[june]

Second holiday alone. I fell apart yesterday and cried to a friend. The triggered meeting everyone at a Christmas event alone. I felt so "other" because no one wanted to drive a mile of their way to get me. Everyone was so busy or tired...I wish...

Today I have been applying for a couple dream jobs (I know nuts on Christmas eve). This is me trying to be independent financially. I also completely decorated the house, even though I am the only person to enjoy it. Well, not completely true. I also decked out the yard with flashing lights and noticed my neighbor opened her blinds all week for the first time.

I tried for the second holiday to find a volunteer opportunity. MAN ALIVE these opportunities are always FULL! You have to volunteer so far in advance....Oh, well.  I am making cookies with a friend of mine in a couple hours to share with friends. I also decided to write one thank you letter to a friend each day for a month. The more positive vibes that you put out the more positive you feel internally. This has really helped remove some of my feelings of isolation. I am anxious about tomorrow, since I didn't get an invite anywhere and alone was terrible over Thanksgiving...still thinking about things to do...

[Neo]

june,

It sounds like you have done some great things today. Applying for jobs, which means you are thinking positively about the future and being able to stand firmly on your own two feet. That is excellent!! A good way to start off the new year.

Decorating your house with Christmas lights another excellent idea. Keeps you busy and allows you to enjoy the holiday season. This shows that you still believe in the Christmas spirit and all it stands for.

Attempting a volunteer opportunity, baking cookies and writing Thank you letters. You have been a busy bee. All of these things are great for you to feel involved and in the Christmas mood. You are doing wonderful!

Wishing you all the best!
Neo

[StayPositive]

Thank you for this thread.  I was feeling like I was the only one who is alone. 

It is hard.  I am a foreigner.  My own family is across the ocean.  I have not kids.  My husband's family became my own family.  This is my first Christmas without "family."  I sent my MIL (my FIL died last year) card.  She sent me flowers today.   

Actually, I am not upset about my H.  I am upset that he took away my family.  I was not the one who broke the promise, but he has family and friends (his friends and their spouses), and I am alone.

I will go to my friend's house later tomorrow.  I am thankful to have such a good friend.   

[in it]

 I was hoping someone would think about or include me too..I wanted to spend some time with some friends last year.

 But I didn't get invited either. I think I was on here mostly tryng to heal up from the mess my life was then.

But I remember that's how I got through it was to think passed it and not focus on what used to happen or what I used to do.

No present wrapping, shopping, cooking, decorating,  getting the Christmas Tree, dragging it up the stairs, putting it up, making sure everyone elses needs were met..it felt very empty not doing that.

But as time passes I'm quite enjoying NOT doing it now.

[hawk]

l was dreading the thought of Christmas day alone. last year l had my daughter and ex over Christmas Eve and my d stayed the night and we had Christmas morning together to. Then ex picked her up at 11 and they went down to her parents 2hrs away.
l was alone the rest of Christmas day and the next 2 days.
Christmas day arvo , l forced myself to drive up to a beach 30mins away and l swam and sat there all day watching families and couples having their Christmas day and trying not to miss my d. That was my second Christmas in this without our little family and her and alone.
In our first Christmas separated , l basically locked all the doors and just cried the rest of the day after my d left with ex.
l have no friends here , my family are 4hrs away , l was too depressed to hack driving down and facing them. Who wants to drive 4hrs on a Christmas day and upset anyway  ?

This year , l was dreading it after d left, dreading it . Alone again and without my girl , on Christmas day, that is just insane .
But my ex was going down to her patents and we asked d this yr what she would rather do and last min she wanted to stay home with me at my place.  lt made my freaking year , it really did .
D told me later she was so sick of being dragged down to the in laws place 2hrs on a Christmas day and having to sit around all their bs for 2 days , away from me and pf course away from all her new pressies but hey , she is only 13 
l was so proud of her .  We did have the option to drive down to see my family , 4hrs away , but again , who wants to drive all that on a Christmas day and we decided we're not doing it.

So for the first time since my ex destroyed our family , l have my d with me right through Christmas and l couldn't care less about anything else it's just made my year.
And , ex is going on a 2wk cruise and the in laws asked her , behind my back , if my d could stay with them for the 2wks.
But thankfully ex told me and so we asked my d first of all and she just said no way ,l wanna stay with dad. And again, l was so so proud of her.
The in laws have been trying to get their hooks into her since ex and l split but my d is getting too older and wiser to fall for their bs and sees straight through it.

Ex did come over for a barbie with d , Christmas Eve  , ex was weird this year , very weird. But she wasn't too worried about d staying over right through this year , it was our turn anyway. But the fact that d actually chose to stay over with me , just meant so much to me .
l could have had her more on the first two but then she would be without her mum on a Christmas day and l didn't want that so either way you can't win.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I'm 56 years old and this year for the first time in my life I will wake up by myself in an empty house. Maybe this is supposed to be one of those growth experiences the LBS is supposed to go through. But I guess it's not that big a deal because I've been waking almost every morning for the last six months by myself in an empty house. Or God could answer my prayer and maybe I won't wake up in the morning and this nightmare called MLC will be done.

One thing that will be different is that I won't be debating whether I should just take another Xanax and go back to sleep. I've been invited to my D31's house first thing in the morning to watch the grandkids open their presents. Then I have to come back home and finish decorating the house because D34 and family will be coming to stay the night Friday night for the first time in six months and everyone, including W will be here for Christmas celebration.

