[terrified_in_TN]

MeNow-

  Too late;  I hired a lawyer to file and also petition the court to have my W return my 5 yo.  Its a long story (aren't they all), but my wife REFUSES to let me have my 5 yo.  The rest of the stuff is negotiable.  In my wife's current state of mind I do not believe she should be raising a small child.  Most of her siblings that are watching my W's antics agree with me.

  Also, at this stage in my wife's life, the irony is I know her better than her own self.  My wife will do ANYTHING to "win".  No matter how dirty and low down.  Already has accusations of her being concerned I might smoke pot in the house (split a joint once with a brother in law YEARS ago...the only time I have smoked in 25 years...now its an issue?).  Also, had implications of inappropriate conduct with my OWN 16 year old daughter since we slept in the same bed several nights shortly after my W left because she didn't want to be alone.  Nevermind the fact during this time I also has a housefull....My oldest stepson, his wife, and their newborn in one room, my visiting youngest stepson and his wife in my 16 year old's room, my wifes FIRST HUSBAND (step sons real dad-yes I let him stay the night...we are on good terms) and his daughter on air mattresses in the living room, and my 16 you slept with me in my room during the duration of their visit.

  As a "nice guy", and total conflict avoider, I NEED a lawyer.  My wife is very low down.

-EDIT-  I guess this is what they mean when "too much damage has been done" when and if they ever wake up.  The implication of me and my own daughter is in my mind a line you don't dare cross unless you have some evidence to back up the accusation.

-Terrified

[MeNow]

MeNow-

  Too late;  I hired a lawyer to file and also petition the court to have my W return my 5 yo.  Its a long story (aren't they all), but my wife REFUSES to let me have my 5 yo.  The rest of the stuff is negotiable.  In my wife's current state of mind I do not believe she should be raising a small child.  Most of her siblings that are watching my W's antics agree with me.

  Also, at this stage in my wife's life, the irony is I know her better than her own self.  My wife will do ANYTHING to "win".  No matter how dirty and low down.  Already has accusations of her being concerned I might smoke pot in the house (split a joint once with a brother in law YEARS ago...the only time I have smoked in 25 years...now its an issue?).  Also, had implications of inappropriate conduct with my OWN 16 year old daughter since we slept in the same bed several nights shortly after my W left because she didn't want to be alone.  Nevermind the fact during this time I also has a housefull....My oldest stepson, his wife, and their newborn in one room, my visiting youngest stepson and his wife in my 16 year old's room, my wifes FIRST HUSBAND (step sons real dad-yes I let him stay the night...we are on good terms) and his daughter on air mattresses in the living room, and my 16 you slept with me in my room during the duration of their visit.

  As a "nice guy", and total conflict avoider, I NEED a lawyer.  My wife is very low down.

-EDIT-  I guess this is what they mean when "too much damage has been done" when and if they ever wake up.  The implication of me and my own daughter is in my mind a line you don't dare cross unless you have some evidence to back up the accusation.

-Terrified

In that case, you've done the right thing. My daughter was something I would have fought until the end for. I would hope your L is working on getting some kind of temporary custody agreement in place asap as you have a right to your daughter.

[terrified_in_TN]

In that case, you've done the right thing. My daughter was something I would have fought until the end for. I would hope your L is working on getting some kind of temporary custody agreement in place asap as you have a right to your daughter.

  She has already done it.  There is a temp custody hearing on the 27th at 9:00AM.  Again long story, but my wife was going to file no matter what when her six months was up (she moved out of state to be with alienator in her home town).  She also made it very clear that if I made her wait the entire six months she was going to go after me for "everything she can get".

  It was low down, but knowing my wife I led her to believe we were negotiating a nice easy uncontested divorce (the only way she could get her divorce she wants quickly), and at the same time I hired the lawyer and filed up here.  Now she has to drive 14+ hours for every court appearance.  I need all the advantage I can get...she is NASTY when she is mad (oddly enough she was also the most caring, giving, wonderful W anyone could ever have asked for...wow, what a change.)

  Anyway, I am scared to DEATH of the hearing.  Not that I have anything to fear, but I am an "analytical thinker".  If asked questions, I am not quick to respond-I have to analyze.  That is not good as it makes it seem as if I am searching.  Also, I have never used the services of an attorney in my entire adult life.

OP-I am sorry, did not mean to hijack.

-Terrified

-Terrified

[MeNow]

In that case, you've done the right thing. My daughter was something I would have fought until the end for. I would hope your L is working on getting some kind of temporary custody agreement in place asap as you have a right to your daughter.

  She has already done it.  There is a temp custody hearing on the 27th at 9:00AM.  Again long story, but my wife was going to file no matter what when her six months was up (she moved out of state to be with alienator in her home town).  She also made it very clear that if I made her wait the entire six months she was going to go after me for "everything she can get".

