[MyBrainIsBroken]

True. But if LBS and MLCer reconcile there is no clean slate. So, how can it really be any good? There will always be a huge imbalance between both parts.

But it seems that in almost every case I've read on here the lbs and mlcer will be rebuilding on the foundation of a long and mostly happy marriage and that the mlc was an aberration due to the mlcer's crisis. And they will also be building on an lbs who loved the mlcer so much they were willing to stand while going through he!!. And an mlcer who hopefully has come out of the fog and is truly remorseful and dismayed at the damage they have done.

[MeNow]

Ok, I'm sure no one will really have this answer but I'm putting it out there as a fear I have.

H left last week and has been with EA turn PA I'm guessing for the last 9 day. He will be coming back sometime in the next few days and I'm fearful of what they both have been cooking up against me. As in the list of stuff she's wanting him to do to keep moving forward on our divorce. Mood wise...what am I to expect?  Obviously, I'm guessing he's had a pretty awsome time with her. It's one of two times he has spend long time with her. I'm so nervious for his return. It's been peaceful and now I'm stressed that he's mood is going to be whacked out. He's not going to be coming back wanting anything to do with me I'm sure.

UL,

Your sitch is a difficult one. I think the main fear you have has to do with what you are expecting.
What are you expecting? He's been off with OW, now coming home will hurt you.

I'm not sure all the details of your sitch about why that is. I guess I need more info on your "strategy" as to why H is coming and going as he pleases.

The good news is that you can prepare yourself accordingly. Have no expectations, treat him kindly, and focus on doing things for yourself. Remember about your power. Don't give it to him.

Best to you   

[confused_but_trying]

It won't truly be good like it is when two people start with a clean slate.

True. But if LBS and MLCer reconcile there is no clean slate. So, how can it really be any good? There will always be a huge imbalance between both parts.

I'm just being devil's advocate here, some of the people on this board who reconcile are quite happy.

It is wiped clean by forgiveness, earning trust, hard work, perserverance, a deeper rebuilt love. I've read that rebuilding is harder and takes more patience than when the ordeal started. It takes two and they both have to be committed. I also believe this is what God intended for marriages. Just my thoughts.

Quoted for truth.  I look at it this way.  If the mlcer didn't go on their "journey", problems would exist in the marriage as a result.  This would have a negative impact on what would be the lbs.  In order for the marriage to survive and be healthy, the crisis has to happen.  It is a difficult road, but I believe it is God's way to get us to change for the better.  He works in mysterious ways.

[MeNow]

If both can just come together, the lessons learned could make the marriage better than it ever was.
If.

There are several examples of that on this forum.

[Songanddance]

I recognize that the alienator is only a symptom of the dis-ease, my h has said repeatedly that it is not about her or me but him, that he needs to grow, and that he hopes he grows up soon, that he is chasing youth and afraid of aging, that she will never understand him as I do and that he knows a relationship with her is hopeless. In the beginning he was less open about these details, but when I first found out about the affair, and some of the similarities between me and the alienator, h said placed side by side you would win on most every front.

The alienator in my situation stacks up like this -
A - same birthday as me, only 12 years younger meaning same Chinese astrology too
A - like me, passionate animal lover
A - like me, very involved in the arts, including teaching undergrad courses in art right after grad school
A - like me, learned to rock climb at 23 and became very involved briefly
A - like me, extremely interested in gardening and plants
A - like me, loves books and reading
A - like me, very interested in analog technology particularly photography
A - like me, when I was her age and met my H, I did not like or trust men, then I fell for H and learned to trust
A - very similar family dynamic to mine, including a sweet but dopy younger brother who lives in San Diego
A - nose stud of the exact same type as mine (only I have two)
A - same color hair, eyes, and skin tone, similar body types (she is much shorter though), we both wear glasses part-time and have a pair that is nearly identical, our eyes are a very similar shape, when I have seen pictures of her mother, she looks almost exactly like my aunt who looks just like me
A - similar choice of attire to what I wore at her age
A - like me, very interested in music, drawing, and creation generally
A - like me, loves good food and cooking
A - like me, a little on the shy side

One thing that is very different between me and the alienator, is that she seems much more conventional in every way. It is like she is a less intense version of me. She is just a little less curvy, just a little less off the wall, just a little less self reliant, just a little less creative, less moles, less volume to her hair, less moral judgement, less consideration for another woman, just a little less, just a little less. She does have youth on her side, and her skin is less flawed, her face is less intense and more conventionally pretty.

My H was married but separated when we met. I was too. We had 26 years together . I realised that contrary to my thinking that OW was a younger version of me - she is actually a younger version of his first wife. There are far more "similarities" between her and OW than there are between me and OW.

Why do this?  Because we do and this is part of our growth as well as it is to really learn that this is part of replay. If the MLCer can replay his life with someone who is like the LBS then he won't make the same mistakes!!!! Uh DUH!!!
So drop the need to compare and accept that obsessing over the alienator is our choice as is our choice to not obsess over her/him.

[adult condor]

I understand that we need to stop obsessing but I also do think it is part of the process. Around the time of bomb drop H said that he saw this as a lesson to grow from, and that he learned things from our relationship that he wouldn't repeat in the next one. So that certainly was part of his thinking.

I am doing my best not to obsess but sometimes there needs to e a place to vent the frustration and venting to friends and family is very damaging.

[blackice]

my h said the same thing AC, but the problems are still there and they happened a lot faster and more frequent. plus he has some more that he never had with me. so just let it happen. it's a process.

[terrified_in_TN]

  That is one thing that just makes my head spin...prior to wife's departure, she was SO conflicted.  Of course I got the "ILYBINILWY" speech, but I could tell there was still love there.  She dropped SOOOO many hints that she would "be back" someday.  Hell come to find out she told D16 "I don't see myself marrying this guy, I just want to have my fun."  Also I distinctly remember a conversation we had that she said since my own little MLC in 2009 things just haven't been the same, and that we should D and get remarried in the future for a "fresh start".  Odd.

  Then of course after she physically left, all that changed-she expresses absolutely ZERO feelings for me AT ALL now.  Just bizarre.  But then again, she is HEAVILY involved with OM now, so maybe that has something to do with it?  Or is it just the "escape and avoid" mentality since she can't really totally escape me since we have children (and possibly she feels tied down by the piece of paper called a marriage certificate-probably why she wants a divorce so bad???)

-Terrified

[ruggedendurance]

My XW got her divorce almost two years ago.
I wanted to hold out as long as possible but she kept getting more and more radical.
I've been in exactly your shoes.
You will NEVER makes sense of insanity and that is exactly what you are dealing with.
That is why detachment is the only answer.   Separate yourself from the madness and get a comfortable chair.
She is going to spin out of control until she gets tired of it.
When she is ready to be logical?    You should be well rested.

[superdog]

Hi I have a question for menow. You  said in your post my affair partner was an still is a special person.  You called her your affair partner which means she was willing taking part in breaking up a marriage. At what point do you acknowledge that she was not being special when she was doing that.

This is the point I struggle with  the mlcer never seems to see what the ow did, they continue as you have done to somewhat idolise this person like some kind of Saint. It is not saintly to be an affair partner.

I am not having a go at you menow, I am simply using what you said as an example of what we hear all the time. If any one ever seems to get a free pass, it's the affair partner.

Just asking.

Sd
X