[OffRoad]

I was just thinking the other day (I do this occasionally) and this occurred to me: When our MLCers cause the massive upheaval they do in our lives, could it be that it is really OUR lives that are in need of being changed? I see references to going through mid life crisis (doing it the hard way) and going through mid life transition (doing it the easy way).

If you consider these stages for mid life transition/crisis:
1. Dismantling
2. Emptiness
3. Disorientation
4. Rebuilding
5. A New Life.

Once the MLCer drops the bomb, we can stay where we are and stand or not, or we can move on and stand or not. Whatever happens, our life as we knew it was dismantled.

The person we originally loved is gone. Whomever returns, if they do, will not be the same. There will be an emptiness in our lives where our loved on once was.

Without the anchor we thought we had in our life, we are like a ship being thrown around in the sea. We aren’t sure how to act and many of us have to completely revamp our lives to become single parents, move everything, change or get careers. Disorientation sets in as we try to decide our best course.

Once we decide how to go on with our life, we have no choice but to rebuild it, and it HAS to be different. Often very different, and not always the way we would prefer.

At the end, we end up with a new life. Maybe not the one we envisioned, or the one we wanted, but a new life that we can tweak to our best advantage.

Has anyone here considered that on some kind of spiritual level, the changes we are being forced to go through might be caused because we didn’t go willingly into the tunnel ourselves?

[MeNow]

I think that if we let it, all things work out for our good in the end.

[Hmmm]

I agree that I've been forced into a transition. I've analysed H and myself so much! I had a mini replay of buying clothes, make up, changing my hair, smoking, drinking etc.

I've never been alone. My relationships have always overlapped and I've sought company and attention my whole life. H works abroad and I didn't realise until his MLC that him being away gave me anxiety.

I'm not totally cured yet but I've come to a calmer position, I can deal with problems and let things go more easily. I still don't sleep well but I'm getting better. 

I'm beginning to enjoy solitude but sometimes feel the urge to chat to people on fb or here-once I can go a week without that then I'll know I'm whole and complete.

[CallanG]

I have to say I think mine was the other way round . When I turned 40 which was six years ago I went through what  I think was a transition . I lost some weight because I was riding so much , I started to compete at show jumping and I did got through a period of feeling unappreciated by H . I remember feeling unsettled for quite some time but I talked about it with Friends and H . I told him how I felt . I cant remember how long the feelings went on for ( it was over a year) but I remember one day I was walking and just suddenly felt overwhelmed with love for  H and the life we had .

Things settles down and I would say for the first time in my life I felt really comfortable in my own skin . I remember thinking to myself Wow life does begin at 40 .

[Hmmm]

I'm thinking we actually entered it together now you say that CG.

Him being away left me hanging around a lot waiting for him to come home. A few months before him going distant, a friend at work started a band and I used to go and watch them. The friend would recommend movies etc and I chatted to H about him a lot. As I started to have fun, my H withdrew and eventually I wouldn't even get a cuddle in bed.

I started to feel that I wasn't my real self around my H. Other people saw a more fun, interesting person.

[CallanG]

I do think that H felt threatened by the changes in me , but to me they were just really subtle changes . People kept saying to me are you trying to lose weight I was like no I love food I am just doing a lot of exercise but I wonder if H saw that as something else .

The show jumping thing again was not something I decided that I must do it just evolved but again he saw that as me pulling away from him and in his mind me feeling so comfortable in myself made him feel scared that I did not need him .

[Hmmm]

Yep, I think we were co-dependent but my promotion and independence coincided with him being made redundant and some other triggers. He needed me to need him.

It's a shame we don't have a narrator for our life so we can see it at the time-not just in hindsight
X

[CallanG]

He needed me to need him.


X

Spot on there Hmmm mine was vunerable due his Grandmother passing away . OW needed him and he swooped right in to rescue her .

[nah]

I completely revamped my life after he left.

Safe to say, I even went through my own crisis.  Mine was fast and furious and burned out quick but now that I have settled, I am not the same girl he left behind.

[in it]

For me the transition I'm going through is dealing with loss and in current or new relationships. I'm working on basing them on MUTUAL respect.

I hadn't really been allowed to truly grieve the losses in my life. It stressed the ex when I cried so I stopped doing it. It was very painful to do that but I feel necessary to my healing and feeling.

I agree about the narrator Hmm.