[Hmmm]

I'm learning something new every day. What I thought was H accommodating me actually sounds a bit PA-every decision I thought he was happy with, I got blame and resentment for.

He chose to leave his travelling career when S6 was one. I have emails to say he missed us and was ready to give up job and settle. Chose a lovely house near my mum's. Six months of depression, sulking and not coming to bed at the same time as me followed.

I encouraged him to travel with the racing cars again-seemed ok but always complained about team mates, boss etc. nothing was ever his fault

New team again-more complaining but we decided to move down south to be nearer work. I got kids in a school and we sold the house. Then he said he didn't want to move so I rented up here mostly alone.  He thinks I didn't want to move. Never communicated what he was really wanting

Got sacked and blames me (it was about relocation allowance)

New team but miserable. Then left me

I always asked him what he wanted to do but he says he made decision I wanted. Resentment was a common feeling in our house

Says I never listened or supported him

[Searching4Answers]

Great topic!

Does anyone have any books that they would recommend on this? Sometimes I feel like I am being PA and I would like to become more aware.

[Hmmm]

Eek. Just diagnosed my dad as PA too.

Why do we marry our fathers?!
My dad=
No affection (apart from to kids below 10-tickling and squeezing)
Sits in other room when relatives are round-even at Xmas
Explodes with irritation about tiny things, criticises e.g my driving and how much water people put in the kettle!
Ignores anything to do with my brother (hates the fact my mum dotes upon him)
Troubled childhood he NEVER talks about
Secretly wants our company e.g went to his boat today but I have to stàrt every conversation

No idea how to deal with H or my dad (I think he'd probably like a big hug-he shows affection by fixing my car)
X

[The lighthouse]

Arghhh, I have just realized I married my Dad too!    I can't believe I never saw the similarity until now...it just comes out in different ways.

Maybe from this thread I'll learn how to deal with my Dad better as well as H.

Btw, my Dad complains about how much water people put in the kettle too, and he goes into another room when relatives are around - even at Xmas.  Our Dads are so similiar - spooky! 

[Hmmm]

Gosh. My family is one big psychology experiment today.

Yesterday me and dad took the little ones to the boat but said S14 could go with him and mum today.

Mum works full time, had been on a course and needed to visit grandad in hospital-as well as wanting to eat out and buy some plants.

Trouble is. Neither of them told each other what they wanted to do.

Dad says mum always organises his time on Sundays (not true)

Sulks and won't come for meal out with friends of the family over to see grandad. Doesn't offer to just take S14. Only thinks of himself

It's me and H all over-not sure if I'm playing my mum or dad in our marriage though.

My tip would be to make sure everyone gets chance to state what they want to do and it isn't just assumed that the other will take part. Also they should say how much it means to them.

It would've helped my H to not feel he was always accommodating me
I think maybe we were both PA
X

[Mermaid]

Amazing how we manage to reproduce our past relationships, isn't it? But recognising it is part way to making different choices about how to deal with it. I've realised that I used to yell a lot at my PA dad (the thing he hated the most because it reminded him of his mother), and now I do the same with my H. My mum is a saint dealing with my dad, rarely gets angry, but does what she wants with her life.

Books. Loads out there, I haven't read any yet. Here are two:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Silent-Marriage-Aggression-Happiness-ebook/dp/B0090XFBF2/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1396813798&sr=8-3&keywords=passive+aggressive

http://www.amazon.com/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Man-Aggression-Boardroom/dp/0671870742/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1396813798&sr=8-4&keywords=passive+aggressive

[superdog]

I remember my mother going in what we called the "huff" or giving the total silent treatment for up to 3 weeks at a time. My sister and I had no idea why she wasn't speaking to us, or if we did then we thought it was over after it was over.

When she did it with my father she would come and tell us to tell our father something. It was utterly ridiculous.

When I speak to my mum now she will say yes I know that was terrible wasn't it. Then she went on To say that she fully believed that she was the total victim of one or all of us and that it was up to us to come and make it up to her.

I see her and hear her still being passive aggressive to both me and to others, she is 72. PA is a lifelong thing. Each and every time she cannot see another side but her own.

She was brought up with a father at war for her first 5 years, then a mother who was too young to have 3 small children and she would get sent away to her grans house at the first available opportunity. She is still resentful of her childhood. I would also say that my mum used her sexuality to get the attention she so craved. To my knowledge no affairs, but she definitely played on the male attention. Absent father issues me thinks.

My father still gets angry with her, me I tell her when she is being difficult and 9 times out of 10 she will eventually come round when I just tell her then carry on without giving her the attention for it. Sometimes if I catch the tone in her voice I will tell her that unless she tells me what is wrong then I will just call her back another time.

I actually said to my h when he was actively ignoring me that he was an amateur, my mum could beat him hands down in the silent treatment so go for it, do his worst. :-)

Sd
X

[Hmmm]

It used to be so frustrating when H would not talk to me. During monstering at the start he said the reason he was leaving was that I didn't listen to him

Now I can see that I would hear him but immediately look at it from my point of view and defend myself-exactly as my mum does. Strangely I always thought my dad was the bad guy but I have empathy for him now (and H)

Validating what he says is very important in our limited conversations, and making him aware that I appreciate his advice and see his point of view.

[The lighthouse]

My Dad has gone many weeks without talking to my Mum at times.  My Mum is a right fighter and always has to have the last word, she's also got a terrible temper and will go from 0-100 in an instant and doesn't know how to express herself in a confrontation without shouting, so my Mum & Dad are not a good mix.

If ever my H and I got into an argument he would always just walk away and never deal with anything.  The next day he would act as if nothing had happened so issues we had were never resolved.  I found this so frustrating and resented it. 

On reflection I can see that I had learned from my Mum to shout in a confrontation and sometimes when my H walked away I would follow him.  Because I would get no response I didn't feel validated (which is an issue I have from my childhood), so I would say more and more hurtful things to get a reaction. 

Now that I understand that my H's PA behaviour was from his childhood, I would definitely have to change my behaviour if we ever reconciled.

[Hmmm]

This is so weird

My dad said just last week 'she always has to have the last word'

I watched them argue about digging up a bush and moving it. Escalated into an argument!

She thought he was criticising her and he really was trying to protect her car and warn her it was a big job! I think he wanted her to ask for help. He has a van!!

I said they should read some of the books I'm reading-what a pointless argument. Ended with mum storming off-I lived with that for 18 years. No wonder I always thought I was right and shouldn't back down.