[MyBrainIsBroken]

I read everyone's stories on here and I just can't believe how screwed up these MLCers can become. I'm not sure I'd believe any of you if I hadn't seen my own W go from being someone everyone loved and respected to becoming a woman that we barely recognize. My D's friend asked her recently if I would take W back if she ever "got her head out of her butt". I believe that about sums it up. And when she saw the OM her comment was "Ewww. She left your dad for that?" 

[nah]

I know this is a crisis and it makes no sense but do any of them sit you down and tell you they are unhappy and we need to work on this marriage.  Give us some clue.  Some time to adjust to it?  Nope, they just make up their minds and off they go leaving us stunned.

I guess thats what makes this not a "normal divorce".  After 28+ really good years (he admits this too), the first sentence of BD was, "you know this was not a good year".  First, no I did not know, second- one bad year after 28+ really good years and you just leave?  Who does this?  Then, people just shrug their shoulders and say, "i guess it was't meant to be".  Huh? ??  Is this normal??

[MeNow]

Do any of you know your H/W AP of are they just a random? I do not have a definite confirmation of an A but fairly sure my H is seeing a coworker.

In my opinion, it's usually who takes a interest in them first.

I'm going to be the devil's advocate for a moment just b/c it's something that is always simmering in the back of my mind.

Menow- your affair partner was a long lost love.  There must have been something special about her.  Yes, the timing was right  (or wrong, depending how you want to look at it) but if you were both truly single, do you think this could have been a relationship that would have worked?

What I'm saying is- maybe we are focusing on the bad stuff b/c it's what we want to see.  We want them to be wrong, we want them to come back.  They won't come back if they are happy so we tell ourselves that they must be miserable but something else is stopping them from coming back to us.

I keep bashing the girl, saying she can't compare to me.  However, he did choose her over me.  There must be something special about her for him to do this.  It was his choice, nobody forced him.  He choose to destroy his reputation, his integrity, his family, his finances, to be with her instead of me.  There must be something about her that he likes.  Is it possible that she is a good person with good qualities in a bad situation?  Is it possible that she truly loves my husband?  Is is possible that he truly loves her and just "fell out of love" with me? 

I keep saying how my husband is such an idiot.  Maybe I'm the idiot.

Hello nah,

Sorry I didn't see this question. I think I'm stretched out on so many threads I miss things.

Anyway, good question. Your questions are very pointed, direct and get to the heart of the matter. I like that about you.
My affair partner was and is a special person. Was that enough? No. My years with my W and my family were all still a part of me. It CANNOT be erased. It can buried, distracted from, but in the stillness of the night, when it's just me and my thoughts, I cannot escape that. Your spouses cannot either.

If I were truly single and her as well, I would have tried to make it work. I'm pretty sure we would have had problems though because my issues would have caused them. But I also know there would have been long term problems if we stayed in the affair because of the way it happened. Committing adultery and causing my kids pain would always be lingering.

I cannot say if your H is happy with OW. You would know better than anyone when you see him. Is he happy, vibrant, beaming with life? Or is he angry, lifeless, bitter, lost? If so, then he's not as happy as you think.

Your H seems to want to capture some of his youth. He acts like a rebellious teenager. I don't know the OW but it's just not a good thing to start a relationship with someone through cheating. It won't last. It won't truly be good like it is when two people start with a clean slate.

So don't compare yourself to her. Not even close. I've never met you but I can tell you are an amazing person. Fun, smart, loving, tempestuous, attractive, classy, real - with much to offer.

So all of you, stop it. It's not you. Your spouses are crazy people. I say this from first hand experience. Crazy people.
   

[adult condor]

I have yet to read all the posts on this thread but I do think it is helpful when we see how similar many of our stories are. I know there are different kinds of alienators, I agree with many of you that the alienator is the most difficult part of this whole mess. That said, I have not yet had to manage much in the way of a nasty monster, he only peaks out occasionally when my H is cornered in a lie.

I recognize that the alienator is only a symptom of the dis-ease, my h has said repeatedly that it is not about her or me but him, that he needs to grow, and that he hopes he grows up soon, that he is chasing youth and afraid of aging, that she will never understand him as I do and that he knows a relationship with her is hopeless. In the beginning he was less open about these details, but when I first found out about the affair, and some of the similarities between me and the alienator, h said placed side by side you would win on most every front.

