[MyBrainIsBroken]

Thundarr, my wife had to change her diet after she found out she had food allergies. This was actually a good thing as she started eating a much more healthy diet. At first I resisted because I hated the idea of giving up many of my favorite foods but then I started eating a lot better as well. Then I started working out and running and after a while my wife joined me. She wouldn't run but we would go to the track and she would walk while I would run and she would also go to the gym with me. I started running 5Ks and she would walk them. After I finished the run I would backtrack to where she was and finish the walk with her. We both really enjoyed all of this and I'm in good enough shape now that I ran a two 13.1 mile half marathons last year. Even after BD my wife was very interested in all of my races and always wanted to know if I had won. And I usually did place in the top 3 for my age group. We also went for long walks several times after BD. None of this mattered. Didn't make any difference. And the OM is a butterball whose idea of exercise is walking to the kitchen for another beer. And now my wife has quit following her healthy diet, is putting weight back on, and looks like she's aged 6 years in 6 months. But man, she looked good at BD.

But I agree with everything you say about a better fit. After 36 years with my wife I can't imagine a relationship with anyone else. There are too many memories and shared experiences. I don't how she can just move on from that because I know that I can't.

[Braveheart]

Hadn't thought about it that way, BH, but yeah. XW had multiple diets over the years that lasted about a week or two and usually resulted in her getting grumpy and hateful, then going back to nice after she fell off the wagon.  That time though she stayed nice until a month before the end.  I do sometimes wonder if things would have been different had I jumped on the fitness bandwagon with her, but it likely wouldn't have mattered.

And as far as dating goes, I've had a few lunch dates with a fairly attractive co-worker recently but have no inclination to go any further. Theres so much of my life she would never know, and so many of my late loved ones she will never meet, that I just don't think she would ever get to truly know or understand me.  XW and I shared so many memories and so many years together that we got to know very many of each other's deceased loved ones.  I can't imagine ever having a "better fit" relationship and am afraid I would always compare any future one to ours.  Such a terrible, foolish loss for both of us for no valid reason.

I get all that, so much shared history that they could never share with anyone else, but as the song 'Garden Party' says, "If memories are all that count, I'd rather drive a truck"....Part of the answer is the fact that what we had is the past and it's gone, so don't waste what's left of your life going "Coulda,Woulda,Shoulda".

I know the woman my X used to be had always maintained that if she died or ended up as brain dead she wanted me to find another love and live my life to the fullest, she would not want me to be stuck in an endless loop of anger, loneliness and grief. I keep that in mind everyday.

[Dji76]

Fitness wouldn't have mattered... My wife dated 2 guys that looked like fat, broke versions of me. I've been very into fitness and sports my whole life. It's not about that. I think what a lot of us struggle with is trying to make sense of the nonsense. We know it's about them, not us. We advise others as such on their threads... Still, when it comes to our own situations it's just very difficult to leave the emotions out and accept what is.

[Mad Hatter]

Agree with you guys.  I also was impressed with XW's commitment to looks and health the months before BD.  I was so proud I even showed my supervisor a recent pic of her a couple months before BD.  His reaction?  "Uh-oh."  I didn't understand then.  I do now.

That's the thing, you hear all kinds of excuses for letting themselves go for years, but seem to have no trouble getting themselves back to pre marriage weight in as little as six months before they split.

Womens forums are full of such stuff where it almost seems they've do this on purpose, because they figure Hubby's afraid to say anything and it will lessen his desire for sex. Sad to think that as the PAU guys say, you have to use dread once in a whil;e to make them realise what they have.

And that's the shytty thing.......its almost like "ok...got husband, got him to give me kids, he's locked in now financially, screw it no need to put any effort in to stay fit and healthy or attractive; I can let myself go!"

And god forbid you say anything about her appearance, weight or health; you just declared WW III!

I stayed in shape my whole life; physical exercise and/or gym regularly. Tried to set an example; didn't work. At least not until ready to go attract someone else.

This is a lesson learned and something you have to set up front should you decide on another relationship. Make health and fitness a part of the deal breaker up front and hold your frame to it! Make it one of those couple things you do regularly. She slacks off, call her out on it and remind of it and offer support. If that don't work, unfortunately you have to put one foot out the door.

This goes for any deal breaker or undesired behavior! And ot works both ways if the guy caves too!!!

[Jackolar12]

OP,

This probably isn't my place anymore.    Meaning?    I shouldn't jump back into this.

I have been stalking the site.........    My first impressions of the "man cave?"   It was generic and
"safe" for anybody that might be reading.......

I became somewhat encouraged by Hatter's post.   I felt that he was making a case for the men on this site.    He was pointing out some fundamental differences and.......... unlike you OP.    I read the entire post.

I agree in that we must move on and "EVOLVE"  if we are going to finish our lives with our MLCer or any other person in our lives.    We cannot remain the same as we were, if we expect things to be any different next time around.

