[patience.of.a.saint]

My exH was also an MLCer, but I just didn't know it at the time. He said he wanted a divorce, went to visit a lawyer he picked because the guy had a smiley picture in the phone book, and then never had any money to hire the guy. I picked my lawyer on the recommendation of my dad's business lawyer as being very good at what she does. He had told me the house was mine so I had a quit claim deed to him and notarized before he could think about that any further. He never did anything so I ended up filing. He was served papers and said he should do something, but still never did. So, our divorce went into default and had to wait so many days for him to reply and he never did. It basically only divided our cars and established child support for the kids.  I walked away with everything except his clothes, CD's, the car he drives, and the 401k he cashed out and spent.

So there isn't necessarily drama because of the MLC. Looking back, it was definitely that and not just him walking away. I was willing to walk away though. I don't think I ever really loved the man. It was sad, but I was over it in like a month and never wanted him back. That was in 2005 when he left and he is still in his MLC, although not as bad as 2011 when he decided to file for a change to the child support because he had quit his real job with regular hours and benefits to become a bar manager. Well, after the mediator figured out that we had a default divorce due to his lack of interest, plus him having the kids stay maybe twice a year, plus me carrying the medical insurance on them because he had none...not to mention, he showed up with his hippy new long hair, dyed red, and yammered on about how he just wanted a better way for his family, meaning the new 23yr old wife and kids, yada, yada, yada........she raised it. That was our only major drama. I will say that I know the new wife was the one behind it, as he is not the rock the boat type.

[rover77]

I think everyone wonders if theirs was normal or MLC divorce...I think it can be defined by : unilateral,sudden and without warning..the personality changes and the way they think..their confusion..I know my wife saw a psychologist, an NP that specialized in menopause and then a lawyer....the changes in their lifestyle,appearance,interests etc..often to please someone else (which is lame) or to fit their 'new' self image..their mood swings,sleep disturbance, change in drinking habits , paranoia,outbursts of rage...there were times I thought I had a borderline or MPD on my hands...I swear during some of her tirades I was dealing with 3 different people..she would start as a screaming,shrieking red faced terror (looked like her mother) then she would change to  a little girl hugging herself  and cry and wail like a wounded child..at the end she would sit there ,looking exhausted and old..it was something to see..and I think an important part is a sudden change in the way they treat their children..often they detach,ignore , neglect or reject them

[Dji76]

Good topic T.  I asked my counselor if my situation was "normal" and she said "no, your wife is having a MLC". An observation I have made is that it seems a divorce is filed for quickly or things linger on for a long time without the MLCer filing. maybe this has more to do with how they deal with conflict? An avoided may be more prone to threaten without following through. My W has used it as a threat but not filed. She is an attorney so she knows what needs to be done if she really wants a divorce. I think she is using it in attempt to manipulate me. It worked early on but doesn't really effect me anymore. I wonder if she will stop using it or go ahead and file once she realizes it's no longer a means to control me??

[Adia]

Rover77, I appreciate your view and explanation.
 I have experienced many of the same things also, but sometimes I wonder if the conflict avoider in my h just couldn't man up and tell me he wanted out of our marriage, so he goes and finds a crutch (ow) to help him make the decision to stay or not. Is it possible a conflict avoider would then drag their feet on then finalizing their divorce, too?
 I have read about exit affairs and that gave me questions too.I am sure not every divorce is unilateral even without a spouse being in mlc, someone always wants it more than the other usually. Sadly, we are in a throwaway society that believes if something stops giving you happiness you just dispose of it and get the next model.

[Medusa]

I have experienced many of the same things also, but sometimes I wonder if the conflict avoider in my h just couldn't man up and tell me he wanted out of our marriage, so he goes and finds a crutch (ow) to help him make the decision to stay or not. Is it possible a conflict avoider would then drag their feet on then finalizing their divorce, too?

I see the conflict avoided in mine every time I have contact with him. He has never said unilaterally that he wants a divorce. He's "pretty sure", bit when I talked to him last week and asked if he had finally made up his mind, I got silence (I take it as a yes but he's too much of a coward to just say it).

Never discount the influence of the OP in these situation, Aida. If yours is a conflict avoider like mine, they he won't want to make waves in that relationship, either.

And don't forget the influence of pride. I believe mine wouldn't admit how much he screwed up because he wants the world to believe he's such a fantastic guy. Sad...he isn't. He's exactly what he recently called himself: a buffoon.

[Ready2Transform]

I think what's been described as a "normal" divorce here almost sounds like an "ideal" divorce.  I've never heard of it going as smoothly in practice with anyone where two parties just sit down and decide they're not compatible, or that they mutually want to end it on the same level.