  It was low down, but knowing my wife I led her to believe we were negotiating a nice easy uncontested divorce (the only way she could get her divorce she wants quickly), and at the same time I hired the lawyer and filed up here.  Now she has to drive 14+ hours for every court appearance.  I need all the advantage I can get...she is NASTY when she is mad (oddly enough she was also the most caring, giving, wonderful W anyone could ever have asked for...wow, what a change.)

  Anyway, I am scared to DEATH of the hearing.  Not that I have anything to fear, but I am an "analytical thinker".  If asked questions, I am not quick to respond-I have to analyze.  That is not good as it makes it seem as if I am searching.  Also, I have never used the services of an attorney in my entire adult life.

OP-I am sorry, did not mean to hijack.

-Terrified

-Terrified

Yep. I was scared as well. Anticipate what questions will be asked, prepare notes and go over it many times. Prepare your offensive. I would think abandoning the marriage and taking daughter would not play well in her favor.
I do think the sooner this gets to court the better as her having daughter for an extended period of time works in her favor.

Don't worry, accusations need some evidence to back them up. The judge has most likely seen this kind of stuff many times.

Strength & honor my friend.

[OldPilot]

OP-I am sorry, did not mean to hijack.

No worries

[nah]

I was lucky in the sense that my husband is so messed up and feels so guilty that he paid for both lawyers.  Yep, he paid for both lawyers to sit outside a room while the two of us talked for about 3-4 hours.  What a dope.

As for the long term cost of divorce- this is about a very good friend of mine.

About 10 years ago my friend "C" had two kids, gorgeous house, nice cars etc., her husband "D" ran a successful business.  He started working later and later and finally just did not come home.  He was late 30's his girlfriend 19.

"C" was a stay-at-home mom and had no way to pay the bills.  She did not even know how to contact "D".  She was crushed, I remember she wouldn't even get out of bed for about six months.  They lost everything.  She said she left the house with only what she could fit into her car and went to her parents with her kids.

Today they are divorced.  "C" now lives with her kids and her boyfriend in their new house.  It is so obvious that she is happier than she has ever been.  She went back to school, got a great job.  Every time I see her, she is smiling ear to ear. 

"D" was just diagnosed with cancer.  He also lost his job, has no money, no health insurance and no retirement.  His girlfriend (yep, the same one) just joined the military so guess who is taking care of "D" while he goes through his treatments.  Yes, "C"

Their son just had his 21st birthday.  "C" invited "D" along to the celebration b/c she feels bad for him.  He is broke, sick and alone.   

[Darth Obo]

I think this is all dependent on the individual, how bad their crisis is, the damage done, and how the LBS reacts / treats them!

If you can get a fair deal and get it in writing between you without going to court, it would save you money.

I was lucky in the sense that my husband is so messed up and feels so guilty that he paid for both lawyers.

These are the two things that worked in my favor! The guilt was a big one, and the fact I stayed amicable with her the whole time trying to work through the issues and also how I approached her to tell her I was ready to give her the divorce. On this, I validated her feelings, told her it was ok to feel the way she did and I would rather let her go in a "friendly" manner. To this, she agreed that I had been a good provider throughout our marriage, was not abusive, and did my best to care for the family. This brought her to the conclusion I should not have to pay her forever or an extended amount of time. She just needed enough so BOTH of us could maintain our standard of living, but especially D11.

To keep me from getting completely fleeced, I offered to settle with her uncontested, share 50/50 custody (her as primary custodian) instead of fighting a battle, as long as she was reasonable with her request and only what she NEEDED!

The deal we made was she got the house, most of the furniture/home assets, and all her personal property. She also must refinance the home within 2 years to remove me from responsibility. I agree to take most of the debt except her personal credit card. When all was said and done, we did the CS calculations to determine what I had to pay, then asked her what she NEEDED! We then looked at our total costs for the month, including gas, food, utilities, etc! From there, she gave me the amount she wanted. I added that to my monthly costs, and when the calculations were done, we were both walking away with the same amount of expendable income after everything was said and done.

What did this accomplish:
- She got the house and agreed to pay the mortgage herself; she has to refinance in 2 years or it goes on the market and we split the profits!
- I didn't want the house; bad memory for me. Plus, I bought it for her and D11; I wanted the least amount of turmoil for D11 so she stays in her home, around her friends, same school, for now!
- The debt's I took are in the process of consolidation. When all is said and done, I will only be paying a fraction of what I was paying out, the interest on all these are now reduced / negated, and they will be paid off a lot quicker than I would keeping them. All said and done, I will live credit card free (cash only) for the first time in 20+ years! very liberating and I am able to put into savings every month! No more check to check while I was with X!!!
- Our lifestyles really haven't changed except for me; I live in an apartment. It's ok though, because it is temporary and I will have my own house in the future. The apartments I live in have great amenities to include pool, gym, laundry, car wash and a few others. Nicest apartments in the area and best bang for the cost; I pay about 60% in rent what she pays in mortgage! I am 15 minutes from downtown so great for things to do with D11, on my own, or with my girlfriend!
- We decided to keep our own 401(k), retirement plans to ourselves.
- All my CS & Alimony end when D11 is 18, and then I have no further obligations to her!

