[Songanddance]

To keep the topic on the mind of an MLCer (sorry no criticism at those who may have put personal thread like comments on - myself included)

I have had three interactions with H today about S who is in meltdown at the mo.
The third was the most interesting albeit upsetting..
H has decided that he will go and see someone about his head. He said that he feels as though he is living in a permanent dichotic state where one moment he thinks or does one thing and the next he tries to negate it. He gave an example.. he said he had the "mad idea" of getting a motorbike and driving across America (we are in the UK) and yet he knows that would be a really stupid thing to do.
He said - his feelings are out of control and it frightens him because he knows what he should be doing.
He stated that he will see more than one person and this was the most telling he will only stick with the person who gives the "right advice"..

He said his brain wiring feels all wrong and twisted and that he doesn't understand why this has happened. 

Just an interesting little moment.

[a]

Hi

Have just had a thought after reading an article about the meaning of life and what is the purpose of it.  In staying with the mind of a MLCer who lets face it is living through an egoic mind that has become more dysfunctional than most. 

Maybe this traumatic event that has blindsided us is to help us get clarity.  Let's face it we are also living through our ego hence our own addictions (and maybe our MLCers are part of that addiction) but maybe just maybe our higher self needed us to take this path so we could become more conscious of the meaning and purpose of life.  And maybe when we think we desire a re-connection to H that is not the path our soul wants to take........just food for thought.

take care moment

[CallanG]

S&G

That is very interesting , I know when my H had a breakdown in front of me he kept banging his head on his hands he was so desperate to feel normal again . He just kept saying that he hated feeling like he did . It was actually very painful to watch . I cannot even begin to imagine how he felt .

Callan

[calamity]

This is going back a few posts to the comments about the mlcer wanting the 'spouse they fell in love with/first met etc'.  My interpretation of that is the mlcer wants the mlcer back i.e. when they loved themselves & were young with a bright future.  Nothing to do with the lbs--I wouldn't want to be the girl he met--an uneducated, self-centred girl--no way!

On weight:  MyFitnessPal.com.  Free.  Really all this site does is track your calories but, it works.  Slow, steady weight loss.  If you do the exercise you have PLENTY to eat.  Except sweets.

[holdinon2hope]

That's a good point Calamity as it was probably projection.

As Africa as the weight..I have MFP and dint use it often...its like I'm raring to go n use it then nope, don't use it. Just a funk I think.

[Dagolark]

This is going back a few posts to the comments about the mlcer wanting the 'spouse they fell in love with/first met etc'.  My interpretation of that is the mlcer wants the mlcer back i.e. when they loved themselves & were young with a bright future.

Bingo!

How many MLCers, including mine, find a younger girl who is a carbon copy of the LBS at the beginning of the relationship? The fantasy of 'starting over' has got nothing to do with the LBS, and everything to do with the MLCer, who wants to feel they still have all the options open and they can still do whatever they want with their future.

Some MLC input about that...

- My guy repeated a few times - 'it's too late anyway, what else am I going to do with my life, I'm already 33'. (33! Not 103!)...
- We were talking about end of life wishes and he refused to express his preference, didn't even want to think about it and changed the subject (fear of mortality)
- a lot of talk about 'forever' and basically how he was freaking out thinking his life course was 'set'

[HeartTattoo]

This is going back a few posts to the comments about the mlcer wanting the 'spouse they fell in love with/first met etc'.  My interpretation of that is the mlcer wants the mlcer back i.e. when they loved themselves & were young with a bright future.  Nothing to do with the lbs--

I think this theme is in the script  . Mine said at BD that he & the OW were a team, like we had been a team when we were first married      .

He traded nearly 40 years of teamwork for someone he met on the computer  .

I wouldn't want to be the girl he met--an uneducated, self-centred girl--no way!

And I can't imagine that that is what they want either. What they want is some sort of f'ed fantasy woman.

[bookwrmmom]

Quote from XYZCF

I still believe that their MLC would have happened no matter what we did, who we were or really anything that had to do with us

This is their crisis, their issue and we did not push them into their crisis. We did nothing to cause them to go into crisis no more than if they had cancer could we be held responsible for them becoming ill.

