Thank you for sharing....may you find comfort, may you be healed, may you be at peace. As HB told me when I met her in person ( and she is as wonderful as she is here)... It will be fine.
And it will always be just fine; as long as you walk with the Lord; and understand that anything is possible if you will only believe.
I have found that He works in mysterious ways, His wonders to behold; but even I am human, and know that there are SOME things we will never attain in this life; and again, it is because we cannot control what another person does; ONLY ourselves.
I have NEVER gotten all that I've wanted; but I've had everything I have ever needed. Through the crisis, I learned that God was the only one who would and could meet ALL of my deepest needs. And because of my husband's freedom to CHOOSE, I will remind everyone my marriage was a BONUS; not the ultimate of outcomes...the MOST IMPORTANT OUTCOME of this, was the person I BECAME, and GREW INTO because of the JOURNEY I took to wholeness and healing.
I did NOT "have" to come through with my marriage; this was not a requirement of the journey; it was as individual as I was and am. My husband was the one who retained the decision for HIMSELF in order to make the necessary changes, and return unto me so we could reconnect, reconcile, renew, and rebuild our marriage into a new one later on; NOT me. It did NOT matter what I wanted; my husband was the one who chose ME.
God has control of ALL things; but Free Will was and IS a GIFT given to ALL men to exercise as they CHOSE, and CHOOSE to do.
CHOICE is an aspect ALL must accept in other people; we can choose to accept or not accept various behaviors within other people. We can choose to accept what God shows us, or not accept it; we can even choose our path to where ever we choose to go...understanding that for everything we do, something will happen because of the choices we make. Good or bad, these will "come home" to us, given time, as we reap what we sow in ALL aspects of our lives.
And so, for each crossroad we face, we make a choice for good or bad, then walk forward or on, however the case may be in each individual situation. Also understand we are NEVER where we DON'T wish to be at any given time; because we are faced with constant choice, and decision.
We can sit on various ones for awhile; but eventually, choices will need to be made in order to put our lives onto the track we would choose it to be on. If the Lord guides your life closely; then you'll find your choices will be more in line with what He wants; but this is NOT so He can "control" you.
Common sense dictates that He has the bigger picture, and since He KNOWS what is ahead, it would behoove you to obey Him in every way He advises. You can get NO better advice than what He gives when asked for His thoughts on various matters.
And believe me, I have asked Him many, many times what He thought; and was told EVERY time that it was up to me; but at His choosing, He would often go on to speak with me about what was ahead, depending on what I decided to do. When He was silent, I always knew it was still up to me, but whatever I chose wouldn't make that much difference in my life. I was always more comfortable with those type decisions than the ones where He was showing me various ways I could go, AND what would happen if I went one way or the other.
As I became more comfortable with my Intuition, I grew closer in my walk with Him. In time, I saw my Intuition take on several aspects; one of which is the Insight I carry that is STILL at this time, developing consistently forward.
He also showed me so many things about my husband, too, as well as guided my journey to wholeness and healing in SEVERAL aspects; during my husband's initial crisis, and during my Transition, as well.
I found that I could walk away as quickly as my husband could have; but chose to stand still in that sense; this gave me MORE power to stand than when I once thought I was "forced" to be where I was.
Waiting was proactive, not reactive; I learned as I went; and I am still learning, even today; long past this past this particular journey...into OTHER aspects of life that I need to develop within myself.
Anyway, IF my husband had chosen to walk away so long ago, there would have been NOTHING I could have done about that; but ACCEPT his walk away, and prepare to move forward, and on toward a new life as God would have led me into this at a later time.
So, you see, I was well prepared long before this decision was ever made...I had made mine long before; yet, I STILL had to wait on my husband to make his. On the other hand, it could so easily have gone the other way; I was brought to acceptance of this other possibility, and continued to let go, so the Lord could work on my husband.