I have a feeling something is going to change after the holidays. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle and I think I've about reached my saturation point.

Merry Christmas all.

[Darth Obo]

Today, I cleaned house, did Christmas dinner shopping and wrapped presents for D11 a d S21; S21 is back from deployment and home until Jan 5th.

Being a single guy now, I have had to expand my culinary skills; I made a Cheeseball for tomorrow, a dish my aunt always made and I truly enjoyed in my youth! Dont know if D11 will like it (she's picky) but guarantee S21 will devour it! 

Tomorrow, around noon, I will pick them both up and bring them to my place and cook a ham and all the traditional sides for Christmas dinner with the kids. Expect to have S21's girlfriend over as well and maybe a couple of his friends. Ill have D11 until Jan 4th! Plan to take her skating, movies and whatever else tickles our fancy! I cant skate with her unfortunately; I dislocated my shoulder last time I skated (Thanksgiving) and waiting to get my labrum repaired. But she will have new skates and gear to break in for derby sign up in January! Once I m healed and can get back on skates, plan on volunteering and probably be a referee!

For now, just enjoying a quiet Christmas Eve watching A Christmas Story, as I do every year, drinking some coffee and enjoying a well deserved couple of weeks off work!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!


DO

[june]

OK epic fail.

1) Friend who invited me to a gift exchange party uninvited me because I have a service dog and the host decided it would be too crowded with me....don't get me started....I had already confirmed weeks ago, bought a gift, and made a dish for the dinner...

2) Friend who planned to make cookies with me bailed....she was making last minute presents and it took all day and then she decided to do dinner and go to a candle light service with just her husband (I did ask and make her aware that I was bailed on already)...

Half hour into party, I get an email saying sorry come over to the party.... After dinner, the cookiemaker sent an email saying come to church service with us....Neither was a phone call, so it really felt like a non-invite. I had already crashed emotionally and could not respond. My eyes were so red and swollen from crying. Now I was aware that my being stressed everyone out on Christmas Eve....my husband also sent me an email saying he was not not enjoying Christmas because he was profoundly sad that I wanted him home....Lord....I was feeling so joyous and full of cheer...now I am the burden on everyone's mind...yuck. I had to shake it off.

I was up all night. I tried to watch TV to no avail. I called a suicide hotline just to check in with another human. The guy who answered was better then the people I have talked to before on this line - 1 (800) 273-8255. Told him that I felt bad calling because I knew this is a hard day for a lot of people and I was not thinking about suicide. He told me to call back as many times as I wanted. Just making touch once with another human was vital.

At 2am, the party-uninviter knocked on my door, a little drunk and super apologetic. Everything he said made it worse (loads of people, they were protecting me, etc). I felt even more like an outsider. A lot of it was drunken guilt, but unlike my husband, he truly did care that I was not OK. He invited me to come over, if I felt terrible on Christmas day, fine....I thanked him, hugged him, and sent him on. That idea of being thought of as a tragic character crashing someone else's family Christmas...REALLY not how I want to be viewed...the real me was not welcomed.

6am the neighbors new puppies were let outside to pee and pups proceeded to cry for an hour because they have separation anxiety. Sometimes, this can be the worst thing...right then, I was just happy to realized that they were having a rough morning. Scrooge or Grinch much?

Cookiemaker now wants to make cookies on Christmas Day....so jaded....and I know that my lack of sleep is not going to make anything easy today. No time was set, so I have zero expectation now. I was the initiator in the first place, so it's hard to think she really wanted to do this now.

Such an epic fail....me waiting with excitement and feeling loved followed by so much pain due to flakes....my friends are partially flaky, in general. I recognized now that I have been hurt by this often, and I would tell my husband that I was hurt and we would just plan something else. These friends truly have selfish tunnel vision when busy with holiday stuff...I would NEVER have done this to someone in my situation, so I can't help but take stock in this experience.  I recognize that I am super fragile right now...but I was stuffing hurt for a long time and a dependable husband buffered me....I have a lot to learn about making friends who share or respect my need for Germanic reliability, or something closer to it.

[toomanytearss]

I was bomb dropped on Valentine's day this year.  That was rough cause it was ironically the day we got engaged.  Then there was Easter. The kids and I tried to do it up like always.  Epic fail, we all just cried through it.  Then our sonswedding and birthday, our oldest daughters birthday, my birthday, his birthday and now just had d16 birthday and now Christmas.

Everyone of these has been hard.  I'm not going to lie, I hated everyone of these.  I just wanted to disappear.  Today is hard but we decided not to celebrate it.  I'm glad.  We have no decorations up and wrapped nothing.  I only got d16 some gifts but we aren't calling them presents. 

I think I've learned to only push myself so far.  It's ok if I can't do a holiday right now.  It won't be like this forever.  The firsts are the hardest.  It feels so lonely and it's so painful.  Even the change in seasons sets me back.  I've consideredthis year as grieving over the loss of holidays as they were.  I'm letting myself have that grief and as time passes II'll rebuild the holidays how I want to. 

It will get better.  For now, I'm just getting through.

[Split open and melt]

Had my girls this year for Christmas morning. We had a great morning, it was hard not to shower them with a ton of gifts, so I did it anyway. They have been in need of some new things to play with at my house.

Just dropped them off with XW. She was pleasant. Invited me to stay, but I went with my gut...which was turning over and told her I have plans. I just couldn't sit there and watch them have Christmas with their Mom in my old home. I wish I could, but it's still too painful for me.

She has them till Sunday. Missing them already.