As for the LBser doing the work they have to do....I see that as being able to survive a catastrophic event that occurred in our life. The rebuilding comes from the tsunami that rocked our world, not because we need to change because they had a crisis.

I couldn't agree with this more!! The only thing the work I am doing on ME that has to do with HIM is survival. Survival from the catastrophic event that rocked my world without warning is the PERFECT description. However now I realize that in many ways he gave me a gift. Instead of staying and making all of our lives a living hell (which believe me he has still done since leaving....until I ended that), he ran away. I remember a time reading the treads and being jealous....yes indeed JEALOUS of the LBS's who still had their MLC'er at home. I can shake my head at that now and know that was when I was crazy with grief. I honestly KNOW in my heart that for me, his running away was a blessing. It has enabled me to heal, and fix the broken pieces that he left me with. Yes there is a part of me that will be changed forever by this, but that is a good thing. The work I have done on me has been for me, and for my future. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to hear my Pastor tell me how much growth & healing he has seen in me in the past 6 1/2 months. 
As for his crisis, no there is not a thing I could have done to prevent it or change it. His crisis is because of his FOO issues that he has held onto for his entire life. Only he can fix those, and until he does he will be an unhappy and searching man.

[LisaLives]

And this is the part where you come full circle and have to have compassion for the MLCer.  Regardless of what any J, or Jae, or C, D, or E went through, what caused them to "wake up" if they ever do, or how severe their MLC was, there is no way they can EVER tell you what or why.  We ALL have a dark side and at a time like that, you can be sure, there are many deeply buried triggers that are being expressed.  Even those of us who have done substantial work and feel relatively whole, will ALWAYS have shame triggers.  A person who knows me, or is really perceptive can still push my buttons if they stare too long at my thighs or target my mommy guilt.  Not one of us is truly titanium. 

Think about it, I can't even tell you why I chose the lunch I had.  I should have had something healthier, but I didn't.  I could have even chose something I would like more.  It was not something I have never had before.  It was fast, and easy, but WHY, ll, did you eat THAT for lunch today--no freaking idea.  Why am I wearing this particular outfit, your guess...  Why when I get off work am I going to go swim and not run?  So how in the world do we REALLY think any person, ever will be able to tell you WHY and HOW they came to blow up their families?  They clearly had a mental break... 

So, as the LBS, what do you DO with that?  Move on, and do what you have to do, wait it out, if you must, but recognize that no matter how long you wait, you will NEVER have real closure on what they did, or why.  They will remember bits and pieces, and some of the story will be what they told people over and over during "that time."  But the bottom line is that your spouse saw fit to leave, in a horribly damaging and painful way--for all concerned. 

And the post and the stories were so valuable to me for confirming that.  So, again, it comes back to YOU, and to me.  I came here to tell my few remaining old-time forum friends that I got engaged.  And I admit, saying yes was PAINFUL.  Cutting that last tie to any "stand" meant several tear-filled nights.  But, for me, I always knew that after had the audacity to leave the WAY he did, I knew I was not built for that kind of forgiveness, or for waiting.  But still, the tiny secret stander believed that one day he would "wake up," realize he made a horrible mistake and come back, ready to make everything right.  But these posts confirmed that it’s not that easy.  I have a wonderful man now, and no, that’s not easy, either.  We have kid issues and other stuff—but I do know that he is stable in a way my ex never was.  His wife put him through hell, and like me, and all of us, he still never gave up.  But she walked away.  It’s awkward for all our kids, but less awkward than it would ever be for ALL of us, me, my kids, our families, our friends, to completely forgive him for launching a nuclear missile on our life. 

It doesn’t really matter what they say, all those years after—they will still never know.  Just like you have no freaking idea why you decided to take that elevator and not the other one, went to that grocery store, bought that flavor ice cream, or why you were a little rude to that clerk, but nice to the next one?  The only thing you can EVER know is how you feel and what you want to do with it.  Love and light, ll   

[bookwrmmom]

LisaLives, You are amazing and congratulations. I wish you many, many years of love and happiness!