[Rollercoasterider]

I think I need to make this required reading—I should add it to the Newbie Welcome Message. Few are able to articulate their experience so well.
Like so many, I too want to highlight the 6 years he referenced—starting at 41 and waking up with his what the hell have I done feeling at 47. But please note, this was not a 6 year crisis; that was six years of REPLAY.
Liminality is not smooth sailing and he goes over that in the second post.

My road to recovery was not easy – even though I had hit rock bottom and realised my ‘new’ life was not what I wanted –  the urge to sooth the pain with the last binge drink or sex with a stranger were strong especially on days where the emotional pain got too much for me.  I cannot say the journey was without its slip ups but as I started to deal with the real issues behind my complete dissatisfaction with life so the addictive pull of my self–destructive behaviours lessened.

Today he has no regrets.

But when he wrote the email few years ago he said...

Where my wife and my daughters are concerned I still live with the weight of tonnes – I live in hope that the day comes were I make my peace and truly forgive myself for this mistake.

We both wish we could have somehow made these changes while remaining together.

I understand his having no regrets now.
Do I wish Chuck had not had a midlife crisis?
Do any of you wish Chuck had not had a midlife crisis—because if he hadn't, this forum would not be here!
Our past is what has brought us to this precise place today and that place has three little children who would probably not be with us and yet they would be with someone...who? Maybe we would have had children in the traditional manner, or maybe we would have adopted, but earlier; the odds that we would have the children we have now... probably pretty low and I want these babies!
Back when I was working on my MFA I wrote the start to a novel—my specialty is picture books, so this was different for me and I have not written more, but it is perhaps the story I have thought of the most. It was a Repeat story and as may be common, the main character was really me and I was fantasizing what it would be if I continued to relive the same life—like the movie Ground Hog Day, but the entire life from about age 6 rather than a single day. But I needed a twist o make the story unique and so I started it with life 15 (I was going to repeat my life for the 15th time or rather the 15th experience and 14th repeat, since the first was not a repeat.)and this time when I returned it was different because my mother was also a repeater (life 4 or 5) and she had finally chosen in this life to repeat her first life—at least the part that was with my dad. Grandma was also a repeater, but she and I sort of paralleled, but when she did not repeat her first path by having my mom (and then my mom do the same) I just felt her presence as a continuation—even while my Grandma was alive in each repeated life I could tell there was another version of her.
I wrote this about a year before Bomb Drop. After Bomb drop the questions changed. Would I repeat my marriage and how often? As a Stander, how did that translate to repeated lives, did I have a duty—was I still married to Chuck even though I technically wasn't—and he did not even know of me yet?
Well, now the questions are even bigger. Originally I figured that a repeat of the first life's marital path would happen every 4 or 5 lives, maybe more often for better marriages. The one thing that I maintained was that the original children could still be produced without trying to time and repeat every moment perfectly. But that was for children we produced rather than adopted. Now, what are my obligations? My children will not only be adopted by me, they are from the foster system which means they need another family—instead of being placed with an adoptive family by a bio mother who lovingly chooses adoption. I run this story through my head at least weekly and these questions make it a lot more intense and perhaps a better story, but I don't know the resolution. My questions need to be explored and I am afraid of what I might see—even though thank goodness it is a fantasy rather than reality. But if it were real and we did not get the same children—either because we timed it wrong or were not together—would I be able to handle seeing them someday or would I fall apart?
In my story I even wonder how I could build this website if we avoided his MLC. Would I be credible if I came to create it from a place of education—a Psychology degree—instead of as an LBS?
Our choices before, during and after his MLC brought us here to this blissful life. This last year with those little bundles of joy has been complete bliss, the best ever and I would not want to trade it.

[a]

Hi

I certainly have the greatest respect for those who are standing, i am into my 5th year of post BD and until recently when i discovered XH had married OW i guess i was hoping that he would find his way back to us to our M. 

