[MIMIx]

I didn't mean to sound profound or anything, just my own deep thoughts. I'm so glad others agree with me.

I knew Acceptance when it began to happen.  I recognized it when things that others did just didn't affect me any longer.  I gues Ive dropped the rope...so to speak.  It feels more like RELIEF than anything else.  I trust that others will find their own way, and I trust that I will as well.

I think it's very easy for women (and perhaps some men too) to lose their identity.  I think it comes with the nurturing, caregiver role that we play.  There needs to be a fine balance with this.   I guess I needed someone to push me to realize this.  It is certainly a better use of my time when I simply focus on my own life, just as it is.  JUST AS IT IS. 

One step at a time.  One foot in front of the other in our pursuit of the true meaning in of our life.  It's a deeply personal walk towards wholeness.  I want to be that person who just loves life exactly as it was meant to be.

[Lovely1]

I'm with you Mimix

Hugs

[rubyhearted]

I think we long for companionship because it's all we know.  We only thin that we need someone to help us limp through life and this is not true.  We have learned this behaviour because it's how our world worked for so long.  I have several friends who have remained single their entire life.  They do not feel lonely.  In fact, they are far more happy than my married friends.  Why?  They do not expect others to take care of them.  They take full responsibility for their own happiness. 

I don't really think that accepting is that we are here all by ourselves.  We are here with others and they make our life complete.  Accepting is taking responsibility for our own path, our own emotions, our own health and happiness.  When we accept responsibility for our own happiness, others notice and want to be near.  No one likes to be with Eeyore! Hehe

The point is, you have to believe in yourself.  You have WORTH.  Show people that you have this!

I agree with everything that you have said MiMix. With one adjustment. We long for companionship. It is more than having friends. It is an intimacy of day to day life. I do believe that we were created as not just social creatures, like cats and dogs, but designed to have a level of intimacy and familiarity that you do not really get with friends. Granted, I do not have a lot of good friends where I am and have no family.

I never wanted to fix him. I knew that I could not. I accepted that long ago. I accepted this as his path as well as my path long ago. What I am struggling with is someone who really knows me and someone that I know. Even in MLC he was predictable. Even when he was lying to me I knew that he would lie and could accept that as his "new normal." That does not mean that I liked it, only that fighting it was a waste of time and energy. I knew he would have to do this on his own.

I do not feel lonely because I do not have friends. I have many that I talk to on a day to day basis. I do not spend as much time with them as I might like because they have families and partners. I have my two boys and even they have school and friends. I miss that level of companionship. The adult, partnership and love that goes into an intimate relationship. If you go to church, people say God is all that you need. Still a different type of  relationship. Not a physical presence.

Perhaps I am struggling more with this because I work from home and do not see the same people in an office everyday. I don't know. What I do know is that we were not created with the range of emotion that we have as humans to spend our lives surrounded by casual relationships. We were created for more. That does not mean dependence. That does not mean that we have to give ourselves up. Far from it. We were created for that journey as much as we were created for the journey that we spend single.

[Holdingpattern]

Im new in this forum , and Im here because I believe Im in the last stage of my situation: acceptance. Picking the pieces is hard as hell. I have moments that I feel stronger and moments that I feel like Im in total deep coma. Sitting in the couch literally staring in the empty space.

Many people share their stories of how friends have been their anchors. Unfortunately for me, it has been a complete opposite. Friends can easily judge just because they feel "they know you". But they don't know how wonderful and great my relationship was. The only ones who can truly understand you, are the ones who are walking in your same shoes. Others can easily judge, like I have been " oh, can't u just get it? he doesn't want to be with you anymore", or giving me the "look" like Im a poor imbecile who doesn't want to accept the reality that he is gone. My so called "best friend" commented " what the @#$ are you still doing wanting him so bad? why don't you kick  him to the curb and move on after the way he treated you? don't you have any respect for yourself?" . Now, this very same person who made this statement, days later contacting my MDLer to wish him happy birthday, and asking how everything is going with him . Not realizing that he is talking to a different EGO than the person he once knew. I felt backstabbed and as he was playing for two different teams. I literally terminated my friendship with this person and asked him to officially to stay out of my relationship and not to have any further contact with him. They never did in the past , even while we were together, so why now???. Furthermore , i have asked him for space as I need to reflect, think, cry, wallow in my misery, but I'm an introvert and I don't feel any better just to be with other people , or better , around other "bodies" . Im still in the "reflective" mode. I asked so many times for space but he ( my friend)  lost patience with me because he said it was enough time that he "allowed me". From other people, I get the "look". Like i said above. The rolling of the eye and looking at me with such pity: " oh poor thing, she is not just "accepting it" that he is gone and is over". (which is not as we know if you are Stander like me). I absolutely hate and despise statements like "let him go", "let go", and the final phrase : "move on". If u don't want to see a beast coming out of me, don't u dare telling me those statements. When u love your souse and u know whats happening , u understand how those statements can irritate you and make you spit venom. How dare you telling me how Im supposed to feel inside! So, I have zero and completely luck of understanding. Zero compassion. People are tired of my "being introverted" .

Im so glad for you guys that u can rely on friends. In my case I came to the conclusion that at times it is better to detach completely from people who have become toxic in my life, trespassing the boundaries of a situation which is very delicate for all of us in our situation. So, my mom is my mom. My best friend, the only one who listens to me and actually prepares me mentally how to approach "it" the reunion when the time will come (AND IT WILL).

