop]

So, GOLDEN RULE for LBS repeated as MANTRA million times is:
Detach = Leave their twisted emotional roller coaster to keep SANITY, otherwise You will be socked in their madness.
Let it go = Cut the ties with them, they have to ESCAPE & AVOID. Otherwise if You push them they will be more DEFENSE and distant from You.
Surrender = You can't fix them, only they can do, but they need long time to do it with God's help.
Acceptance = Our marriage is in their hands and Gods hands, normal person have to accept reality otherwise will become la - la as they are.

Well said!  Agreed!  The more you do it, the easier it becomes, but so much more easier when the MLCer isn't around, otherwise, so difficult and painful, can't imagine. Truly feel that working on detachment brings such a sense of peace and calm because it brings a sense of indifference at times.  Lots of cycling, but it does get better. I think detachment is different for different people, and some find it easier than others, depending upon their own history and coping mechanisms, and their relationship with their spouse throughout.  Family and friends can either be a huge plus, or a huge detriment, when it comes to that, I feel, as after all is said and done, no "advice" from anyone who doesn't understand or experience it, might not be the best, although with good intention.

Thank you Albatross.  Have a nice flight!