[terrified_in_TN]

Been lurking, and something popped into my wee brain.  I am wondering if anyone else notices this pattern of behavior:

Quite a bit of purple lately (a good thing), but looks like in most of those cases, the affairs were short lived, and the MLCer was most often a clinger who never really FULLY emotionally checked out...

Then we have those that have been at this a while, and their MLCers are still deep in the tunnel.

Pulling from my own sitch, and many others seem quite similar-why is it the MLCer thinks they have been living a lie, and doing what was expected of them (basically my sitch, but I have seen many others with almost IDENTICAL claims), and decide to go live another life of accomodation?

What I mean by that is, I see MLCers unsure of themselves, and have to figure out who they are...okay fine, I get that.  But then to read stories of these MLCers taking up hobbies with the OP that they NEVER showed ANY interest in at all is bizarre to me.  Maybe they are "trying on new hats" to see what fits, but more often than not I suspect all they are doing is ACCOMODATING to the OPs to keep the OPs happy/interested.  Ummmm, isn't that why they left in the first place-they felt they were accomodating??

-T

[Airmid]

I have an answer for my own personal situation.
Ostrich-Boy (aka H)  never stepped up to the plate of life to make decisions while he was in our 20 year relationship.
He was a follower, not a leader.
In our case it was so drastic that I brought him with me to my therapist to talk about it.
He actually said in the session - "I don't mind not making any decisions, I am the support crew once a decision is made."
Soon after that I convinced him to get an IC.  I assumed he was working on stuff.
Well, I guess he got to the point in his life where he recognized he wanted to make his own decisions.

So what decision did he make?
That he wanted this other woman from his past.

OB thinks he has "made a major decision"  and he most certainly has!
The problem is, he still hasn't learned, as far as I can tell - (and TBH I have a very limited glimpse into his new life) how to be responsible for making decisions on an ongoing basis.

He actually said - "I love my new life with OW. she is taking care of me."
OMG!

Yup Big Bird - you are right back where you were before - letting someone else pull the strings.  Only you are so wrapped up in the newness of it - you don't see it for what it is - same old behavior, different person.

Had he stayed within our marriage I would have happily encouraged him taking the lead a bit more - I was tired of driving the bus all the time.

[Medusa]

If they are, indeed, accommodating, I doubt they realize it.

The thing is, most of them were/are incapable of being alone. I know mine was. And he came up with this nonsense about doing what everyone expected of him for his whole life and now, dammit, he's going to do what he wants (and damn the consequences to anyone else).

Because they are incapable of being alone, they will continue to accommodate until (and if) they are for able to look to themselves, just as we often accommodated until our loves were obliterated and we had to face ourselves. In other words, they are repeating certain patterns because that's what they know. They need to learn from their mistakes/actions in order to learn. No guarantees those who are gone for a long period of time ever will.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I couldn't even get my wife to tell me what restaurant she wanted to go to. I finally found if I gave her a choice of two she'd pick one or the other. We went through counseling for my PTSD about 15 years ago and I mentioned this to the counselor. He said maybe she really doesn't care. He was great for PTSD but he missed my wife's accommodating. But that's because he was treating me, not her. He should have been seeing her, too.

My wife also hated to be alone. Now the OM goes on four or five day long trips and leaves her behind. She's not alone, though. She gets to take care of his autistic 17yo son.

[MsT]

I don't think this is specific to being accommodating, either, though.
Mine went to play knight in shining armor while shouting "I can't solve everyone's problems all the time, figure it out yourself."

More proof that they are seriously messed up.

[terrified_in_TN]

  Your right MST-there is a lot to MLC; I just think its funny (okay, not really at all) that in my sitch, and quite a few others I have read about that the MLCer is tired of their routines, and needs to figure out who they are, and what they like ... to "find their self" (quoting my w here), yet what do they do...go and ACT LIKE the OP, take interests in the same things as the OP, etc.  They could be "trying new things on for size", but the way I see it-they are just accomodating all over again.  Different routine, different person, yet STILL not themselves.  Living again for some one else.

  Maybe that is part of the process like medusa stated?  They either figure out they are still doing things because of or for somebody else-the only thing that really changed was the characters in the play-or they never quite figure that out at all.

-T

[Back_to_me_plus_2]

I can only talk about my personal situation.

Much of my H's childhood was spent accommodating his abusive mother and her mother (his grandmother). His mother was very ambivalent, so he never knew if he would get abused or loved. It was very unpredictable. He walked on eggshells. He was forced to grow up at a very young age. His mother had another baby when he was just shy of being a teenager, and he raised his sister almost single-handedly. He was the man of the house. They were poor.

He left that situation at 17 and joijed the military where they are taught to further opress their emotions and become what the "army" needs them to be..... perfectly compliant.

There's more and too much to write here. But my advice is... if you want answers, look at your H's past... was he raised by alchoholics? Was he abused? Could he have PTSD from childhood trauma? Is he ex-military?

We are currently reconciling. It's going really well. But he is A> on medication B> in therapy both individually and in group

My other little tidbit is.... they can't get better until they admit it is them and and not you.... and they actively seek the help! It's still not easy. He has a LOT of healing to do. But he has boundaries that he completely respects, and his children have their Dad, at 100%. He's doing the BEST he can.

[Back_to_me_plus_2]

I can tell you that my H was told in group therapy that what he did..... up and left his family.... is a "thing" that they do.

These men that have trauma in their past..... less than ideal childhoods.... eventually, this can be aninevitable event.... ESCAPE, crisis....what have you.

when he told me, I said "I've read about it".... but didnt give him a label.... like MLC or PTSD crisis.... identity crisis or anything. I know, he knows and that is all that matters for now.

[Anjae]

...why is it the MLCer thinks they have been living a lie, and doing what was expected of them (basically my sitch, but I have seen many others with almost IDENTICAL claims), and decide to go live another life of accomodation?

That is one of the one million dollars question about MLC/MLCer behaviour. Like you I think MLCer jump to accommodation. If anything even to more accommodation that before. There is no one to challenge them, so they can just accommodate and let it be. No need to change, grow, develop.

They are indeed accommodating to the OP/accommodating the other person. And allowing the OP to run the show.

Some of your MLCer may not had been able to make decisions, but Mr J was. We were both capable of making decisions, we were a team and, often, we took joint decisions. None of us has troubles decide or choosing or decide. One of the most amazing things of Mr J MLC is the fact that he allows OW2 to make decisions, including choosing his lawyers, decide when he must or must not file for divorce, etc. I cannot recognise him, since the normal he would never allows such external interference and level of control. 

Agree with Medusa, they cannot be alone. Show me a MLCer who can be alone and you have found the mystery of the beginning of the universe.

In fact, the way I see it, the OP is more detrimental than useful. I'm talking of those who remain with the OP for years on end, not of those who "quickly" get rid of OP. The MLCer will stick to OP and OP will took the reins.

Back to me, none of those things you ask, raised by alcoholic parents, had been abused, suffering from PTSD from childhood trauma or being in the military applies to Mr J or my cousin who had MLC. It also does not apply to several MLCers I know from real life.

[Medusa]

I cannot find it, but about 2 years ago, I ran across a list of those who are at risk for a full-blown MLC. Militwry career, death of a parent, abuse...all those were on it. But three was a caveat as well--no one knows which of us will go into identity crisis because we learn to compensate and make the word believe we have our sh!t together.

Seems to me those who struggle the most are the ones who were the best at pretending.