I don't know how you get over the pain and all the hurt? I do keep myself busy and try not to
dwell with this curve ball in life. - But somehow the curve ball comes back around often.
It takes time. Look at the stuff that I posted in my earliest threads—any of it sound familiar?
You have the advantage: if your wife is having an MLC then she's not capable of seeing the long-term effects of her decisions, while you can consider the effects of yours. You also have the advantage of knowing that her MLC will take years to work itself out. If you believe that you can work things out once your wife is done with your MLC, then you need to save your energy for when that day comes.
I need some advice how communicate with her while standing and trying to leave the door wide open. How should I act
when I see her in person? how do I act if she ever start to call? Right now communication is via texting and it is usually
her texting me about our kids. "Do you want me to drop them off / pick them up" type of text. I haven't texted her directly for about 2.5 months. (After she moved out to her very expensive townhouse)
I'm confused how to act - I have no experience with this. How can you seem happy when you know deep inside how aweful
the whole thing is?
Sometimes, you have to "fake it until you make it". You might have to smile and say "Hey, it's good to see you but I have to get home" or "I'm meeting up with friends so I can't stay to visit" and take off.
The next thing to do is actually find things to do to fill your days and weeks. You have an opportunity to do the things you've wanted to do or make time for, without having to worry about whether your wife is going to give you grief about staying out late. Is there a restaurant you've wanted to try? Go for it! Have your friends invited you over to watch sports? Now is a great time to reconnect with them.
Are you a churchgoing man? If so, see if you can find a pastor or minister to talk to—someone who will be motivated to helping you protect and heal your marriage. Or confide in a trusted friend who will support your choice to Stand. You can express your frustration or anger and try to work through it without taking it out on your wife.
Any suggestions on how to approach contact under these situations?
1. Actually seeing her in person in any circumstances.
2. If she calls me - which she doesn't really do - last week she called my cell, but I didn't have it with me.
3. Texting - (right now as I said above, I do not text her. When she text me, I answer with short as possible answers.
1. It depends on the circumstances. If you bump into her at the post office or grocery store, well, you're running errands and can't chat. If you have both been invited to a friends' house or party, be polite, make as little small talk as you can and spend time talking to others. Remember,
she is the one who moved out on you. Until she makes up her mind what she wants, you aren't going to be 100% available to her.
2. Again, it depends on why she is calling. I wouldn't go out of the way to let her make small talk with you, but if she's calling because of something to do with the kids, then take the call. You can always let it go to voice mail and return the call; if she asks why you didn't answer, you just didn't get to your phone in time.
3. It sounds like you've got it right. Strive to be polite and friendly yet reserved.
If she asks you about the marriage or the divorce, there are two things you can say:
1)
Do you really think we're going to get back together? "I believe that we can make this work still, but I can't make you stay in a relationship you don't want."
2)
You should find someone else who can make you happy! "I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet." (AND THAT'S ALL! No vague threats or ultimatums.)
People who want out of a marriage—whether they are MLCing or not—have convinced themselves that the relationship is unsalvageable. Your character flaws or habits are never going to change, or the fact that you are stressed at work and grumpy when you get home, or you never have sex anymore, make her life unbearable. If you cry and beg and plead when she talks about leaving, you're actually reinforcing those negative feelings about the relationship. (Did you ever break up with a woman and have her cry and scream at you to stay? Was that behavior attractive or compelling?)
So the first thing you can do is do what the "divorce busters" at Michele Weiner-Davis' site call a "180". Is there something about your life that you don't like? Here's a great opportunity to work on that! You're already working out and getting in shape; that's a great place to start. If you can change a couple of those things—especially if they're something that also frustrates and annoys her—then you start chiseling away at her new perception of the marriage.
Remember, though, that much of this effort is going to be wasted while she is MLCing and/or having an affair. So what you're focusing on with your 180s is making those changes, and making them stick. When she comes out of the tunnel and looks back to see where you are, do you want her to see a sad, angry, bitter, man? Or a happy, confident, attractive one?
If she asks why you're so hard to get hold of, just tell her you've been busy. It helps if you really have been busy, spending time with friends or working on projects. Those friends—and your kids, for that matter—can push this idea of the "new you" much more convincingly than you can just by yourself.
I posted about the Stockdale Paradox earlier: we are living in a good example of one. On one hand, you may believe with all of your heart that the time will come when she will want to reconcile with you. On the other, you have to accept and live with the fact that she doesn't want to be with you right now, and live your life accordingly.
Female Mlcer return stories
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