[CallanG]

Mine also used to say that he did not want to come home, he said sometimes he would pull over and just cry , obviously he assumed it was because he did not want me of his life with me .

Callan

[Dagolark]

I would say we have identified another piece of script... my guy was always late from work, always working on saturday if he could. Even when he did get home he would go straight to the living room and lock himself there playing videogames for hours, then lock himself in the bathroom for another hour, then have dinner watching tv... and later, glued to the phone texting OW.

At BD he told me he couldn't stand coming home, that was why he was always staying late, said something like he would get to the front door and feel sick at the thought of coming in. I actually had forgotten that bit... how painful to hear it. Good lord, I swear I wasn't that unpleasant to be around, I was happy to see him and usually had his favourite meal ready for dinner! I for one couldn't wait for him to come home...

I thought it was because he was feeling guilty about coming in and lying to my face about OW, hence why he avoided me...

[CallanG]

I wonder if eventually they start to feel like that about going into there new homes with OW or OM .

Callan

[nah]

I wonder if eventually they start to feel like that about going into there new homes with OW or OM .

Callan

Since they left b/c of their own issues, I really, really, do feel this exact thing must happen.  However, the OP is controlling (my husband actually said this to a mutual friend) so they are forced to come home.  I gave husband all the freedom in the world, I never even asked why he didn't come home.  I thought it was work.

Now they are stuck.  If they go back on their decisions they have to admit that they were wrong.  They would have to admit it was them and face their issues.  Isn't this exact "avoidance personality trait" what got them into this mess to begin with?  On top of all this, the op is an expert in emotional blackmail.  Now you have a depressed MLCer, with an avoidance personality, being buried in guilt.  No wonder it takes a long time.   

[toomanytearss]

Now they are stuck.  If they go back on their decisions they have to admit that they were wrong.  They would have to admit it was them and face their issues.  Isn't this exact "avoidance personality trait" what got them into this mess to begin with?  On top of all this, the op is an expert in emotional blackmail.  Now you have a depressed MLCer, with an avoidance personality, being buried in guilt.  No wonder it takes a long time.   

This!

[blackice]

my h tries to avoid going back to his apartment where the ow is always at cause she never leaves. it's like an event when she goes down the street to the stupid grocery store. it's so pathetic.

but the whole depressed and not wanting to admit they made a bad decision thing is so spot on with him.

[DaRealist]

My XW told me the exact same thing -- that she hated coming home.  She would spend hours at a bar after work and weekends with her "BFF"*.  She also works with the "BFF".  So they would essentially see each other everyday.

It's strangely reassuring to see so many people hear and see the same things I've had to deal with.



* quotation marks are there to note my severe distaste for this woman

[Wildfire]

I wonder if the whole "not wanting to come home" script is part of the MLC depression and avoidance. Possibly home feels depressing to them---that whole mid-life evaluation of "Is this really my life? No, can't be, there's got to be more." Then the MLC thinking comes in that there must be something bigger and better out there for me and I must go find it so that I will no longer be depressed (not that they realize they are depressed), fill the void, escape the pain, fill-in-the-blank.

I don't think any of this is rationally thought out like this on their part. And of course they don't realize that what is causing their depression is not their home, their family, etc. but themselves.

My H so desperately wanted to sell our house. Couldn't wait to "get it into someone else's hands" he said. He is now renting another home and I recently learned he told someone he does not like where he is living. No, he does not like the person living in the house. Himself.

[trusting]

Home also represents pressure and the things they are running from.  My husband clearly did not want to be a husband or father anymore, didn't want the responsibility of home upkeep, no longer had any pride in his home (although that is also now slowly turning around!).   MLCers do try to shed the lives they were leading before.

[Songanddance]

As the last post on this thread - because we are over 150 posts...

I repeat something I said much earlier on this thread.

My D24 had serious depression and ran away from home when she was 16 until she was 18. She still has depression and some phases are very dark. However she has stated exactly what RCR says in contact and communication - the depressed person never wants to be where they are.  They are never happy anywhere - they think they might be so that's why they are constantly on the move.
 In the early days when I told H to go and live with OW if she meant that much to him, he replied
"I don't like her house"
and then " I don't like it here"
and then 1 minute later" I can relax here"
another minute later - " i could live at hers but then I would want to come home to watch the tv"

The MLCer is suffering from depression and one of the symptoms is that they never want to be where they are - they are constantly searching for that elusive haven.