I have been doing some digging on passive-aggressive behavior this morning, and I came across a few articles and quotes that were very enlightening. I have started reflecting on the issue that, crisis or not, X clearly displayed PA traits all along. They might not apply to your spouses, but I thought maybe you guys would find these interesting nonetheless!
They are all readily available on Google, but I thought I'd past here some quotes I found especially relevant and the links to the articles I browsed. Obviously, for me the more relevant parts are the ones I recognise from my X's behavior, maybe you might find other bits more interesting... also most of the articles are specifically about PA men since that's what I was looking for, but I think the same dynamics apply for PA women...
"To be diagnosed with this disorder, individuals must meet the general criteria of a personality disorder and at least five of the following:
procrastination and delay in completing essential tasks -- particularly those that others seek to have completed; unjustified protests that others make unreasonable demands;
sulkiness, irritability or argumentativeness when asked to do something that the individual does not want to do; unreasonable criticism or scorn for authority figures; deliberately slow or poor work on unwanted tasks; obstruction of the efforts of others even as these individuals fail to do their share of the work; and
avoidance of obligations by claiming to have forgotten them.- The Passive-Aggressive (Negativistic) Personality Disorder (PAPD)"*
* I seem to understand now it's been included in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder instead of having its own entry
"The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises.
He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone."
"He has expectations he is unable to openly express and when you don’t meet those expectations you get resentment and covert punishment. And, you should never expect your expectations to be met, not even when you’ve expressed them in a clear, easy to understand fashion."
"You just can’t figure out exactly what you are angry about. He is sweet, kind and loving. He never argues, does exactly what you wish. There must be something wrong with you or such a good man would want to have sex with you, remember your birthday, put effort into solving the problems in the relationship or just show up on time every once in a while.
And that is the trap women who are involved with passive aggressive men fall into, they become responsible for all that is wrong in the relationship.
He keeps you hanging in by doing for you when he doesn’t want to, by never arguing, by being such a nice guy. All those puzzling behaviors that send the opposite message that the other negative behaviors send. That is why they call it “crazy making” behavior"
"Withholds to Punish: He says one thing but means another. Sure, he wants to go to a movie. He even appears to enjoy himself until later that night when he rejects you sexually. You see, he didn’t want to go to a movie but, his passivity would not allow him to own it. His fear of conflict means punishing you in covert ways for something you “made” him do. "
"Passive aggressive behavior can show up in other subtle ways. Hard core passive aggressive people rarely initiate doing leisure joint activities, buying things, going places, celebrating special occasions, planning surprises, or giving compliments, and they often have a hard time buying gifts."
"A passive aggressive man will pull the rug out from under your life and as you lay with your head spinning he will deny any accusations of anger you make toward him and turn them all back on you. He is a genius when it comes to appearing innocent and only having good intentions and he does this in an attempt to have you believe that he is only acting with your best interest in mind. "
"OBSTRUCTIONISM - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all."
"What is so unsettling and painful is that you end up with the CLEAR belief that this somehow YOUR fault and that it's YOUR responsibility to fix it by being perfect. If it isn't fixed, you're not perfect enough.
YOU DID NOT BREAK IT... YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIX IT."
"It is perfectly reasonable to expect an emotional connection with someone with whom you are in a relationship. We expect police officers to enforce the laws, teachers to teach, etc.. These expectations put us into a particular mnd-set when we're around those people.
Over time you expect a relationship to grow and deepen. When your partner turns out not to be making an emotional connection, it causes trauma; THAT IS WHY THESE RELATIONSHIPS ARE SO PAINFUL. The trauma then does further damage as it undermines your expectations about yourself and YOUR abilities to make connections. As illogical as that may seem, it's human nature to look for the flaws in ourselves when things don't go as we expect. We end up being traumatized twice in these relationships; once by the loss and abandonment and again by the loss of our own confidence in ourselves. That is why the end of these relationships can be so much more painful than the end of a fully realized relationship.. We ruminate about what we could have done differently to make it work....""
