[HeartsBlessing]

Ladies,

Usually a major life event can "trigger" a MLC.  In my case, and I'm digging way backwards here, my husband's mother died in 1996, he went into some kind of a personal crisis for six months; it had all the markings of a MLC, only my husband was 33 at the time...I was treated terribly for that time...we came out six months later, neither one of us having learned a dang thing...and in 1999, my husband was involved in an accident that resulted in a fatality, and it threw him into the tunnel.  He was 36 by then, I was 32.

He said later that his company was trying to get him to go to counseling, and he refused to go, and he said that although he knew deep down they were trying to help him, it brought out a deep anger within him...and he said that was when he went into something he could not explain, but it wasn't good.
He said his view of me changed considerably, that I'd meant nothing to him, and he'd gotten to the point that he thought could do anything he wanted to to me, and he figured I'd just take it and go on...but that only increased his disrespect for me.
He said that when I changed my attitude toward him, it was a turning point for him...he figured it he didn't get his act together that he would lose me permanently..EVEN THOUGH, he'd thought of walking away from the marriage at three different points in this.


My husband's father died in July of 2001,(another trigger, but different) and it was one of the major things that led to his "awakening" and coming out of Replay; besides the bomb drop I got a couple of months later.

In late 2002, as my husband was coming out of the tunnel, I was going in, his MLC having triggered my transition; and I had physical symptoms as well as the emotional crisis...but then my husband had also had physical symptoms along with his emotional crisis.

One of the questions I've always asked people who said they were dealing with a spouse going through the tunnel was what major event had happened that could have been a "trigger" for the crisis?

These were the triggers I remember happening.

A major life event can put them in, yet a major life event can lead the way out...yet a major event while in the tunnel CAN put them in deeper..so it's still a crap shoot either way you look at it.

[Trustandlove]

Roots and triggers:  I guess there were both. 

Actual trigger in my opinion was suicide of a very close friend in Sept 2004.  H just never dealt with it, by his own admission.  To top it off that friend sent H an e-mail the morning before he died, just saying "thinking of you".  Didn't say what he was going to do. 

His father had died 2 years before that.  Turns out H had had a brief affair that year, which I only found out about 6 months ago.  He now says that that was when he began to walk away from our relationship. 

Roots were deeper -- probably a sense of never having done what he wanted to when he was younger, i.e. travel.  And as his family, despite being the most stable on earth, never talked through conflicts, he never learned to express negative feelings.  He had a girlfriend throughout college, with whom he broke up with when he met me.  As we lived far apart I never really knew that she existed -- I found out only after we were already an established couple.  He once said that he went from one to the other because it was like crossing a river on stones -- he didn't want to fall into the water.    So he never had that period of being on his own during or after college. 

He was only 25 when we married; I'm a couple years older.  We didn't have children for a long time, partly due to fertility issues.  But when I finally did get pregnant I think it was a shock, as we had decided that if by a certain time it didn't work we would go travel.  He was excited about the prospect of doing that, and I think felt completely hemmed in by the way it worked out.  To add to that our situation with children is way more complicated than most, which took a huge toll on me. 

That toll on me is a large part of it, I think.  I struggled with depression because of it; he kept just wanting to wave a magic wand and make it better.  And he felt that nothing he did was good enough.  I remember saying to him that he wanted me to be happy because he didn't want to deal with me being unhappy.  Actually, I was right.  So I do see my own role in this. 

But what triggered his leaving was this:

I did know he was struggling those last few years, and felt like I was trying to do everything to help ('fix' it....) -- it was actually at my suggestion that he started seeing an alternative therapist who promised the world.  I am forever kicking myself about this -- I was seeing her before he was, and she turned out to be the original alienator, if that is the right word.  He swore up and down that he had never had an affair and that he wasn't leaving to start a new relationship, that it was because my "essence was wrong", but it turns out that he did pursue her.  I often think that if it weren't for that he'd have stayed and worked through it at home. 

