[MIMIx]

Here is what I have learned about Leading the Way.

 You, as the LBS, must be a pillar of strength for your spouse as they struggle to add meaning and purpose to their life.  Your ability to live your life in a way that is attractive to your struggling spouse will be their anchor to reality. 

So, stay calm and patient.  Let them work out their issues without your interference.  Be an example.  It takes a long time for a person to find their way.  They will make wrong turns, meet deadends, as they try to find their way.  Leave them to it and don't complicate their journey.

Take a look at your own life and make adjustments.  Add your own meaning and purpose to your life.  Explore those things that you always wanted to, add new hobbies, learn new things.  Show your spouse how living authentically with meaning and purpose brings great happiness.  Be an example.

Touch your deep and inner self.   Be kind to yourself and to others.  Be grateful for all the good that you have in your life.  Look around and see the beauty your life has to offer. Nourish your soul.

Expand your horizons.  Keep on going in a positive direction!  One foot in front of the other.    If there are things you don't like about yourself, fix them.  Try new things, meet new people, grow your life in a positive way.

Let your spouse see what it takes to be a truly happy person. Be a beacon.  YOU will have found a lifestyle that is comfortable for you.  You will be living your life authentically  which will bring you great satisfaction.  If your WS does not want the same thing, then why should you want them?

This is what I understand about Leading the Way.

[Searching4Answers]

Very well said MIMIx

[mamaman]

Hi Mimi, attaching. There's some really great dialogue going on here! Thank you for sharing!

[Thunder]

BINGO, MIMix!  You understand it perfectly.   

[MIMIx]

Be consistent.  Gotta be consistent.  Move to your own groove.  Be authentic, be joyful, get on with living. 

I have been doing all of these things and it is truly what we all need to do.  Somehow, you have to get beyond the crazy feelings of betrayal and hurt.  How is it that one person could cause a person so much hurt and damage to their Self?  Well, I am trying very hard to get beyond it.  I truly am. 

So, I am making some short term plans for my life.  It's difficult because it is the middle of winter and life feels a bit restricted by the short days.  But it's a great time yo make plans for springtime.

I am planning a photography vacation somewhere lovely.  A friend is coming by on the weekend and we will talk about this one.  It makes me feel excited after having so much burden in my life as of late.  Nothing like a two week getaway to somewhere picturesque.

I am also making plans for my summer place.  I cannot wait to return to it.  It's a lovely, quiet spot...just me and the birds and the water.

Life has to go on.  I am more content now with being alone and it's not sad anymore.  It's quite nice to be alone at times...especially at the lake.

[OldPilot]

OldPilot,

I have been reading your thread and am very interested in your comments.

You often mention that the LBS needs to 'lead the way'.  Would you be able to clarify this term for me? 

Best,Mimi

Sorry I did not see this post.

To try to answer your question.
The journeys of the LBS and MLC'er are somehow linked together.
Everything I have read suggests this but I cant tell you scientifically how it would be possible.
We can do nothing to speed up their journeys but we can slow them down.
So if we get stuck, so do they.
Detachment, and moving forward are key.
Getting to a place where their is no anger,
and their is  foregiveness.

So we lead the way sometimes by getting out of the way.

We are the stanchions and pillars.

I hope that helps.

I think you have also gotten good responses on this thread.

[MIMIx]

The fact that the journeys are somehow linked is interesting and requires further pondering. I have not heard about this.   Perhaps they are incapable of finding their own meaning and purpose in life and look to their spouse for guidance, to help show them the way? 



It's an interesting thought.

[Hmmm]

No, from what I've learnt from 'the middle passage', it is about each partner learning who they are separately. We must start to enjoy our solitude and grow in our second adulthood just like our MLCer.

We are learning the same things as them but hopefully without the running and destruction.

So they might be parallel paths but they could come together again once we have vecome who we are truly meant to be. We must not help them-they have to develop on their own like a teenager does.

It's taken me over a year to get to this point despite everyone's advice and reading the articles-just like them, we need to do it ourselves (but it's so much easier when we have HS knowledge and support)
Xxx

[superdog]

Its actually fascinating how nature has designed us. In this part of our lives setting us up to cope alone and be an individual and feed our own needs.

Probably to deal with death of  our partners who fathered our kids and provided. In years gone by death in the 40's/50's would have been fairly common place.

So is it right that someone should even consider interfering in that or guiding someone towards YOUR way, not theirs. You job is only to be ready to cope alone and take care of the young. If someone chooses to use some of your ideas in that great, but if they don't then you never had that role anyway.

Lead the way as a human being not as a wife, thats undue pressure you place on yourself. I believe that the mlcer will fight your influence and way of life all the way as in their eyes you haven't done them any good this far. They are still broken after you failed them remember.

Forget this and enjoy your own life, you only got one.

Sd
X

[limitless]

Superdog,

Well said!

L