[What Next]

OliveOyl

I can completely identify with those feelings.  I even suspect I know when I stopped trusting my H in our relationship and it was before we were married.  Nothing sinister but he had reassured me on something and when it didn't come through he fell off the pedestal.  I don't think I ever trusted his judgement the same again and that was unfair because he had not been in control just naive.  But if I am honest it pushed me right back into my core coping mechanism - only trust what I say or see.  This comes up a lot at my counselling sessions!

I wish you and your family a peaceful and calm Thanksgiving.  Hugs!

[hampc0cv]

His Angel,

I just sent a long response but it must have gotten lost in the process so here is a short version.

You mentioned that you probably did not participate enough in helping with things.

I did just the opposite.  I was always helping and trying to get him to do things but he basically refused in the last year.

I would mention that we needed to get the bath fixed, driveway fixed and a lot of other things and he would say "WE".  that really hurt because I was always willing to help and work on things even if I didn't know what to do I was always there to work and even be a gopher if he needed me to get things for him.

there were only a few things that my husband did.

He would feed HIS dog almost every night except Tuesdays (when he played cards at the club and Wednesdays when he would be at the club for Karaoke)  I fed the do those nights.  I would even leave early on Wed. nights to feed him.  There were other nights I would feed the dog when my H worked late and stayed out late becasue I didn't want the dog to go hungry.  When my H did come home and it got late and I would remind him to feed the dog it made him mad even though he would fall asleep and not feed him.

My H took the trash out on friday mornings and I did it a lot because he would forget or he would be running late for work.

Also, he would mow the lawn on Thursdays but that stopped because our oldest daughter was doing it so he stayed late at the club.

Our friends seen this and even his family.

One Sunday we were sitting at home doing nothing and I said lets go to your mom's and fix her toilet like she had asked him months ago and he said NO.  I said I will help you or you can go by yourself and spend time with your mom and again he said NO.  He just didn't want to do it.

Good friends of our said that he just didn't want any responsibility and that is one of the reasons he left.  He didn't want to do anything.

well to this day his family has not called him out on it because they are afraid of making him mad.  If they only knew what all he said when they would call him or aske him about something.

this really hurts because this is so unlike him but he could fix ow brakes on her car before he walked out and mine needed fixed for over 6 months and he said he would get mine he next week and he walked out.

this is why I wonder if the MLC made him act this way. 

He is with ow and has no responsibility except to go to work and have fun.  Is this MLC issues?  Don't Know.

So I have been doing everything I can by myself or with the help of my girls and what I can't do i pay someone when I have the extra money which is not very often because it took both our incomes to make ends meet.

He basically stopped doing everything except what made him happy and I guess she makes him happy or he thinks she does at this point which he had told me right now she does.  He unhappiness is within himself and he thinks it is our marriage.  I wonder what will happen when he realizes no matter what he does or who he is with that it is not making him happy.  i hope it hits him so hard that it knocks him off his feet and he is wondering why he has done all of this.

hamp

[OliveOyl]

I just thought of this one.  Throughout our marriage, I was not bossy, didn't tell my H what to do, let him make his own decisions and supported them.  Since he left I told him when to get his stuff out, what he needed to do when making plans with Ss (just told him he needed to let me know when they had plans).  I told him when bills were due so he could pay his half, told him to stop getting his mail here, take his name of joint accounts, and a few other things.  Now he thinks I've been bossy our whole marriage.  Crazy, what happens in their minds, like I should have left our finances as they were!  He doesn't see any of this as making him take responsibility or protecting myself financially.  I will say that I don't know if I would be so open and free with finances as I was before.

[Glimmer]

Hi Olive Oyl

Been doing some more thinking on this one.

I was always quite outspoken in relation to my Hs 'faults'. To be honest he didn't have many, and we did have a very good marriage contrary to what he has thought over the last 14months.  Depending on my mood at the time, I would pick up on something he said or did and twist it out of all proportion.  Now I bite my tongue before saying anything to anyone that may upset them as I realise it wasn't  a very nice characteristic to have. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt more without thinking the worst.

One more thing, I have now got a job of sorts, not ideal but it is a job.  My H was always the breadwinner. He worked 2 jobs (still does) and also studied part time for a degree. I stayed at home and looked after the girls so he could achieve his goals, he has always been ambitious.  When MLC started he said he resented me for 'sponging' off him for so many years. He never expressed these thoughts previously to MLC as he was happy knowing the home and the kids were looked after, so in that respect he had no worries.