The best part of it all...I am free from all the stress! It was such a relief to agree on it and it was a total relief when I moved out on my own! I was finally able to relax and really let go and knew everything was going to be ok!

An interesting side note: D11 can decide who she wants to live with at age 14 per state law. Unless it can be proven detrimental to her health & welfare, the courts really have to let he have what she wants. They have nothing to prove me "unfit" so it is what it is! D11 has already told X she doesn't want to live with her, she will not accept and "boyfriend" or future husband of hers, and she can choose to live with me at age 14 which is her intention. Oddly enough, D11 is completely accepting of me having a girlfriend or future wife / stepmom! Go figure!

I don't encourage or discourage this, I told her when the time comes, whatever decision she makes I will support her! This would really tip the tables; not only would CS stop, but by law, X would have to then pay me CS which would negate her alimony!


Anyway, that was my experience. Recommend you try to settle with a mediator or do what we did; we went through LegalZoom and did it all ourselves for $300.00!!! The papers are guaranteed if not accepted by the judge / courts!

As long as you agree and it is uncontested, and no minds get changed when you stand before the judge, they pretty much just sign off on it and done deal!!


Obo

[rover77]

divorce/custody battles...sometimes you have no choice..I spent 18 months in court ..we were both ruined financially...but it was a draw..she asked for sole custody until the day of the trial but failed..if she had 'won'..she would probably have moved to another state to be with her toad..and my kids with her..not happening on my watch

[Rookie13]

Obo,

I'm liking how your D went down, mine was similar (in I did better than her and Yes it can happen for men!  except for the fact that Ex was Monster during mediation and wouldn't budge and even prompted the lawyer mediating us to tell me he thinks she is 'nuts'! lol

I also took on most of the debt and also consolidated it (in lu of getting the house). It took only three years to pay off the cards that otherwise would have taken a lifetime and then some!  . Credit score took a major hit in doing so but like you.... if I don't have the cash..I don't need it and have since started rebuilding my credit.

I don't/didn't have to pay her alimony or support in lu of paying for the kids colleges which she has since taken me back to collect child support in stead of me paying for all of college. ( Guess this was a good thing for her as she now collects CS and STILL pays ZERO for our two oldest in college.. )... ( Yes, I am in the process of taken her back to court to 'fix' this).

I have my two oldest full time and two youngest half time til they are also 14 and she had herself removed from the title of the house. Split my 401k (she didn't have one) and savings..Been D for 4 years now and things (financial etc) do get better with time.

Rover...hear that! not on my watch either! I actually stopped her from moving one state away (OM#2 lived there) a couple of years back (would have only been a 20 min difference in commute) but if I gave in to that who the f*uck knows where else she would try and take my kids!

I would like to know Terrified in Tenn, is how are you going to approach the 14 hour commute in court when you get your kids 50% of the time? ( I'm pretty sure the court will grant that even if she is granted physical custody)..

[twiceburnt]

Yikes, you guys are scaring the s$%t out of me too.  I can definitely see why many MLCers never get a second chance.   

I hope mine will be civil also.  I have a bad feeling that she's going to be nasty (or try to be at least), but we'll see.  When she moved out the first time, things were pretty civil between us.  She took most of the household stuff (and I'm assuming she will again), but oh well, that can be replaced.  I can live off an air mattress again if need be.   My friends called our house the "foreclosure house" because it was so empty after she left.

My friend who owns a successful business got a D a couple years ago (and makes a lot more $ than me).  His W didn't even work, and he didn't get hit too badly for maintenance, and he only had to pay that for 2 years I think. 

That being said, as for the future, I'm not sure how my W is going to afford to live on her own (unless I get screwed with "maintenance" or something).  She got a place at one of those "low income" apartment complexes the last time, and had to get food stamps I was told.  She won't get to party nearly every night because she won't be able to afford it. 

I don't see a good future for her quite honestly.  I think she'll always struggle financially.  It will be even more difficult to search for external things to make her happy when she can't afford to do anything.  It's easy for her to go party and drive all over the place when I'm paying all the bills. 

Maybe the OM will decide to take care of her.  None of her previous OM were even remotely interested in that though.  I doubt the current OM will either.  Once it is all out in the open, I wonder how long the relationship is going to last - probably not long.  I heard this guy jumps from woman to woman pretty frequently.

As for me, I'm sure it won't be easy, but I have a much better chance of coming out on top than her.