[superdog]

Been reading a bit today, stayed thread and the victim triangle etc and it got me to thinking a lot about the enabling side of things.

I so recognise the triangle in my previous marriage to h I was the rescuer for sure, then I would feel very put upon and become the persecutor, whilst h remained predominantly in the victim mode, only peeking out to persecutor in the passive aggressive fashion.

I also believe he fully resented me spending very little time in the victim and always looking down. I get it.

As far as the enabling goes boy did I do it huge, massive time.

I enabled my h to take no responsibility for anything including himself. I enabled his passive aggressiveness and took many blames that we're not mine to take. I took all responsibility for finances, the house the children. I allowed all of that, that is entirely my fault.

We have only bought two houses and I arranged everything from finance to insurances to solicitors, to utilities to tv packages you name it I arranged it and took care of it. I did it all, he did nothing. When h said he wanted to do up a house he said it once and never mentioned it again until after BD when he blamed me for not helping him get his dream. He wanted me to do it for him and I never, I did not enable and he was angry.

So enabler, control freak, just a responsible person I don't know what I was. But I do know now that I would not do all that again, except for myself that is.

I take no responsibility for his not growing up, that's his problem but I definitely allowed him not to take responsibility for the big stuff in life that grown ups do. I did all the house buying stuff at age 22 and it was scary. I also think this is why he stayed home this whole time and hated the rental, he couldn't handle all the responsibility at came with it. He didn't have mamma SD doing everything for him.

Mt nAme is SD and I was an enabler. I am in 12 step :-))

SD

[Slow Fade]

Mt nAme is SD and I was an enabler. I am in 12 step :-))

Welcome SD! My name is Slow Fade and I'm an enabler too! lol!
Ditto for me on being the rescuer!

[Searching4Answers]

I enabled my h to take no responsibility for anything including himself. I enabled his passive aggressiveness and took many blames that we're not mine to take. I took all responsibility for finances, the house the children. I allowed all of that, that is entirely my fault.

We have only bought two houses and I arranged everything from finance to insurances to solicitors, to utilities to tv packages you name it I arranged it and took care of it. I did it all, he did nothing. When h said he wanted to do up a house he said it once and never mentioned it again until after BD when he blamed me for not helping him get his dream. He wanted me to do it for him and I never, I did not enable and he was angry.

So enabler, control freak, just a responsible person I don't know what I was. But I do know now that I would not do all that again, except for myself that is.

I take no responsibility for his not growing up, that's his problem but I definitely allowed him not to take responsibility for the big stuff in life that grown ups do. I did all the house buying stuff at age 22 and it was scary. I also think this is why he stayed home this whole time and hated the rental, he couldn't handle all the responsibility at came with it. He didn't have mamma SD doing everything for him.

I never thought of myself as an enabler; I was just a very responsible person, always have been. I did the same things that you did; took care of the house, bills, chores, purchased the house, eveything - H just came along for the ride I made most of the decisions for 'us', I felt honored that H has enough confidence in me to make decisions for him - boy was I naive!

Hi, my name is S4A and I was an enbler.

Good thread SD

[birdwatcher]

Yep!! That's me too! Now that he's in MLC he can do all those things for himself.  I did all the things you mentioned. I never thought of it as being an enabler at the time, I thought I was being a good wife and partner.   He would have had this MLC anyway, and now living on his own he gets to see what it's like to do everything (without having to be asked)   I probably get blamed for that too, oh well!

[in it]

I guess I'm enabler

 WHEN HE WORKED I did everything else..I tried to have him take care of the bills (Nope he wouldn't do that)....kids..planned vacations.. he got to where I was doing the INCOME TAX...at least I thought I'd knew I didn't have to do that.

All I had for an example was his MOTHER...

And he doesn't respect her EITHER. He simply HATES women.

I never tried to control him..he did just what he wanted. I got tired of fighting.

Now he wants to be a big boy and do it all by himself with his mommy? HAVE FUN.
So she just keeps doing it ..he'll never learn.

Now I am a first class enabler..I'll enable his ass to go to JAIL

[bipolared]

My H used to call me the Enabler and I am a big rescuer, people, rats, dogs...I totally identify with Stayed's thing of getting mad b/c my efforts were not appreciated.  I will still rescue the animals but H will be on his own!

[superdog]

Glad to hear I am not on this programme alone. Hee hee.

I also enabled him to not take accountability for anything either. If he didn't do it in the first place then when it went wrong I had to listen to him drone on about what a mess I had made of something. I would take accountability if it went wrong and then, guess what, I fixed it! At no point did h ever put anything that went wrong right, he just lorded it over me.

This is where the persecutor bit would come in, when he laid into me for getting something wrong. I would learn from my mistakes and try never to make the same one again. He learnt nothing.

After BD I was reminded of about a hundred silly things that I had done or taken decisions on ( because he would never make one).  I mean using a bad wallpaper job as an excuse to see another woman, I must have been a saintly wife to have to dig that deep. Lol.

I just realise now how much enabling someone does not help in the slightest.

I had someone in the other day at work who has been off with depression for 6 months and listened to how she doesn't want to leave the house with her two small girls. I heard her talk about how her friends and family were so much help to her picking them up from school etc. I almost said to her friend that was with her, STOP doing it, you are enabling her not to change. I could see it plain as day in someone else.

I believe there is a fine, yet huge line between enabling and helping.

Sd
X

[hobo1]

Im hobo, and I'm an enabler...

I took care of xw like a child.  For 23 years, I 'took care' of all the major important stuff.  I was in charge, and I liked it.

Whenever I wanted her input, she would not really give it...  very non committal...  I took care of houses, cars, finances, insurance everything...

then she resented me for it.  She wanted to grow up and be responsible...  that's fine - if you want to grow up, you can do it in the marriage....

Funny now, she is fully divorced, but is fully dependent on me for alimony.  fully, and is still not working.

The way our justice system works, I have to pay her for life.  That's what I get for being an enabler...  You enable long enough, and you are required by law to continue to.

[superdog]

Hobo1 that sucks big time. Hmmm don't think your xw will ever find any self respect in that! Your laws are enabling her sense of entitlement.

Something we all do here is Britain is along the same lines, we pay for people who don't want to work to sit an do nothing all day, then listen to how hard they have it.

We are living in a world full of enabling. As reformed enablers we should run our own countries. :-)

SD
X

[onlyjo]

I dont. Know that i was an enabler-maybe i was to some extent because i made excuses for h's behavior.  I took care of many things becUse h traveled for work...but, like birdwatcher, i thought i was being a good wife and partner.  I. Did get to a point where i was able to tell h that his behavior was unacceptable, and that's when the wheels fell off the bus.  He didnt like the fact that i was holding him accountable for his actions, and he often blamed me for his anger-what a crock of $h!te...that's when OW came on the scene full-force.

Also like in it-h's mother is a professional victim (was not appreciated by her parents, did all the work while her 2 brothers got all the glory, was abandoned by her h, my. H's father, and floundered around in a pity pool for years, being a victim and a martyr)---SHE'S an enabler.  She is enabling h as we speak-not holding him accountable for his HORRIBLE CHOICES-doing everything she can to make his life easier...all without (i suspect) letting him know that his actions and decisions have been DEPLORABLE.  And h pretty mich hates his mother, i think.  And he's stuck with her now...enabling and co-dependence personified...uuugh!