[MIMIx]

Forum friends,

Thank you for the great discussion.  My understanding of all of this has been expanded enormously.

Here is another topic that has been on my mind.  At what point do you think your WS could use some reality truths? 

I don't think my H is ready to hear any truths at this point.  He is still walking around in a fog. I don't think I have to point out how destructive he has been, he knows it.   I'm not  sure that making his life more miserable with truths he doesn't want to hear at this time, is the thing to do.  I would rather just stay removed and focused on myself and let him figure things out by trial and error. 

[OldPilot]

Here is another topic that has been on my mind.  At what point do you think your WS could use some reality truths? 

When the crisis is OVER and their ACTIONS match their words.

[MIMIx]

Pretty much what I thought, OP.  Though it's tricky to know when the crisis is over.  I guess I have yet to experience this. 

I think that leaving him up to it, not ruffling his feathers, letting him find his way  will be the best thing for now.   I'm pretty sure that I will know the right time...and it is not now.  the right time, in my mind,  will be if/when he becomes a pursuer. 

[MIMIx]

Wow!  A lovely Thursday afternoon surprise!  I came home from work  to a perfectly cleared driveway and sidewalk.  A little surprise by H.

I am not really reading anything into this.  But it is just a nice, unexpected surprise that brightened my day.

Thank you, H!

[MIMIx]

Looking for thoughts on my present, weird situation...

My H is wallowing.  He needs sympathy.  He hates his new life.  Everyone, everything is against him.  He has nothing to his name.  I have everything.  The folks he is living with are driving him crazy.  They will not listen to his advice, no one will.  He doesn't like the decisions that his friends make.  He thinks they are crazy.  The kids do not keep in touch.  The whole world is beating up on him.

A stack of his clothing reappeared in our closet.

He still gives me the impression that he is out of our life.  He talks about my future as being separate from his.  He acts like a guest in our house.

I just keep going...one foot in front of the other.  Focus on me.  Focus on gaining strength and stepping away from his sorrow.  I do not feel sorry for him.  These are his decisions.

Is anyone going through the same crazy making stuff?  Wow, what a pain this is.

[Dji76]

Let him wallow  until it's bad enough that he decides to do something abku his problems. Sounds like you are doing great by focusing on yourself. Keep up the good work.

[MIMIx]

WOW, THIS STUFF SUCKS!!!!

Now I realize how important it is to focus on your own happiness.  Mlc sucks the joy right out of you.

just when I am getting myself to a good place, feeling that life is good once again, WHAM...he,s back messing with my head and my feelings.

As I said in a previous post, I came home to a nicely cleaned driveway and walk.  A surprise by h.  He has also done some carpentry work here, spent some time, had some food and relaxation.   Then WHAM...he wants to talk about dividing up money.  I do understand why he wants this. He is living with a sibling and, being a fussy sort, they don't do things to his liking. ( Funny thing...he complained to me how structured they are...yet, he is the most structured person I know.  )  Anyhoo, this is driving him to want to purchase his own place so he can have freedom to do what he wants.  Never mind that our house is quiet, he has his widescreen TV, he can do whatever he wants.  NO, this would be too perfect.

I've got to get off this rollercoaster ride.  I've done lots of detachment work, but when he comes and goes from my life, it is hard to stay sane.

I feel for all of you.  This is a very hard process.  I don't think I can protect our finances much longer.  He doesn't spend foolishly anymore, but we may have to  be the owners of another house.  Like we need this. 

Someday I hope he regrets his poor decisions. 

Just getting this all out of my head and hoping for a good day today.

[MIMIx]

[/quote]

As far as what can and should be done on our end, I agree with the general consensus of living as if they won't be back, continue focussing on self and family, continue to protect finances, being kind and without expectation, and work on building a life you truly enjoy.  Be yourself and not someone you think might attract husband back. Your authentic self will be attractive to someone who shares your values. Your joyful authentic self is the best lighthouse in the fog.
[/quote]

It all comes back to this.  Live your life as if they won't be back.

 I feel a bit stuck right now...probably because it is winter.  But I know I can do this. 

On another note...Does anyone else have this problem of typing the word 'but' and autocorrect decides to be funny and writes 'butt'?  Darn autocorrect.  You have to be on it all the time.

[Dji76]

Living like they aren't coming back Is the easy part for me. Not looking over my shoulder to see where she is at... That's the hard part imo

[Blackhen]

Great thread. Great discussion.

Hooking up.