So I guess I have changed more than I originally thought.

[Rebel Yell]

Happy Turkey Day everyone (even if you don't celebrate it!)
I'm a man so my roles have changed a little too. Thing is, I've always been there for my kids so
that hasn't changed. I have had to clean more, do dishes more, laundry more......
My wife was a stay at home mom.
I've had to learn quick books and how to ship parts. I now take care of all the account and bills.
That's about it!!
I did / do a lot around here and I did /do it while working full time and I have a part time job (my own business)
that takes up a lot of time. Our house stays in the middle of remolding too.
WE chose to buy a house that needed a LOT of work but I found out that working
on it must have been a spectator sport because I got NO help in the repairs. Only
grief from making a mess.
My wife would complain about no money so I worked harder at growing the business.
When she left she said I didn't spend enough time with her.......duh!

[Patience]

Interesting question.  I don't know that I'm the opposite of what I was.  I do know I am different in many ways.  Truthfully I think that what was always there is coming out.  I was afraid before to be the person I felt inside.  I now let my guard down more and am not afraid to express my vulnerability.  I am kinder to all people generally.  I give strangers compliments.  I let myself feel the understanding of others that I did not always do before.  Basically I let the gentle soul that was always there come through with fewer defenses.  I also willingly express my belief and faith in God--something that was very private for me in the past.  I express love and gratitude to others.  I feel joy in small things.

Outwardly the person strangers see may not be much different, but the person those close to me see is different.  I am certainly no angel, but I believe there is an element of God within each of us.  We need to let that out, and to find it in others. 

Perhaps we each begin this journey with outward expressions such as working or taking care of chores, etc.  As we progress we need to turn inward though.  We need to find the good, kind, gentle person inside of us.  We need to let that person come out.  There needs to be "soul changes."  I'm not finished with my soul changes yet--probably never will be. 

[What Next]

WE chose to buy a house that needed a LOT of work but I found out that working
on it must have been a spectator sport because I got NO help in the repairs

Rebel Yell

Happy Thanksgiving from someone who doesn't technically celebrate though the company I work for is American and the canteen is full of flags and bunting today!

I just laughed for the first time today when I read the line above!  We too bought a house three years back that needed a lot of work and I must confess my H would love and agree with your sentiment.  Funny thing is I am now the one completing the house.  Last night I was up til midnight piping polyfilla into cracks and between walls and door frames.  I have no idea what I am doing but its looking better!

Thanks for the pick-me-up!

[justkeepmoving]

Here's a thought.  Just yesterday I had a conversation with my H for the first time in 2 months.  At first I tried to draw something out of him but after a time he did open up a little.  He said the last few years he felt like a servant.  It was hard for me to see this as I always thought that doing things around the house was part of the deal of our M & family.  He too stopped doing things in the last 5 months before he left.  I did tell him I was sorry he felt that way and I was sorry if I made him feel that way but I too felt the same.  Even though I always expressed my appreciation when he would do something or fix something I never got that in return.  I think our problem was we never did express what we each needed before all of this happened.  If and when we ever do get a second chance I will express my needs and be sure to find out what his are. 

[hampc0cv]

/why do you feel it is your fault?  mARRIAge is a two way street and both need to work at it and your h and mine just quit.  I too would always thank him for things but I never to the thank you either,  I was so apredciative of things hid did put I think he expected me to do it all and he could do what he wanted.  We owe them nothing.  They walked out on us because theydidn't want the resonsiility and thought they would have a wonderful life without us.  Well, I don't think they will and all the pain and hurt the have caused, I hope they get it back 10 fold and we get to see it, because I feel that is the only justifcation we will ever get out of this Slap in the face they have caused for no reason. 

I don't know about you but I was there thru thick and thin.  Job losses, sickness (waited on  him had and feet, he neve did that for me) surguries, job problems, personal problems and stood up for him no matter what.  Consoled him when he was down and told him he could do anything.  And what did I get out of it.  A slap in the fact and him rubbing my face in his affair like it is nothing and the look of HA HA I have her and you have no one.

[Shantilly Lace]

Hamp
depression is an evil moster that has no boundaires for hurt. 

You are there too and saying things in the future you may regret. 
You were not perfect, yes he left and hurt you and did things that were "unforgiveable" in your eyes but it is not just his fault.  Depression makes you run.  Depression makes yo do things you would never consider.  Suicide, murder drugs.

DO NOT just blame him step up ad take responsiblilty as well and when he starts to repair himself he will too.

BUT right now he is incapable.