This therapist "brought up" all sorts of past resentments -- he said he had been brought back to the first time we "tried" for a baby, that he hadn't been ready and that I had pushed it (true), and that that was part of it.  He didn't mention that after they were born he specifically told me that he was so glad we had them, that he thought we would have had serious psychological problems if they weren't there....

She is long gone; she turned out to be completely nuts.  But his search goes on. 

So I guess there were feelings of having been a failure; he couldn't save his father, his friend, or me.   And he felt he hadn't lived.  He felt trapped -- still does, I think -- by the need to provide for us. 

He doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy -- he's said that a number of times in the past few years -- it is important to him not to be seen as the villain in this. 

[MarkedandHealed]

HB!
I know you are a busy lady, but just wanted to add (trying to get your head big LOL) GLAD to see you back on. We miss you when you're on the road and can't post.

I know the day will come when you are done posting again, and we'll miss you sorely then... but like last time, when you went away, your words were left behind and used frequently. Thank you.

[agape]

Talking about roots and triggers. My husband did not have any triggers. Came back from one of his many mission trips and boom. Was leaving for OW.

This makes me think what kind of triggers did David have with Bathsheba. He was at home, when kings go forth to battle, yet he remained at Jerusalem. Someone mentioned that he must have just got up late  in the afternoon, when he rose from his couch and was walking upon the roof of the king's house.

He was just lounging around and there he saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful and from then on all the misery. Was he in MLC?

This just made me wander and hope to hear some more opinions on this.

[MarkedandHealed]

That's not true, David was a man used to making his way in the world using his brawn as well as his brains. He was a leader, a fighter, and as he aged and became more important to his kingdom, they made him stay home. He was at home while his men were out at battle. If I remember correctly, they told him that they would come close to winning the war and when winning was assured and safe, they would send for him so he could finalize the win without taking danger on. Think of how that made him feel. Then, he saw her. She was meant to be a one night stand to make him feel better, but she got pregnant and ruined everything for him.

He had a stable full of women, certainly she was not more beautiful than the others, and he knew nothing of her personally. She was available, she was an affair down, in a way. She was married also, so it was adultery for them as well. A man of God, a man after God's own heart and he sinned in this way.

MLC must be very strong to turn a man such as this.

[HeartsBlessing]

HB!
I know you are a busy lady, but just wanted to add (trying to get your head big LOL) GLAD to see you back on. We miss you when you're on the road and can't post.

Very hard to make my head swell, M&H. LOL!!  I know better than to ever allow that to happen..the Lord would NOT be pleased with me at all, and He would withdraw what He has so graciously given me.

As He gives, He can take away, and I'm aware of this....

It is sometimes a frightening thing to hear something, say it, and watch it come to pass, and that is an humbling experience for me.

Silver and gold have I none, but what I do have I will give of what He's imparted to me to share with others.

I never said I had all the answers, but I do the very best that I can to help.

FWIW, I have left the other board I was on before; I'm not lurking there, either...I don't have the necessary time to split between two boards, and after praying about it, I feel I need to be here.

You will know when the time comes for me to leave, I will at least say goodbye, and if I'm here for an extended period of time, that will be all right, too.

The atmosphere here is a better one, and I feel more comfortable dispensing advice/wisdom without  the feeling that I'm being 'censored', if you know what I mean.   

I am who I am, and can be no other.

I'm here when I can be here, but I also know and totally understand that each person has something to contribute, and the wisdom that shows through the ones who are currently going through this crisis is just as priceless as anything I, myself, can contribute.

Each person is at a differing stage of this, and can help the ones that come after..it is what it should be...paying it all downward and backward.

Never doubt your knowledge and wisdom gained..sometimes you'll see something you wouldn't see if you were right in the middle of it...and that's valuable to someone who can't see the forest for the trees.

If you think about it also, sometimes you will even answer your own questions by answering someone else's.

Each person contains the answers within, they just have to learn to access those, as at times, I  or someone else will point out something they already know..it's just hard to see when it's you within the situation.

Have a good one.