That being said.    What I read in Hatter's post was a man's point of view and man's way of dealing with a subject.    We are rational and logical.

That!   Has been my biggest struggle with all of this.    When things become irrational?    When I feel that I am under attack?

I am genuinely pi$$ed............

When I imagine my xw spreading her legs for another man?

I go into a rage..................

That being said.....   I allowed myself to do that.    And......   It was necessary at the time.   

LOGICAL THOUGHT PROCESS!!!!!!!!

Any machine that holds pressure is designed with a "pressure relief" valve in it.    When it gets too high?   When more pressure will damage a precious machine?

Wa la!   The valve let's the pressure off!    The machine remains intact.   

The big question I have is this?

If a man cannot let off his steam in print?    If a man cannot find someplace to be a man?

Where does this steam go?

If we look at this logically? 

My xw is in crisis because she stuffed a precious little girl into the pit of her being.    My xw actually hates the little girl inside of herself.    I know this for a fact.

In the case of my xw?    The little girl inside of herself is now, clawing her way out.    Before it is too late.

Wouldn't it have been much more productive if my xw would have let the little girl have her say when the abuse happened?    Wouldn't she have been justified in destroying all of the $hit around her at the injustice of it all?    AT THE TIME IT WAS TAKING PLACE?

Or is it better for people.    Male or female to repress the emotions we have?     Become some kind of magically whole person.    When in reality we are ignoring actual emotions?     Emotions that are justified by the circumstances?

And.   If we deal with them now?    Wouldn't it be healthier than suppressing it and insuring that these emotions stay with us?

It is exactly this kind of "cherry picking" the posts that caused me to leave this site.

We can embrace men for who they are.    Or we can use all of our energy trying to turn them into something "safe."     Something that makes us feel better about ourselves.

AS.   I've invited myself in.......    I will let you all know what I am up to.

I am standing.   I have allowed myself to rage at my xw, God, MLC, the world in general.

I feel that I've purged myself of the very emotions that will destroy any chance of a reconnection.

I've gotten rid of the emotions and have been able to look at my xw with new eyes.    Honest eyes.

I have to make peace with everything that has happened.    I have to allow myself to process as it presents itself to me.

At this point in my journey.    My focus is on a little girl that was abused.    A little girl that has destroyed a 30yr relationship because she is not going to be silent any longer.

When the little girl has her say?    My xw is going to need a healthy dose of unconditional love and compassion.

Logically?    The little girl has been silent long enough.

Rugged I agree with you entirely, their introspective foo issues ruin the long term relation ship at mid life. I see it evolving all around me, I don't want to be silent and modulated. I don't want to be politically correct " whatever for the severely damaged " I just want to get on with life.  I a gree with chump lady loose a cheater gain a life . I'm just looking for it . From what I've experienced from certain So called MODERATORS on this site all females to be precise I'm better off with my Mlcer, shame on you all for pulling the women's card in this tornado we are in. Go boil your heads.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

This goes for any deal breaker or undesired behavior! And ot works both ways if the guy caves too!!!

Quite often it seems to go both ways. The husband and wife both let themselves go. And I look at them and think good for them, at least they're still together.

[Thundarr]

Damn, Jackolar.  Tell us how you really feel, brother.

[osb]

From what I've experienced from certain So called MODERATORS on this site all females to be precise I'm better off with my Mlcer, shame on you all for pulling the women's card in this tornado we are in. Go boil your heads.

IMHO I do not believe this particular MLC tornado ever came with a "woman's card".

[Braveheart]

From what I've experienced from certain So called MODERATORS on this site all females to be precise I'm better off with my Mlcer, shame on you all for pulling the women's card in this tornado we are in. Go boil your heads.

IMHO I do not believe this particular MLC tornado ever came with a "woman's card".

There definitely is a "Team Woman" to try and justify/defend the actions of another woman, and suggest it's always the man's fault. I'd never defend the actions of a man who pulled the same crap.

I can't count the number of times in the last three and half years a woman has insinuated there must have been something I did "drive her to do what she did" . The last time I heard it directed at me was at a house party. I let both barrels fly and said  "Seriously? you have no idea. Come back and talk to me after your husband leaves you with the kids for some Bimbo he met online and see's the kids once a month if they are lucky"....A half hour later this same woman  (40 married) tries putting the moves on me...her husband was at home looking after the kids so she could have a night out...

[living with Hope]

It has been point blank said to me that I obviously wasn't making my man happy if he had to look elsewhere.  So really I think the people that say these things open their mouths before they think.  They have no idea what happens behind closed door and are quick to judge.  Some are well meaning and some are just plain cruel in their thoughtfulness.

I don't know if there is a team women or not.  I just know that people do not understand what we are going through and honestly how can they?   When we ourselves are questioning everything that is swirling around us.  I swear if I wasn't living this madness, I wouldn't believe it.