[Symptomoftheuniverse]

My STBXW and I were together for almost 27 years, bomb drop ILYBINILWY April 6, 2013, divorce will be final a week from today. In my case as many of yours, the OM is the complete opposite from me and my W is the complete opposite of who she used to be. I'm a yoga instructor and weight lifter with an athletic build. I stand tall, look people in the eye and am very outgoing. OM has a beer belly, walks pigeon toed with shoulders hunched forward and stares at the ground. I have a full head of thick curley shoulder length hair which she always loved. OM has a crew cut with a giant bald spot in the back. I'm clean shaven, again something she always loved. OM has a REALLY bad mustache, she used to HATE mustaches. I don't drink but OM has a drinking problem, she used to be against drinking but now they sit in the bars. She used to hate hunting and guns, now she shoots just about anything that moves. OM is into bow hunting and the like. She most definitely found someone with no self esteem who she could control. She still won't admit that she's been seeing anyone, but she's been seen around town including once by me. I think for most of us, once we see and hear about what our spouses left us for, we should be relieved that it really wasn't us and this is MOST DEFINITELY a MLC affair down.

[Priscilla]

Do any of you know your H/W AP of are they just a random? I do not have a definite confirmation of an A but fairly sure my H is seeing a coworker.

[MeNow]

Do any of you know your H/W AP of are they just a random? I do not have a definite confirmation of an A but fairly sure my H is seeing a coworker.

In my opinion, it's usually who takes a interest in them first.

[Symptomoftheuniverse]

My wife's current OM is a coworker, but she's been with anyone who takes an interest.

[starting over]

After seeing my H 50  18 yo OW I know he's messed up. My S18 wouldn't be caught looking at her. He now talks and acts like a teen.

[lulu]

I think my H was? with the OW on/off for almost 2 years. He's 41 she's 26. He's told me that he uses her to isolate himself from everyone, that she could be anyone, just a distraction from his depression.  When I asked him recently if he wanted to be with her he scowled with disgust and said no...but didn't think there was anything wrong with making out with her while hoping we get back together one day...HUH???  I don't know how to compare her to myself as she's a tiny Asian girl and I'm a regular Caucasian. The only similarity between us that I can tell is that everyone tells me how nice I am, and that is how he describes her.

[Searching4Answers]

Do any of you know your H/W AP of are they just a random? I do not have a definite confirmation of an A but fairly sure my H is seeing a coworker.

In my opinion, it's usually who takes a interest in them first.

I would agree with that. I asked H why her, he said 'because she was willing'

[OceanLady]

UnconditionalLove, I will add my story, the short version, for your discussion thread.

My xH's love affair was started by him, not by her directly. The OW is xH's old high school GF from 1976-77...she broke it off after my H went into the army and married another HS guy shortly thereafter.  That M lasted 3 years or so and she has been single since then and has no children...totally available.  They are both 56 years old now, I am 58 yo.  H and I met in early 1993 and married in mid 1994. He had no contact with her for all that time in-between and didn't want to as she had broken his heart in 1977.

In Jan. 2010, the OW came to town (from south US to north US) to visit her father in the hospital and stopped by H's parents house for a visit and said to tell Mr. OL that she said hello.  His sis did tell him this info; his mother said that she would not.  A few weeks later, H found her info thru the internet and called her on Valentine's Day for a 10 minute conversation on his way home from work.  I looked at the phone calls a few months later and found this out.  During that time the phone calls were 3 or 4 hours per day as well as ipod texting while he was home.  4 weeks after the start of the EA and never seeing her yet, he asked for a divorce while prancing around the kitchen ...very unusual for him to be acting like that or talking about a D.  4 weeks after that he filed for the D without me knowing it, 2.5 months later he left our home after the intimacy had increased from Zero to full-on (his idea, I was very confused by this), and 3 years later the D was final, including 1 year for the state supreme court appeal which H filed for.  The OW moved here  2 months after H moved out but to a different town than he or I...her plan all along I think.