Im perfectly happy to be alone. Im choosing to be alone. I made the conclusion that in new friendships I will form in my future, i don't have to tell everything about my life and it is ok to have "my secrets" between myself and my heart. People at work are constantly in my face. They can detect that something is off about me and they keep asking me about my private life. Keep asking personal questions that i cannot even answer myself. I know my story is not over but i have to get  through this bumpy ride to Hell. But how do you answer , kindly to someone who keep asking about your business at work? it is not over, but yet we are indeed in an holding pattern. What do you say? I m a very private person and feel extremely uncomfortable sharing my details of relationship at work . I usually like to keep the two separate, in good times and in the bad times.

However, in this acceptance period, Im better off to be alone with myself. His midlife crisis and forced me to look at myself and pick myself up again (still a working progress) , piece by piece and maturing in its own time without rushing it. I don't feel I need to answer to anyone about why i feel in a certain way. His own journey, has forced me to reassess my own journey too. Acceptance for me, is about keeping calm, cool and collected. Continuing doing the things that i still enjoy like hiking and working out and loving my pets. Im perfectly "happy" in my little world of acceptance . I pray a lot and in my own spirituality I see signs from the Universe that are unmistakable "answers" of courage and strength and the things I ASK.  .

We don't need to force our MDLer to come back to us and they will do it in their "due" season. Same with us , or at least with me. Allow me to also find myself and i will bloom again in my DUE season. Why is it so hard for people to just let me be for now without getting pissy or nasty

[BlueBittz]

Hi Holdingpattern,  thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings during this very difficult time...I dont feel alone in this. Everything you said is on point on how i feel and also the little support from those who i felt were genuine. Please feel free to im me when you wanna just talk about stuff and vent. Im in the same situation and agree with you totally....one can not just move on and stop loving ones spouse. Its a very hard thing to do and it will take time and super woman strength. Hugzz👯

[Holdingpattern]

Thank you BlueBlitz, I did send you a private message. But I simply wanted to acknowledge you in this forum and so thankful to have some sort of support in this. One of the previous post I read in this thread as well is another beautiful one , that she put it exactly how i feel. Yes, God is indeed your companion...but it is not a physical presence. It is not the every day life of sharing life with someone. I dont need just a body hunging around me who actually becomes for me more of a burden. I miss the intimacy, the hugging, those unspoken things said between us without having to say a word, finishing each others sentences, coming back from work after a few days away ( i travel for living) and find him home preparing dinner for me and vice versa. Thats the life i  miss. I don't need friends, don't need people to truly burden me and pressuring me to let it go and the rest of the blah blah blah that they don't get it. No matter how much you try to explain the Monster your spouse/boyfriend/Significant-other has become, they don't get it. THEY JUST DONT GET IT BECAUSE THEY HAVENT SEEN IT OR LIVED THROUGH IT. They don't know what is like that u had a life together and the next day, everything changes at the blink of an eye. Friends had told me..."oh i know, i understand"". No YOU DONT. I learned that this situation is something NOT to be shared with anyone anymore, not even the people that u think u trust. I regret it so much that i my moments of weakness and despair, I have opened up to people that I shouldn't have. Again, chosen loneliness doesn't mean that i will always be like this. I just need time as well to come to a full circle as well on my own time. However, Im deeply relived that I had the courage to "fire" people who turned to be so toxic in my life. I haven't realized any of this, until I came to my acceptance phase. I chose to end some friendship in a very calm state of mind, sure of my conviction, without venom or anger. Again, because i have accepted my situation and I don't want to feel like Im a victim in the eyes of other people. But yes, we are victims of Monsters right now. But I don't want to live like this...as i want to be a "victor" not a "victim". We got cought in a very unfair whirlwind of emotions and destruction , but people at my phase of acceptance have already learned a great deal about this condition. I don't want to be miserable, or hold grudges or being resentful. In my mind Im already preparing my work for his return. Yes, i do believe it. Never forget the "law of attraction". Just like you are what you eat, u steer your life in the direction of your thoughts. So Im very careful with what I convey to the Universe . As you can see, this is also a personal journey for me as well. Once the  paths will reunite, I have a strong sense in my gutt that we will be better and stronger than before.

I actually feel so sorry for him. Im understanding so much that this is a psychological condition that he is bringing behind every since childhood and eventually it had to come out. So I pray for him and I find comfort in beginning my "forgiving" process in my mind and heart. So, please don't feel pressured by other people. Go at the speed that only your heart is guiding you . This time, is now all about you for real. Feel sorry for him and don't bottle up anger inside. I finally got over that part. Altough Im still fearful of my future as many things can happen in the way , I know that i cannot fight this battle which is too big for me.  Please just be good to yourself and absolutely get rid of toxic people around you who only bring you down.

[Thunder]

Very well said, Holding!

I agree when someone says "just move on" or some other ridiculous statement I want to vomit too.
I really don't talk about this to anyone anymore.  Just the lovely people on this site.   

[Holdingpattern]

THANK YOU THUNDER, YOUR WORDS ARE SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL. XXXXXX

[OldPilot]

RCR's advice about this subject is that you need to keep "moving forward", not "move on".

That took some real thinking about how to keep moving.
Standing is NOT STILL.

[Holdingpattern]

Thank you Old Pilot, your words couldn't have expressed IT any better!! AMEN TO THAT.