[When did you spouse come out of tunnel and end MLC]

When did you spouse come out of tunnel and end MLC

2 years or less

0 (0%)

3 years

0 (0%)

4 years

0 (0%)

5 years

0 (0%)

6 years

0 (0%)

Total Members Voted: 0

Voting closed: May 03, 2014, 11:27:16 PM

[scooby]

I am curious on other people results since I am new into MLC.

[Moving Forward]

Hey Scooby,
I completely understand that you want to start understanding some timescale around MLC - the bottom line here is that most of the posters in this forum have spouses who are still in the midst of their crisis and we are still dealing with the impact on our lives. There is a bit of an urban myth that 2 years is the start of the end but the that is not me experience at all.

Dealing with a spouse in MLC is not for the faint hearted and LBS is in it for the long haul - whether they choose to stand for their MLCer or not. 'Co-parenting' with a spouse in MLC is very challenging and my situation has been helped enormously by practicing the spirit of HS.  My BD was 30.9.09 and my exH was in a crisis for a good 18 months before that and sadly he is still in crisis 4.5 years on. He is still lying and angry but the key thing is that he isn't my problem anymore and my life and well being is no longer tethered to him and his crisis.

I would urge you to read the articles and keep the focus on yourself and your two awesome kids - they only get one childhood an deserve a sane parent to care for them.


((hugs))

[Thunder]

Scooby, I agree with Moving Forward.
There is no real time table, but 2 years is pretty short and not the norm.

You can start seeing changes, maybe, at that point but most likely they are still in the tunnel.

We all obsessed over what stage their in but it does you no good.  They cycle so much.
Just take care of yourself in every way.  Don't panic if you make a few mistakes a long the way, we've all made them.  You learn and go on.  Start over.
It does get easier with time.

[Thundarr]

Hi Scooby.  I happen to have the definitive answer to the question of how long MLC lasts.  I called upon my own experience as well as others here and have formulated the answer.  MLC lasts exactly..........too long.  I didn't see that as a choice but I bet we would most all agree.  Take care.

[Returned]

To judge from what I am hearing from other LBS in reconnection, roughly 5 years from the time of BD. Some have been longer (anjae for example) a few have been shorter (shortest I can think of is Evas and Notgivinguponu)

Two years is an outlier. Most last much longer.

Mine is 2.5 years at this point and deep in the tunnel. Had several OWs in the beginning, some younger than our children, now he is living with OW1 but still searching.

I would love to see the results of this poll. Time for stayed, hyper glad, evas and all others in reconnection to vote....a lot of the time when they reconnect they stop posting.

[Thundarr]

I have a question along the lines of length, etc.  For those whose spouses have come through or are nearing the end, do they go back to being good parents if they were before?  I've heard from a couple whose spouses pretty much ignored the kids while in the tunnel but is this permanent or can the bond between them and their kids be restored?  Thoughts, experiences?  Thanks,

[hobo1]

I've read that MLCers need to go back to an age where they have unlearned lessons...  They have to go back to that point, say adolescence, and learn lessons that they didn't learn the first time around.

It takes that long....  If you think about 5 years, isn't that about the same amount of time for an adolescent to be more mature?

Do you go and ask a 13 year old, when are you going to grow up??  Well... in 5 years, she will be about 18....  Do they think and act different from 13?  Yes, I would hope so...

[lawprofessor]

Well, you will be sorry you asked that question when you read my reply!  Just kidding!! Sort of...My answer is 9 years for J.  Yep that is not a typo.  9 years.  He is a Galapagos Turtle. 

I have a question along the lines of length, etc.  For those whose spouses have come through or are nearing the end, do they go back to being good parents if they were before?  I've heard from a couple whose spouses pretty much ignored the kids while in the tunnel but is this permanent or can the bond between them and their kids be restored?  Thoughts, experiences?  Thanks,

Hi Thundarr, in my experience with J: J tries to be a good father but it has been so long as his kids are teenagers plus now.  Rebuilding the relationship is very hard at that age.  They (kids) are angry, disappointed, unsure, non-trusting, confused, and damaged.  At first he tried to treat them as though they were roughly the age they were when he left for outer space.  I think it is just like with us, the LBS, sometimes the return is too late to go back to being the "parent".  I am sorry to say that. 

[lawprofessor]

Oh, I forgot, there are not enough choices at the top.

And, for my Genius, he is two years in since BD, and is still way out in crazy land from what I understand, looking old and lost sadly. 

[Albatross]

My W enter into crisis in year 2008, her birthday. She hit escape and avoid in year 2011 her birthday, replay start in 2012 her birthday. Liminality start at new year 2012.

Jung said that merger with shadow take 2 - 7 years in average.