I don't know much about their R but 6 months after he left, he said that they would never live together....I guess there was a problem there...or so it seemed that day.  I know there were a few times when they were fighting and he was the one to call and reconnect (emotionally needy).  I have seen emails where she was telling him what to do during the D and with our taxes...and it was not good news for me.  MLCer's cannot think straight and they do what the OW tells them to do.  After ~4.75 years, they have never lived together, but she is still the OW. 

My S15, now S18, lived with him for 3.5 years until 1 month ago when he went off to tech school a few states away.  He told me that xH threw her out of the house and his parents house on 2 occasions as OW and S18 do not get alone at all and were fighting.  xH's family was very surprised at that! (Yes, his family has believed all of his lies and half truths about his terrible wifey!) XH moved 2 weeks after S18 left (free now) and I do not know where he went; I do not know for sure if they are living together now or not....my S18 says he doesn't think so.  I do know (from S18) that he has moved to a part of the state that he would never go to before to be closer to OW's place.  So, now that he is free of any responsibility to his family, we will see what happens.  I think he has been in Limbo for 3.5 years while S was living with him, although he went to OW's place every weekend and left S to fend for himself.  Last summer I got an email from xH stating that he wanted to 'get past our recent history' but he has said nothing else since that time....maybe he forgot.  LOL  He does not talk to me and has been that way for many years...he will occasionally answer an email but only about S18, nothing about himself.  S18 lived with his father for all that time but they never did anything together or hardly spoke...only about cars at S18's probing.  OW was his complete distraction from life and family.  I do not know which one of them is more manipulative, xH or OW but, I do not see it as a very healthy relationship...just a needy one on both parts.  I think that the infatuation has worn off but xH has done much harm and I do not believe that he knows how to or wants to fix anything; narcissists do not apologize for their mistakes...as they have none!!  He is still very lost after all this time!  He was withdrawn from S and I for many years before he called the OW...early Separation and low-level depression I suppose.

Well, that is the short story.  I don't know if it answered any of your Q's or not but I don't think all is swell in MLC land!
And, YES....she was the first one to come along and pay him any attention.  I believe that he would still be home if she had told him, a married man, to go away....but, she told him that leaving him was the worse mistake of her life and that he should divorce his wife to be with her....so he did!!!   

[UnconditionalLove]

Yeah, maybe my H is seeing things that way as in she was willing but I don't know.  He's willing to move 18 hours from where he lives to be with her. He's all in.  I can't amagine doing that just for anyone simply because she is willing but maybe. Maybe it's about running from his depression. I'm sure that is playing a part.  One thing I do know, he wants far away from me right now. Now waivering with him on that.

[Ready2Transform]

UnconditionalLove, mine moved two states away to live with the OW, even after saying he was with her only because "he felt so alone."  Assured me many times it wasn't what I thought.  Was still non-committal about it at our divorce hearing even with the papers in his hand, and after a year of being very public with the relationship.  It was very volatile early on, with damage to his vehicle, broken ribs, and a swollen lip (he actually told me that he'd accidentally punched himself in the face - it's like he wasn't even trying to lie well!), all I believe caused by the OW or in some way related to her.  She had an angry husband she kicked out, too, so the hostility was fuel for their fire.  No clue where it's at now.  I've seen recent pictures and she's changed a lot (probably doubled her weight), so I don't guess things are great.  And she is in the category of slightly older.  At BD he was 39 and she was 44. 

I could describe her very apparent affair-down qualities, but my late friend who met the OW always had the magic words: "R2T, she's not like you."  And that's really all there is to it.  There's so much more to reconciliation and healing from MLC than just this relationship ending, why waste time comparing.  It will end when it ends (and more than likely, it will end), but we have to keep living in the meantime without our lives depending on that.  This will forever change who we are and we can proactively make that a good thing, despite these people.  No kidding there!