[Mermaid]

Sure feelings can change down the road.  But it's like those feelings down the road also get rewritten, just like her feelings now have been rewritten.
And that's what I'll never understand.  How can someone just rewrite feelings like that?  And these are not small feelings.  It's feelings of "let me inflict maximum torture and pain" to "I always loved you more than anything".

We rewrite everything, all the time. Perhaps not as dramatically as they do in midlife, however.
Rewriting is a way of making sense of our lives, of protecting our ego, and separating ourselves from what we felt repressed us. It is not necessarily a reflection of any external truth.

My H projected all his pain on me. Projection is a psychological defense mechanism; something in their lives has gone wrong and feels unbearable and the pain is externalised, often onto the closest person. In my H's case, that was me, but also his mother and, to a certain extent, his children (who he felt alienated from as they went through their teen years).

That is why it is vital to let go; we need to protect ourselves (firstly), become complete in ourselves (vitally) and let our spouse work out what their own problems are. If they realise that we are not their problem, they may come back. Please don't wait for this, because that will mean we have not grown. Accepting their return has to be on new terms, both must have grown.

In my case, the tables turned; I had so long admired my H, put him on a pedestal, that I empowered him. Now I realise that he needs me perhaps more than I need him, but our relationship is much more balanced, and we're probably happier now than ever.

[Songanddance]

That is why it is vital to let go; we need to protect ourselves (firstly), become complete in ourselves (vitally) and let our spouse work out what their own problems are. If they realise that we are not their problem, they may come back. Please don't wait for this, because that will mean we have not grown. Accepting their return has to be on new terms, both must have grown.

THIS AND THIS!

In my case, the tables turned; I had so long admired my H, put him on a pedestal, that I empowered him. Now I realise that he needs me perhaps more than I need him, but our relationship is much more balanced, and we're probably happier now than ever.

[mcm64d]

S and D I couldn't agree more.

Been a lot of talk on here recently about statistics of those who return and who don't return and whether its correct to believe in reconciliation or not and all the while none of it matters. There is no right answer and everyone has different circumstances although the overriding premise is the same.

The future is always uncertain no matter what.... why worry oneself over it? Cannot control it. Whatever one worries about may never come true.....

JUst try to be the best person you can be and whatever happens, happens.

Please do not misunderstand. Divorce sucks. I miss my wife everyday. I think about her everyday. But cannot control anything else and I try to make things positive.

[Baxter1]

As a stander I want to thank you all for your input. We’re almost at 15 months and she’s still at home. I’m taking every ones advice and living my life. If and when she comes out of this I’m hoping to be Baxter 2.0. Until then I am grateful that I have this forum to vent and get great information, and hope, thank you!

[mcm64d]

I admire the courage and strength you are showing Baxter. Baxter 2.0 will be unbelievable!!

[Happylight]

It’s been 15 years since BD.
We had a rocky few years with his EA and need for space… but he can hardly remember that now and has rewritten his story. He says he has always loved me and always will. He says sweet things to me every day, and we go to sleep holding hands. We sometimes have arguments, sometimes I think he’s impossible (and so am I), and we bicker a lot about nothing important.
Most of the time I don’t think about his MIL at all, but sometimes something will remind me, and I remember how unfair it is. But when I start to go down that rabbit hole, I remember that he was not himself then. He’d changed, radically, and everyone could see that he was lost, burned out, and confused. It helps me to remember that.
My youngest daughter was 13 at BD, and was aware of a lot of what was going on. She’s now an adult, a psychologist and one of my best friends. We spoke about it the other day, although she thinks it should now be buried, and she said it was so obvious that he was lost and his behaviour was strange. He was strange with everyone; his friends , children, mother but mostly me. It does help to remember this in order to bury it again.
He’s 66 now, still exhausted but not burnt out. He’ll be retiring soon and we’re looking forward to spending our old age together.

But as cosy as that is, my biggest takeaway was that we need to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with anyone else. That’s still true today.

Have courage, MLCers, whichever way your story goes, and be happy with yourself.

Thank you for sharing that!  I wish that this period was somewhat more recognized as a mental health phenomenon.  I literally thought that a MLC was the stereotype of haircut, clothes, car to try and recapture youth.  It is so so much deeper.  We have not reconciled, or even completed crisis, but he has already turned from he's not in love with me anymore, to he loves me very much (he doesn't say it all the time currently), and a few times, has told me that I am always on his mind. 

I am trying to hold on to hope, but move forward as well.  It is a hard line to walk.