My dad has been non-MLC divorced twice, once as plaintiff, once as defendant, and both when I was an adult.  I learned a LOT about the process from him and on the second one, from his lawyer (my dad has hearing loss, so he took me to almost every meeting so he wouldn't "miss anything").  There's almost always contention on some level.  One person pulls the trigger on the R, the other one feels hurt.  That part is not different from us. 

My dad and stepmom were either fighting or silent treatment for a good year before he actually left - so no, it wasn't a surprise.  My mother was flaunting OMs all the time, so when she actually left for one, also within the course of a year or two of meeting him, it was a sting for my dad, but not a shocker, and there was no big personality split.  Both divorces went horribly and lasted a long time (though I'm giving him a run for his money on the second one now!).  Even he looks at what I'm going through and says he's never seen anything like this before.  My attorney agrees - a big reason why anything has been accomplished at all in my D was because he and Hoss' attorney got their heads together and decided they needed something to happen in a courtroom so they could get paid!  A year in Hoss was still trying to file continuances so he could avoid it.

But I agree with what has been said about the immediacy of the BD and the big personality change that surrounds what we go through in MLC.  They rarely detach from the LBS up to or during the process, which is VERY different, and even for those of us who they seem to vanish to, they rarely want to finish the D (I can think of several of us who will have to take the reigns if we want settlements).  There ARE commonalities, but the MLC divorce has more in common with the MLC marriage than with a normal divorce.  Escape, avoid, identity issues, one person being cray cray and trying to control everything - even attorneys and judges.

[Adia]

Never discount the influence of the OP in these situation, Aida. If yours is a conflict avoider like mine, they he won't want to make waves in that relationship, either.

And don't forget the influence of pride. I believe mine wouldn't admit how much he screwed up because he wants the world to believe he's such a fantastic guy. Sad...he isn't. He's exactly what he recently called himself: a buffoon.

Unfortunately, I cannot discount her influence at all, as she was so kind to sign me up to divorce lawyers websites to contact me about my pending divorce...I know she threaten and manipulated his weak a$$ to file. It's so sad to see what he has allowed himself to become. He admits failure in his choices but it is more of the poor pity me way, than a true remorseful way. I cannot believe my marriage is ending this way but it is.

[Adia]

I think what's been described as a "normal" divorce here almost sounds like an "ideal" divorce.  I've never heard of it going as smoothly in practice with anyone where two parties just sit down and decide they're not compatible, or that they mutually want to end it on the same level."

I agree. I think ideally if a couple were having legitimate problems they would first seek counseling together and exhaust every effort to make the marriage work for each other, if it doesn't then have the divorce discussion.- Adia




But I agree with what has been said about the immediacy of the BD and the big personality change that surrounds what we go through in MLC.  They rarely detach from the LBS up to or during the process, which is VERY different, and even for those of us who they seem to vanish to, they rarely want to finish the D (I can think of several of us who will have to take the reigns if we want settlements).  There ARE commonalities, but the MLC divorce has more in common with the MLC marriage than with a normal divorce.  Escape, avoid, identity issues, one person being cray cray and trying to control everything - even attorneys and judges.

Yes.
I am using my iPad & it does not like the quoting.

[terrified_in_TN]

Usually in the beginning, they just want the hell out! Mine was this way; she was ready to take just her bags, her car, and leave D11 & the house with me! I kick myself daily for not letting her go then. The problem is, we usually aren't ready at that time to let it go; by the time we are ready, the selfishness and entitlement kicks in!

My advice, let them go when you can get the best deal & protection for you & the kids. It's very very tough to do, it's very raw, and you don't fully understand this early on, but it seems the longer you linger, the more they become self aware and entitled!

Just my $0.02!!!!


DO

I am finding out the hard way this is damn true.  In my case I am fighting to get custody of D5.  Since I'm in a no fault state, after talking with several people looks like I damn near have to catch her with a needle in her arm to win.  Looks like all I am going to succeed in doing is shooting myself in the foot by going to court, racking up the attorney fees and she will end up getting half, when she just wanted "out" initially with nothing more than half the equity in the home.

I'm not giving up.  Its ALL about D5 now.  Win or lose, at least I can face myself in the mirror and know I tried to do what I thought was right, even if I go broke trying.

-Terrified

[rover77]

'terrified'...I went thru that...18 months worth...broke me financially but I got a draw..50/50 custody...(probably hosed her master plan)...sometimes you just have to remember..it doesn't matter if you think you can win..but it does matter that you fight for your kids