"This kind of relationship becomes a constant exercise on keeping you -his partner- at bay while occasionally seducing you to keep you somewhat interested.
When you receive little bones of appreciation, you tend to confirm again that he is a prisoner of his shield but able and willing to come out and play with you. ... So, you keep waiting years and years for him to come out of his shell and play!"
"
It would seem reasonable to assume that they are just easy going and willing to go along with the flow and that is how it appears to the person on the receiving end. That isn’t however how it is. What’s really going on is that they are slowly building up resentment and in the typical Passive Aggressive way they won’t take ownership of their part in this dynamic and so they blame you. When they’ve built up enough resentment then they explode."
"Passive Aggressive Feigns Forgetfulness: He wasn’t as bad as some spouses with this, but it was present nevertheless. I always had the funny feeling that something was off but never managed to put my finger on it. I guess he was better at picking things that were hard for me to verify. I know that I used to ask him if he had downloaded the reports for the nightwatchmen or checked that he was arriving on time and I would be assured that he had done so, but he never did it. I always felt guilty because I always felt like I was nagging. These are common feelings for Passive Aggressive spouses.I got the height of this tactic after bomb drop. Firstly he forgot the two exams I was writing a day after he walked out. I assumed this was forgetfulness (from someone who could remember things going back 15 years!!?). You then learn that Passive Aggressives forget in order to punish and it becomes so obvious. So now I also know why he sent my birthday as one of the suggested dates to visit the divorce lawyer and then denied doing it.
This is intentional behavior and it IS abusive."*
*
This is probably mostly for me - X also claims he 'forgot' I had a PhD and a publisher's deadlines within 3 days of BD."It’s like being married to a turd that is packaged in a nice little ornamental box covered in perfume and flowers But it is sitting in the sun gathering pressure in it’s little dark box until it explodes and takes everything with it. The covert nature of all the interactions makes figuring out what happened a lot like trying to piece together a puzzle made from exploded $h!te.
The memories I formed in my marriage were of the pretty little box and had he died would have been the memories I kept. Having your memories rewritten and erased has to be the most painful experience of my life and while I’m healing very well and have a fantastic life it feels like a piece of my soul was torn out in the explosion."
"A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and
those who find it easy to make excuses for other’s bad behaviors."
"My entire marriage consisted of me trying to find solutions to our problems and him withdrawing further and further away both emotionally and intimately."
"The passive-aggressive man may pretend to be sweet or compliant, but beneath his superficial demeanor lies a different core. He’s angry, petty, envious, and selfish."
"Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, “Actions speak louder than words” when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. "
"Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel."
"The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he/she has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.
The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire.
You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his/her own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him/her. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs."
"The woman who marries the passive aggressive man was taught in her family of origin to accept a high level of frustration for a minimal level of love and caring.
When a woman marries the passive aggressive man she gets little return for all her effort."
"My ex husband was charming, needy and couldn’t be around me enough. He was every woman’s idea of the perfect man…in the beginning.
Never once did I question his lack of relationship with his family. Or the fact that he didn’t have any long-standing friendships."
"The woman who marries the passive aggressive man spends a lot of time hoping for more than her husband is willing to give her. She wants closeness, cooperation, love and attention. She wants actions and behaviors from him that show her he loves her.
By the time my marriage to my passive aggressive husband came to an end I had no self-esteem. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as lonely and the sense of abandonment by my own husband was overwhelming. The loneliness I experienced in my marriage was worse than any I had ever felt as a single woman. "
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/passiveaggressivehusband.htmhttp://passiveaggressiveabuse.wordpress.com/passive-aggressive-behavior/http://coralf.wordpress.com/2013/01/02/can-a-passive-aggressive-man-love/http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/passive-aggressive-men-their-love-comes-with-a-big-price-tag--http://www.couplesinstitute.com/does-your-partner-drive-you-nuts-the-passive-aggressive-personality/http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.it/2005/10/passive-aggressive-personality.html
How to deal with a passive aggressive spouse
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