[Lanzo]

Dunno how it works for you guys but I’ve not been with anyone other that xW in the last 20 years. I don’t think I’m ready for anything too deep but I am ready to say go out with a lady to a movie, or a drink or something low key like that.

Anyway a couple of things happened on a group night out that we had for the gang I hang with at the gym. One of the ladies recently divorce in the same time frame as me, I asked her out on a date, other members of the gang saw us talking together and were gently teasing us. she didn’t say no but said we could talk more when less people are around. The ironic thing was she spent the rest of the evening with one of the other guys, the rest of the gang are not sure if they got a thing going on or if she just leans on him for emotional support. As she said to me her life is a bit complicated at the moment.

The other that happened on the night was one of the guys was being a total ass, he actually offended all of the ladies with his antics but that is a story for our little social group. Anyway he was loud and drunk and boasting about his sexual prowess, anyway he was asking  people when was the last time they had sex. Now this is only something I discuss on this forum, but the drink I had acted as some sort of  truth serum and I said “more than 2 years”.  We’ll that was it he was running round telling everyone “Lanzo not’s had sex for2 years”, “I can’t go 2 days without sex”.  Dunno I kina felt embarrassed, but really guys should I feel embarrassed and how would any of you deal with this situation.


Lanzo

[terrified_in_TN]

Lanzo,

  In my mind, its NOTHING to be ashamed of.  Matter of fact you should be PROUD of that fact in my mind.  You show enormous self-restraint.  I am wiling to bet you *could* have sex if you wanted to-but knowing when YOU are ready is empowering.

My own sitch-Lady friend had way too much to drink on the first date.  We ended up naked in my bed (long story).  I refrained somehow (I wasn't ready).  I think she was actually a little upset by that.  Next day, she thanked me for it.  I think it blew her away that I didn't take advantage of her in the moment when I easily could have.

-T

[MeNow]

That guy was full of that brown smelly stuff.

[terrified_in_TN]

While on the subject of sex, and God I can't believe I am even going to admit to this...

I used to have a problem with being....how can I put this....a "minute man".  Since separation, I had two "one nighters".  I never had problems "rising to the occasion", but found I had the OPPOSITE problem.  I couldn't "finish".  Hell, even trying to "take care of myself" is too much like work these days.  That's pretty bad when no matter how much you try, if you can't get yourself off, there is a SERIOUS problem.  I reached a point I just gave up.

The point is, when we are younger, if the wind blows in the right direction, that is about all it takes to get us guys off.  However now I find if there isn't SOME kind of connection, its pretty much mute point.

WAAAAAAYYYYYY TMI, but am I the only one that had that "problem"?

-T

[elray]

Tnt,

Earlier you asked about our species and if we are programmed for pair binding for life.  Ie monogamy.  You might enjoy the book Sex at Dawn. 

The whole jist of that book is to conclude we aren't.  We are built for primary pair bonding with secondary side action. Or an open marriage. 

 They spend a lot of time discussing primate biology.  For examples, gorillas do not pair bond.  The silver back alpha only tolerates juvinile males and basically runs a harem.  The male doesn't need to display or worry about sperm competition so despite being a 400 lb beast, his Pen!$ is the size of your pinky, and his testes are inside, he doesn't have a biological imprritive to air condition his sperm for multiple orgasms with sperm competition for other men.  The females in his harem also do not use vocalization.

Now I am a spiritual man and I would argue this "normal conditioning" is our sinful base nature--I aspire to something more than that.  Further, I would argue that birth control and sexual liberation have weekend key support pillars in our culture for successful monogamy.

If you aren't a reader there's a short podcast I can send to you.  Pm me.

[terrified_in_TN]

...
Now I am a spiritual man and I would argue this "normal conditioning" is our sinful base nature--I aspire to something more than that.  Further, I would argue that birth control and sexual liberation have weekend key support pillars in our culture for successful monogamy.
...

  I absolutely respect your values and viewpoints, and I appreciate the information.  What you just said basically confirms my thoughts:  We are TAUGHT to go against our very nature.  If your FAITH is strong enough and you have the FEAR OF GOD, than you might be able to refrain from your natural instincts.  However, due to the erosion of our morals (based on biblical faith), "nature" wins over "nurture" more often than not, and is why we have the sheer number of affairs that we do.

  I am not agreeing with, or disagreeing with the assessment.  But question for you-if you took religion out of the equasion -would marriage essentially be obsolete?

-T

[MeNow]

Well, that may work for some or even most men, but what about the women? Men are very territorial and women can be jealous. Most of us are here today because "nature" won out over nurture.

We are also higher than apes. They shouldn't be our role models.

[terrified_in_TN]

We are also higher than apes. They shouldn't be our role models.

True, we ARE, but you cannot ignore "the basic instinct" that has been programmed into us.  Well, again my personal belief is that if you have enough FAITH you possibly can (but lets face it, how many "bible thumpers" that you know of ended up in an affair themselves)-but it doesn't remove the desire.  Its like the "fight or flight" instinct that is all engrained in us all.

I know religion is a DANGEROUS subject, and I should steer clear, but I have seen WAAAAY too many what I refer to as "Sunday Christians" and it drives me up a wall.

-T

[MeNow]

Yes, it's a tricky subject but this is the MAN CAVE. I think we're talking about the same thing though.
What you call basic instinct is our sin nature. Desire is temptation. The affair is sin.

Christians fare as badly as anyone else morally that's for sure but that is a reflection on them, not God.   

[Lanzo]

Yep T

  In my mind, its NOTHING to be ashamed of.  Matter of fact you should be PROUD of that fact in my mind.  You show enormous self-restraint.  I am wiling to bet you *could* have sex if you wanted to-but knowing when YOU are ready is empowering.
-T

Yep, I know I probably could.

  However now I find if there isn't SOME kind of connection, its pretty much mute point.
-T

Same here, if I don't feel something for a woman then nothing literally will happen.

Lanzo