[Rotkopf64]

I I know I was too comfortable and took my life for granted. I truly had all that I had ever wanted....kids, home, vacations, job and a caring husband. In my mind, it was forever. Enter MLC.....

That stings a little bit for all of us, I agree Still

I too agree with you! I too was comfortable and took my life and H for granted! I thought it would be forever even though we weren't a demonstrative loving couple I always thought he loved me and always would! Then WHAM BAM an alien entered his body and an arrogant selfish person emerged. It happened in a flash!

[LIVINSTRONG]

Dito on the took my life and H for granted.

Also H lost lost a man in his life that he was very close to and took it real hard , then a co-worker died of cancer, he was in his fifties, and another long time friend drank himmself to death.
 
H also got into a terrible physical fight with my ex, it was a tramatic experience for our family this occured in 2004 just couple month after the death of the older man that he looked upto. I would say he was never quit the same after that we had a tough year, but then things started to get better and I thought we were bonding again then the co worker died.

My H has never told me I was bad said it was him and not me, last time I spoke to him I did ask him why he felt different  "I don't know just things from the past, your ex, the kids just things over the years have bothered me, you are a good person and I trust you"  I guess thats why he loves me but not in love.

[JustFine&Dandy]

For my H, I believe the main root of his MLC was the sudden death of his mother when he was 17.  He was the youngest of a large family, and I'm told he was very coddled. I think because his emotional attachment to her was abruptly ended rather than gradually, he never really learned to be emotionally self sufficient.

Triggers - Looking back to a year or so earlier, I believe that I went through a midlife transition that made him uncomfortable.  I was struggling with working a demanding career and feeling like I was not spending enough time at home and with family.  With the kids in middle school, I did not want to miss out of the rest of their time at home.

I found a creative outlet in writing that I enjoyed.  I started blogging and writing online content for extra money.  I felt so happy that I found something I really enjoyed doing and felt productive.  I would often sit with my laptop in the evenings writing and reading what other bloggers had written. I remember him almost acting jealous that I was spending time on the computer.  It annoyed me because he had always had his music, and I couldn't understand why he didn't like me writing.  I just dismissed it and figured he would get over it.

After awhile, I realized that I could possibly earn a living with writing.  I spent a great deal of time agonizing over the idea of giving up a steady salary for the ups and downs of freelance work.  I spent months trying things out to see if it was feasible.  I believed that it would be something I would find more fulfilling, plus I would be home and could work around the family's schedule.  During this time, I withdrew from H.  He didn't seem comfortable talking about it, and me being an introvert, wanted to keep to myself to mull things over.

When I finally made my decision to quit my job in January 2010, H acted like he was supportive, but it wasn't wholehearted.  I remember him saying, "When do I get to do what I want to do?" Plus, this put more pressure on him to keep a steady income coming in.

Then, major events over the spring and summer happened that set the MLC going full force.  He was laid off, two close friends of his died, he was approaching 40, and he went to his 20-year class reunion.  I think it was the perfect storm where he had a lot to think about and a lot of time on his hands.  He went into replay with heavy drinking and juvenile behavior.  He started an affair with an old high school girlfriend.  It was like he needed to go back in time to when his mom died.

I echo what the others said about taking my life before for granted.  I never in a million years could have imagined I would be in this situation...

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

For my H's MLC, the trigger seemed to come around the day he remarked to me that he had known me now the same number of years as his dad's been dead.  Then he visited the grave a little while after that and saw where his own plot "waits" for him.  It is his grandfather that raised him so he refers to him as his dad, and he died when my H was only 17.  From then on, he has started to do the same things that he used to do at that age, and trying to do them with the same people that he knew around age 17.  He has been morose with me, like I remind him of things that weigh him down, responsibilities, obligations, and even growing older and dying.  He even started talking about wanting some sort of legacy (meaning a son, when we have never wanted children and he does not act "parental" in any way nowadays).  So this person that is living with me now isn't the husband I know, and seems bound and determined to live opposite of what he was.