[UnconditionalLove]

Lots of great information!

I believe my husband is wanting a divorce because he really thinks he's done with me after the interest of a 32 year old that he is going to run off with. She is not in the same state but they have bonded via a research connection. He really believes he's in love with her. Could he be? I think so, she is probably going to have to dump him before he'll walk but then again MLC could step in and he could make the decision. After all he walked away from me.

Another reason for the divorce is he's still lying about having an EA and being connection with the person. He's wanting to have this divorce because he doesn't want to look bad.  In his head he thinks he's doing a good job covering up and that there is still a possibility he could come out of all this looking ok. It won't happen but he still doesn't see the big picture and that he's not covering up anything really.

[Darth Obo]

The male oxytosin rush is gone immediately, in all men. They say this biological response apparently fuels many men's need for very regular sex to feel bonded.

I'll just add to my post above and this particular sentence from June; this is absolutely correct. Men are typically berated as "only wanting sex". It's not all we want, but this statement is generally correct that sex is a primary factor in the pair bonding of a man to his wife/SO. It's both a physical and emotional need! On average, men want/desire sex about every 3 days!

When it is withheld, whether purposefully or otherwise, we withdraw emotionally because of feeling rejected and the affect of the chemical bonding starts to deteriorate.


DO

[dbpb]

If wayward  man is getting  sex from the OW, how then will a bond be developed with LBS? What reignites the spark?

[Medusa]

It's more than just sex, dbpd. Remember that the OP is as messed up as the MLCer. Once the infatuation wears off and they start coming to their senses (if they do) they will hopefully start to remember that their spouse/former spouse isn't the horrible creature they made us out to be. I don't accept that all of this is based on hormones. They absolutely play a role, but there is a lot more going on. 

[Darth Obo]

If wayward  man is getting  sex from the OW, how then will a bond be developed with LBS? What reignites the spark?

It won't happen until the fantasy burns out, her true nature appears, the incompatibilities start interfering and the physical part dies off most likely!

The bond you have / had is still there; it's just buried under piles of his BS and he's self-medicating with the OW. It wont have a chance to happen until he see's the mess and realizes what he left behind and bounces off rock bottom.

It's more than just sex, dbpd. Remember that the OP is as messed up as the MLCer. Once the infatuation wears off and they start coming to their senses (if they do) they will hopefully start to remember that their spouse/former spouse isn't the horrible creature they made us out to be. I don't accept that all of this is based on hormones. They absolutely play a role, but there is a lot more going on. 

Medusa is correct! The hormonal info I posted is at play always, but there is more to it. And it doesn't mean the bond created just "goes away" because the physical aspect isn't there. I was merely adding to what June had referenced and was showing the differences from a biological aspect!


DO

[TopsyTurvy]

My H sex drive took a downturn (barely once a month ) when he turned 40 and joined the Police (he is currently 46) so what's the attraction with a much younger OW??? and a 1 yr old child. Can't be sex, can't have that much time and without the inclination......

[june]

Men and women both withdraw sex when something else is going on that they don't lake and can't communicate, its comparatively rare that it's medical hormonal issues.

Withdrawing physically is often a biological natural aversion because the partner as a safe haven....its something else that is not communicated and stored away in fear or anger or anxiety or worry etc.  It can be a slow process of withdraw so that a partner doesn't notice until years later. At this point in a relationship (early, non abusive) counselors, not using the latest science, often advise that it's OK to physically withdraw in protection....science says the opposite when you want to maintain a relationship for the long term in these situations....of course relationship coaching (not counseling) is the other scientific (social science and stats) advised treatment...not relationship counseling!

Most of us already passed this window here....myself included. I was not educated and didn't see clues of withdraw that now I see clearly. I my case I did up my sex initiation and I saw a great response....but he was detaching already, when I noticed. He got angry that I was working in things months later. He actually said that he was angry, post bomb drop!..Lord...suddenly verbal....great....not that his words have been clear given his present emotional roller coaster.

That said, I don't mind being the person blamed for working in things when he is detaching...not the worst charge. Of course I have things I want to do better and fears that were driving my actions that I am ashamed of now, but my stressed out family and friends (for me) are great people to practice my new relationship skills with...it takes a lot of time to change behaviors and have it feel natural.

I working on me with the hope of showing him that safe haven he once saw in me. I am praying he is not completely detached and that his questioning the shortness of life, his past choices not meeting his present desires, and pressure and advice of his anxious divorced mother - will fade away in time, leaving the man I know and love to think clearly for himself and live in the present with me again.

[toysaplenty]

Not sure if anyone has ever posted these lyrics or not... It's called "I Believe" by Christina Perri, it seems appropriate to all of us LBS who are facing having to re-invent a life for ourselves...
I believe if I knew where I was going, I’d lose my way
 I believe that the words that he told you, are not your grave
 I know that, we are not, the weight of all our memories
 I believe in the things that I am afraid to say
 Hold on, hold on
 I believe in the lost possibilities, you can't see
 And I believe that the darkness reminds us, where light can be
 I know that, your heart is, still beating, beating, darling
 I believe that you fell, so you would, land next to me
‘Cause I have been where you are before
 And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
 And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
 I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday
 And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way
 I wish that, you could see, your scars turn into beauty
 I believe that today it’s okay, to be not okay
 Hold on, hold on
‘Cause I have been where you are before
 And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
 And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
 This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
 

[MyBrainIsBroken]

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

At the end of the song she repeats this over and over along with the words "I am still alive" and "Hold on". I need to keep listening to this until I believe it. Thanks for posting this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53CNJnmFr5I

[willitgetbetter]

My H is being increasingly affectionate, nice and helpful to me since he moved out to be with OW. We had a R talk. He didn't monster and admitted that I was right to say that he did horrible things to me. Then when he saw me he kissed my cheek and put my face in his hands and said "Hang in there."

I feel like if he can admit he did wrong and put my face in his hands, and be overly nice he must be somewhat lucid enough to know if his decision was right or wrong. And be pretty sure of himself, no?

Not sure I'm explaining this well but hope you can understand what I mean.