Why does God show these things in such a way? Because He really does wish us to be prepared for a number of ways this could go. Circumstances changes things, and aspects; and we are prepared for this when we learn the lesson of letting go, and letting God work within our lives. We cannot control anyone but ourselves; our actions, and our reactions.
This is also where the comment I make about MLC being a "crapshoot", and a "gamble" comes from....it is that uncertain; just as it truly was for me, too.
The variables are far too many to really predict just how this will come out, and the only guarantee anyone has is how their own individual journeys will come out for each one.
We find we'll know MORE about ourselves, than about anyone else. It is quite natural to struggle to make sense of a time of life that NO sense can always be made of. This one aspect within us points to the clear aspect of the "fixing" we were once called upon to do for our spouses; and can NO LONGER do because the proverbial rules of this stage of LIFE have, and are CHANGED because of the Mid Life Crisis.
This results in putting the whole of responsibility upon each INDIVIDUAL person to figure out.
You find you are no longer responsible for others; it is enough you bear it for YOURSELF, just as your MLC spouse NOW bears it for themselves, regardless of how much they will TRY and blame YOU for what is clearly THEIR fault, and THEIR problem.
You'll find, if the journey is taken properly; you'll have too much on your plate to really deal with them for quite awhile; and this should help you detach and distance more quickly than before.
You simply CANNOT handle TWO people any longer; not like you did before...and so, the couple splits onto their own INDIVIDUAL paths to walk.
I also believe that as long as we continue to love our spouses, there is hope. Take care.
This is true, but love is NOT the ONLY answer or "cure all" for the crisis; you can have love and hope within your situation without expectations; but you must needs to still work on yourself, leaving all other aspects of your life to the Lord to deal with.
Honestly, when it comes down to it; there IS hope as long as you love your MLC spouse; but there are avenues they can take that will end your stand; such as remarriage, or they do so much damage that your original love is destroyed beyond salvaging.
And if/when God has promised true restoration of your marriage; there is NO end to the roads you may take before this happens.
Bear in mind, He can NOT do His work, if you do NOT do yours.
I have often dealt with people that want a positive outcome(marriage restoration, etc.); but don't wish to do the work involved to arrive at what God had promised them; and I'm telling you from experience, this is TEAMWORK that must needs to happen; wholly dependent on each person doing their part to bring this all together; IF this is meant to be.
And if you see something not go right or you see an aspect fall apart, not coming out the way you were shown ahead of time that it was supposed to; check to see what YOU didn't do; because IF you didn't do your part, God CANNOT do His part, and He really DOES need us to accomplish what He sets down in front of us in order for various aspects to work out. Contrary to what you might think, this is NOT a "failure" on His part, as God CANNOT FAIL.
WE are the ones who can and will fail.
On the other hand, ALSO check and see what your MLC spouse may have ALSO failed to do; as they can make decisions that can and sometimes will alter the path, adding time, making it longer to walk, or even cause it to become crooked, narrow, and sometimes dangerous.
You must learn to discern what is happening; before you can figure out what to do next; and He will also help you with this, too.
One more thing while I'm on a roll here; God is NOT a "Genie in a bottle" to be pulled out at a moment's notice when you "need" or "want" something. He will NOT allow Himself to be used in this way; this is one of HIS boundaries. God wants to be leader of our lives ALL the time, NOT just sometimes.
He CREATED us, therefore He has the perfect right to ask for ANYTHING He chooses; we don't have to obey Him; but we will pay a price for disobedience.
He will NEVER ask you to do something that will dishonor yourselves or your families; I can testify to this; He has NEVER asked me to do something that down graded me, has never asked me to do something shameful.
He has put me on the spot many times in my life, but, these times were intended for my GROWTH, LEARNING, and BECOMING.
I'm NOT perfect, and I made SO many mistakes during his crisis, that I was the "Poster Child" for "Mistake City"; so to speak.