Discovering his M to OW was the nail in the coffin.  To stand at this point would be a waste of time.  I think his M to OW will last she is far better suited to his current needs than i will ever be.  I used to think our M was great but over these last 5 years i have had time to think about things - i also knew that i did not want to suddenly find things to justify to myself why i was letting go - it was a fine line to walk.  But here are just a few things that XH did during our M which make me think that maybe our M was good because of who i am as a person and not necessarily who he was.  Please do not get me wrong i am not saying i am better than XH - i certainly have my flaws and many of them - i just mean that we all have different ways of being in the world and because i come from a far more loving family i had better relational skills.

I am an overweight person and XH would use his dissatisfaction with my weight to control me.  I lived in my marriage for the most part struggling to give XH what he most wanted - a thinner me and because i could not deliver i compromised in many other areas of our M to try and make up for my inability to give XH what he wanted.

I realize now that XH was using my weight to control me.  The strange thing is that XH followed a similar path to J in terms of cheating on the OW which he has now married.  I was sent proof of his activities and in this proof was a series of pictures on a naked woman pleasing herself - and she was fatter than myself.  I found that bizarre - if XH found me so disgusting why would he keep these photo's of a fat woman?

XH knew who he was marrying i have struggled with my weight all my life.  However i know that this is what he used to justify his crisis.  OW is a thin woman.  She has taken up body building with H and many other activities like riding motorbikes.  These were XH's passions from the moment i met him.  I truly believe she is far better suited to XH than i was and i believe that their M will last. 

In my work environment one of the bosses 63 years of age has been married to his OW (46 years old) for 15 years.  Their affair is still gossiped about and i don't think that work colleagues respect them very much but they seem happy.

I do believe the universe often shows you the truth, i started working at this organisation a year ago and i believe that it is trying to show me that XH is like this 63 year old man.  I certainly do not want to be standing 15 years from now watching my life pass me by while XH gets to live his life.

I also know that XH was the type of man who would make a decision and stick to it.  he did not believe in redo's but rather living with the consequences of your decisions.  I truly believe XH is not on a journey that includes going back or looking back.  Yes he may have struggled with his decision at the time, like J he was considered by all as an upstanding guy, but unlike J he does not regret his choice to leave, he may regret how he left and the pain he has caused but that's about it - which is why he has never been able to face me.  XH is a vanisher and i believe he will remain vanished.  When i requested NC he certainly didn't pursue - he instead got married 8 months later from NC. 

So i really only have one choice and that is to move on and make a new life for myself.  And maybe that's why i can identify with J's XW she only met her current H about 4+ years into J's replay.  By then she had done a lot of therapy and i think she had really looked at her life.  She met her current H in a hospital - they were both there taking care of their ailing mothers - now that's kismet for you.

take care
moment

[toughtimes]

The other part of the letter that struck me most was that it didn't matter what J's wife did or how she conducted herself,  he still managed to justify his MLC actions which told me that the discussions on this forum on "leaving them to their crisis and getting on with our own lives" is paramount. We need to make our own lives happy enough to live with or without the MLCer.

This is exactly how I feel. Doesn't matter what we do it makes no difference in their mind but it makes a difference for us. We can feel proud of our behaviours and not regret our actions.
The emails are brilliant because they show us how manipulative the mlcer is, how they twist everything to suit them. All things that I suspect but I am constantly thinking, maybe I need to change something? Maybe I'm the one who should be going to mediation like he says, despite the fact my instincts tell me he will use it to maipulate the situation in his favour.

I'm so glad it worked out for Js wife and for J. It would be nice to hear they reconciled but it just didn't work out. How was she to know that he would have this epiphany? We have so much info here but many of us say "I just don't see my xh ever reaching this point etc." I think you are looking at your situation realistically moment, so you can choose a future that does not consider your ex h. It's all about you and your life.

 

[TopsyTurvy]

Ditto everything tough times said

[LaughLoveLive]

I just found this thread and read the whole thing through which in one sitting is a lot to take in. This will need some thinking time!