The alienator in my situation stacks up like this -
A - same birthday as me, only 12 years younger meaning same Chinese astrology too
A - like me, passionate animal lover
A - like me, very involved in the arts, including teaching undergrad courses in art right after grad school
A - like me, learned to rock climb at 23 and became very involved briefly
A - like me, extremely interested in gardening and plants
A - like me, loves books and reading
A - like me, very interested in analog technology particularly photography
A - like me, when I was her age and met my H, I did not like or trust men, then I fell for H and learned to trust
A - very similar family dynamic to mine, including a sweet but dopy younger brother who lives in San Diego
A - nose stud of the exact same type as mine (only I have two)
A - same color hair, eyes, and skin tone, similar body types (she is much shorter though), we both wear glasses part-time and have a pair that is nearly identical, our eyes are a very similar shape, when I have seen pictures of her mother, she looks almost exactly like my aunt who looks just like me
A - similar choice of attire to what I wore at her age
A - like me, very interested in music, drawing, and creation generally
A - like me, loves good food and cooking
A - like me, a little on the shy side

One thing that is very different between me and the alienator, is that she seems much more conventional in every way. It is like she is a less intense version of me. She is just a little less curvy, just a little less off the wall, just a little less self reliant, just a little less creative, less moles, less volume to her hair, less moral judgement, less consideration for another woman, just a little less, just a little less. She does have youth on her side, and her skin is less flawed, her face is less intense and more conventionally pretty.

One thing that seemed to lure in my H who felt out of control of his life, since 'I was making all the decisions about us, and his career was not going well,' and he felt like 'a second class citizen,' 'not validated in our relationship,' was her need to be saved from male abuse. She was being sexually harassed by a co-worker and was raped by a taxi-cab driver in the past. H really stepped up to the plate and became knight

That is the disgusting reality of my life.

[adult condor]

Oh one more disgusting tid-bit - my H chose to 'court' on a very similar timeline including time of year. Meaning they slept together after about the same amount of time as 'friends' and it might have even been the same day in the year 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

So all of you, stop it. It's not you. Your spouses are crazy people. I say this from first hand experience. Crazy people.
 

Thank you, MeNow.

[UnconditionalLove]

WOW, Sorry all, I was with friends today and then I came back and all these post. I read through them but I need to read them again. So much information here.

But one thing that made me chuckle and seems to really be the theme is


So all of you, stop IT. It's not you. Your spouses are crazy people. I say this from first hand experieince. Crazy  people. LOL! I love that! It's so true! Sad but true. I'm praying H crazy goes away!

[UnconditionalLove]

Ok, I'm sure no one will really have this answer but I'm putting it out there as a fear I have.

H left last week and has been with EA turn PA I'm guessing for the last 9 day. He will be coming back sometime in the next few days and I'm fearful of what they both have been cooking up against me. As in the list of stuff she's wanting him to do to keep moving forward on our divorce. Mood wise...what am I to expect?  Obviously, I'm guessing he's had a pretty awsome time with her. It's one of two times he has spend long time with her. I'm so nervious for his return. It's been peaceful and now I'm stressed that he's mood is going to be whacked out. He's not going to be coming back wanting anything to do with me I'm sure.

[Anjae]

It won't truly be good like it is when two people start with a clean slate.

True. But if LBS and MLCer reconcile there is no clean slate. So, how can it really be any good? There will always be a huge imbalance between both parts.

I'm just being devil's advocate here, some of the people on this board who reconcile are quite happy.

[MeNow]

It won't truly be good like it is when two people start with a clean slate.

True. But if LBS and MLCer reconcile there is no clean slate. So, how can it really be any good? There will always be a huge imbalance between both parts.

I'm just being devil's advocate here, some of the people on this board who reconcile are quite happy.

It is wiped clean by forgiveness, earning trust, hard work, perserverance, a deeper rebuilt love. I've read that rebuilding is harder and takes more patience than when the ordeal started. It takes two and they both have to be committed. I also believe this is what God intended for marriages. Just my thoughts.