Yet, I knew when He asked me to do something it was for my own good, and it would HELP me, NOT hurt me. There were quite a few harsh aspects of myself He showed me during my journey that stung the fire out of me, but these were truths and realities that I NEEDED to see so I could alter my thinking, sometimes change my path, and most of all, learn something new when I was ready to receive it; so I could grow even more into the role I was set to take at a later time.
As I matured further within his MLC, I came to see the Lord as my one true FRIEND; NOT my enemy; I came to KNOW my ENEMY well, and it was NOT GOD, but SATAN himself.
And NO, I'm NOT "politically religious"; nor did I have to "get religion" in order to get to know Him; all I'd needed to do was give Him my heart, my soul, and my will in trade for His Will, and be willing to obey Him in all ways, all aspects.
This is NOT such a hard thing to do on my part since I came to understand in a deeper way years ago that He really DID care about me; and He's VERY interested in even the littlest things that concern me.
Oh, but it was such a LONG, HARD, road this past eleven years. This same road, contained so many realizations, so much heartache, yet, so much growth and learning was achieved, it became a very REWARDING path, bringing me many blessings, as I walked it through.
I STILL, to this day, have troubles and trials, but I KNOW without the shadow of a doubt that He is WITH ME and FOR ME; and He will NEVER leave me to chance.
I trust Him fully, I love Him dearly; and He comes FIRST in my life, BEFORE my husband and my family; and He always will.
I have said this before, and I mean every word I say from my heart; IF I lost all and everything, and still have Him in my life; I know that I will be just fine. I may not understand EVERYTHING that happens, but I know He loves ME with a love that no one else can duplicate, nor perfect; because He has ALREADY perfected His love for me.
I have lost SO much within my life, and this doesn't just encompass my husband's MLC; but I'll tell you one thing I know for certain, my gains outweighed my perceived losses as I've walked this road called LIFE.
I've lost loved ones over time; I've lost money, I've lost other things; I've tasted the fine wine of true love, and even before that same love came, a loss had to happen in order to me to gain the knowledge of what true love entails.
I've carried burdens that would crush other people to the ground; yet, the Lord gave me strength to carry these for a period of time; oftentimes, letting me know that He would take them from me; all I had to do was ASK this of Him.
There were other times, just to test my faith; I was set to carry burdens I was NEVER meant to carry; but I carried these in a "helpful" fashion for awhile.
I've also been known to "carry" people for a short period of time until they could regain their feet; and I would always know when to let go; this is what mentoring people is all about....one gets carried for a time, but eventually, they are set free to find their own way; as no one was ever meant to be dragged through this to the total end by another.
This even happened for me, years ago; for a time, I was "carried" by another for a short while, until I, too, could gain my feet so I could walk forward with more understanding; hard to imagine isn't it? ME? Yes, ME; why NOT ME, too???
I'm telling the TRUTH..and there came a time when I stepped out on my OWN, learned to trust myself, and the only time I called on my mentor afterward, was when I came into aspects never before seen, OR if the Lord instructed me to call on her.
Otherwise, I spent many years walking with no more than the Lord to guide me; shining a light in dark places; and always being there when I needed Him.
The Lord once told me that it wasn't enough to just trust, have confidence and faith in Him; I needed to develop these same aspects within myself, too. I asked about arrogance; but He said these aspects developed within only BECAME arrogance if one actually forgot WHOM it is they depend on for their help; and I do NOT forget where it is I come from, NOR do I forget from WHOM it is I receive my help, gifts, and all of the other aspects I gained during my own journey.
Some aspects continue to be ongoing; and that's a given; one NEVER stops growing; if this happens; prepare to become stagnant, complacent, and I can guarantee you He will do something about that to drag you right out of your comfort zone in a hurry.
Been there, too.
Didn't mean to start preaching; but here it is...my Sermon for Christmas.
Much love to all, and much praise unto the Lord who watches out over ALL of us,
HB
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Merry Christmas