I am very interested in the story from the perspective if the LBS. Having just been served my divorce papers I am interested in Js wife moving on into her own happy relationship with a man her daughters adore. An LBSs "success" can take a number of forms.

The insight into the mind of a (perhaps) MLC is so fascinating and intriguing and informative. This is a wonderfully useful resource for us all.

[a]

Hi

I have a question want to see your different points of view.  In the last two months i contacted H - the first time because he had not paid alimony for two months and was not abiding by divorce settlement and second time to wish him a happy birthday.  Both times contact was via email.  In both contacts i did not ask him how he was doing?  I was polite but just said what needed to be said with no fluffing.  For example his birthday wish was simply " happy birthday, X.  best wishes m"  that's it.

Yet on both occasions he has felt the need to tell me how he is doing.  I do not know if XH knows i know he is married - i found out via a friend (she has never spoken to XH since BD) who saw photo of his wedding on the internet, they were on a website for all to see if they Google his name.

my question.  Why does he feel the need to tell me how he is doing?  I certainly do not volunteer how i am doing and i do not ask him how he is doing.

take care
moment

[Albatross]

Hi

I have a question want to see your different points of view.  In the last two months i contacted H - the first time because he had not paid alimony for two months and was not abiding by divorce settlement and second time to wish him a happy birthday.  Both times contact was via email.  In both contacts i did not ask him how he was doing?  I was polite but just said what needed to be said with no fluffing.  For example his birthday wish was simply " happy birthday, X.  best wishes m"  that's it.

Yet on both occasions he has felt the need to tell me how he is doing.  I do not know if XH knows i know he is married - i found out via a friend (she has never spoken to XH since BD) who saw photo of his wedding on the internet, they were on a website for all to see if they Google his name.

my question.  Why does he feel the need to tell me how he is doing?  I certainly do not volunteer how i am doing and i do not ask him how he is doing.

take care
moment

Perhaps he is still in crisis, they talk only about self, do not ask anybody else how they doing, how they feel and so on. Their head is whole world.

[a]

P.s  in both accounts  he said he is doing very well for his reply to my birthday wish he said thank you and he is having a good day

take care moment

[summer90]

Still all about him then??

[i can and will cope]

reading more of the threads on this has made me feel quite sad , i really dont know anymore whare aor what stage my h is at , i have been called stupid for supposedly  letting him do things to me over and over but as someone else said we all handle things differently and what works for one doensn't work for another.  i know we all doubt it is mlc sometrimes

roller coaster said it right thaere are some people that can write things in such an articulate way , i am not one of those people , i know what i want to say but dont for fear of saying something wrong.  i know this is the worst thing i have ever experienced , my h and i splie up a long time ago and got back together and were blissfully happy for nearly 20 years i was his sencond wife (and no i didnt meet him until 2 years after his first marriage ended .

I for one have to believe that my h is in there somewhere as i know he is trying to connect with son again , he asked him if i was out to avoid seeing him ? i really truly dont know what to do for the best anymore , i am prbably writing this in the wrong place but havent really been posting since i read that i was stupid and to be honest i really didnt need tohear that when i had come on for some support as my h had been in touch, i think i just rambling now so sorry . i

i am going to read moments friends letter again as i didnt see the second paet but i know i can see what i think it was anjae said that the mlc who before the crisis was of high morla and a loving kind person and would do anything for their spouse and family and friends CANNOT lose alll of that altogher , i see my h and know and sense that he loves me but for some reason this ow has him by the balls and he has used words like my life isnt my own , i feels stuck in limbo , he is sorry to son for his last two years of sh"t , he feels trapped but he has to do this ,,,too much damage has been done , then he wants to walk on the beach with me a talk about things blah blah , all i know is as smeone on the forum said I LOVE HIM ...FACT , i still dont understand how tthe mlc though feels more loyalty to these ow (who are not nice women as far as i am concerned i would NEVER in my life put another woman through this hell. mlc ornot ..) than to their familyies and the one person they have shared almosr half of their life with

sorry but i just needed to say this ..