[Writingmom]

I don't mean to be a posting hog!-)  This is all so fascinating to me.  It looks like health related issues and even issues with fathers are common in MLC.  My H grew up in a very disfunctional home yet seemed to emerge as the oldest, resilient, level-headed one.  He took over the family business and has grown it in to a very successful company.  Now he's hardly ever there!  He's too busy playing.  And spending time with OW.

His father died at the age of 46 and his mother is terminal.  I know that this is all part of his crisis, but he doesn't see it.  I worry about his reaction when she dies.  He has buried all of his pain and tried to stay busy and to distract himself.  I think the MLC is the height of his attempt to run. 

Anyway, just wondering what other issues have contributed to MLC? 

[D Money]

My wife's issues deal with her Mom. When my wife was growing up her Mom suffered from depression and wasn't the mother she should/could have been. My wife was the middle of 3 girls. My wife feels that her older sister got all the negative attention because she was the rebel and her younger sister got all the positive attention because she was the baby. In her mind, my wife just existed and has felt that she was emotionally abandoned.

In September of 2005, a close friend of ours died from a heart attack at the age of 40. He was her youth leader growing up and they were very close. August/September of 2006 is when she started changing her look. She was never a drinker but she started drinking with me around that same time also.

[Courageous wife]

I think my H has had several.  His crisis more than likely began in 2001.  His son graduated from highschool and joined the Marines.  He quit his job of 20yrs with no warning.  He had a a fling and moved out for about 6 weeks.  The next few years were pretty good but he changed jobs several times in that time period.  I had breast cancer in 2008 and sometime after that  is when his PA began with current OW...he also turned 50.

His parents both died in their early 50's.  His Dad wasn't around much when H was growing up...working and playing all the time.

[Still]

My H has so many FOO issues. People are always amazed at how successful he has been in spite of his "roots". He has always been an overachiever. He was an assistant restaurant manager when he was still in high school. Wrote a book while pursuing his undergraduate degree. Has run multiple marathons/triathlons. Had a PhD and was a college professor in his early 30's. He is now writing textbooks and has served in leadership roles on several national organizations. He has always known how to cope with whatever life threw his way.

Then, spring 2008 he becomes ill at a sporting event (with several severe lasting effects) and no longer knows how to deal with all that he is feeling. His coping skills were seemingly exhausted. He didn't know what to do and couldn't bring himself out of his depression. The only constant in all that time was me and our marriage. Therefore, deductive reasoning indicated that those items MUST be the source of his misery. 

[OldPilot]

MLC is kind of like the perfect storm. Everything falls into place, all the wrong things happen at once. Look at the parts that make up a MLC. Hormones out of wack, depression, death or trauma of someone close to the MLC'er. Transition time in life. Something went wrong in their childhood that they never resolved. Their inner child and outer child are at odds with each other.

Then who do they pick on? The person closest to them because there can't be anything wrong with them . Right? It must be your fault. You have to blame someone. They can't see the things that went wrong. They are blinded by their depression.

As hard as it is on the LBS it is much worse for the MLC'er they are in much pain.

So to sum it up they could deal with those things normally but now they are in so much pain that they must find things wrong and lash out at the person who they feel is responsible for their pain.

[MarkedandHealed]

I agree with OP. My H did not have one trigger, but I can pinpoint the one second he snapped. I was yelling at him - now, mind you, this was not common in our M. For the last few months prior to bomb drop, I had been close to being a WAW myself, I was so DONE with being ignored and him being out all night... which in retrospect was the beginning of his MLC, I'm sure... but I yelled "how long do you think we can continue like this before we D?" And that was it, I saw him blink and I saw a mask come on and that was the end of my H.

We were so close, I think the loss of our romance was a huge issue, his children almost being out of the house, as the twins are now 16 and his oldest is 20, and him being over 40 all had something to do with it. I think he began this process back in 2003 as he had an EA back then, but I busted it and we began to reconnect, then slipped and that was that. OW came into his life during his HS reunion, he always had unresolved issues around HS and being shy and not having girlfriends like his friends did, thinking he missed out on stuff, missing/alcoholic father, etc etc.

I didn't do as much as I should have to keep us connected, and in retrospect, had I known what would be facing me now, I would have done more to help him with his issues and stayed his friend/confidant more.

[Still]

I didn't do as much as I should have to keep us connected, and in retrospect, had I known what would be facing me now, I would have done more to help him with his issues and stayed his friend/confidant more.

I think we all have regrets for the past. I know I was too comfortable and took my life for granted. I truly had all that I had ever wanted....kids, home, vacations, job and a caring husband. In my mind, it was forever. Enter MLC.....

[OldPilot]

I I know I was too comfortable and took my life for granted. I truly had all that I had ever wanted....kids, home, vacations, job and a caring husband. In my mind, it was forever. Enter MLC.....

That stings a little bit for all of us, I agree Still

[Np]

My H had what I believe to be clear triggers: would be interested in your opinions?

1) Father dies when he was 3 months old
2) Mother gave him to her sister and brother in law to raise while she kept the other three siblings. They lived next door while my H was brought up by his aunt and uncle.
3) Went to an Irish Catholic school in the 60's; was beaten and abused.
4) Had a son with a woman when he was 20 and she rejected him and took the son
5) was married for 22 years to Wife 1; 10 years of that were an open marriage where they both had a series of relationships. Wife 1 went and lived in another country for a year with a man and left H minding their eldest daughter (now 28)
6) History of depression when his company first collapsed in the early 90's
7) At Bomb drop H was losing his company, in debt, high blood pressure, his beloved sister was dying, h was minding D quite a bit while I was traveling for work. Also was having an illicit affair with secretary

Interested to know whether these triggers clearly indicate MLC or not. He is 55.

Blessings
Np

[MarkedandHealed]

NP It sounds to me like he has issues in addition to MLC. However, yes, they're clear triggers also.