[OldPilot]

My wife's father died a few months ago.

Ditto - Really not sure what effect it has had since I very little if any contact.

It more than likely will keep her in the tunnel although I think she will permantly live there for the
rest of her life.

[Thunder]

The only trauma my X had was going through a bankruptcy.

I think his was more hormonal.  He just looked at himself one day and thought he was getting old.
Started his quest to get younger by trying all kinds of activities (rollerblading, biking, running, etc.), then shaving all his gray hair off and dressed younger.

I actually witnessed him having hot flashes.

[Medusa]

Well, I am watching the death of a parent happen as I type.

MIL died Sunday. Her visitation was last night and the funeral is today.

Because I don't know how this is going to play out, I can only guess. But for whatever its worth, here are my observations and guesses.

Observations:

First, this man is in deep shock. Those of us who have been around an MLCer for awhile are used to shark eyes. What I saw last night were the eyes of a corpse. Twice there was a flicker of life--once when he first saw me and again when I told him that his mom was proud of him and that he was her golden boy. D22 made a similar comment that he is clearly in shock.

Second, he is making decisions based on his needs with utterly no thought of anyone else (stunning, I know) or the potential ramifications of those decisions (another shock). He brought OW to the funeral knowing his wife and two children would be there and that S21 has never met OW. He was forced to say to an old family friend that I am his Ex, knowing we are not only not divorced but haven't even filed. He now has to live with that decision. In true MLC fashion, he has poured lies on top of lies.

Theory:

Although I am guessing, I believe the levels of stress they feel are what eventually tips the scales for them. Unfortunately, we cannot know how they are going to react to the stress. When I say stress, I mean both external and internal factors. Mine will undoubtedly struggle with his mothers death just as he has struggled with his dad's (FIL died when he was 14). He has enormous guilt where his mother is concerned, and because he chose to bring OW to her funeral and is lying about our marital status, he has even more guilt and stress. External factors include that he is the executor of her will, that he seems to be feeling a strong financial pinch that's going to get worse in the next couple of months because we are wending our way towards divorce and I am not going to let him get away so his nonsense, anymore.

So that, in a nutshell, is my sitch.

I believe the timing of the death of a parent is very important as it depends on where they are in the tunnel. My mom died two years ago, 6 months after BD. He ran hard and he ran fast. I've watched him continue to run.

It may be that MILs death will trigger more running. That's what I believe because he has run from death his entire life. But its possible that as he continues his flight and to destroy things and continues to make a mess of his life, he may reach the point where he must look inward. That is in the future: he isn't done wrecking stuff, yet.

He has not reached out to me. He is so deep that he cannot. Or maybe he really is done with me. Who knows.

Ultimately, I do think mine will one day find his way out. As I have posted on my thread, I've believed for a long time that he would never be able to find his way until he is free from MIL. He is not, yet, but she can no longer do the same kind of damage she's done in the past. I see her death as a turning point for him as he begins reaping what he has sown in the last couple of years.

But I don't know. I'm usually wrong when I predict stuff, so just saying I think he will come out of it may have guaranteed he stays in that tunnel forever.

I will continue posting the things I see and can make sense of on this thread as they occur. It's fascinating to me that this topic has arisen right as I am in the thick of it.

[roxyshin13]

I believe the start with my H was he couldn't handle our D growing up she is our only child and they were extremely close. I noticed he started changing when she got her drivers license  and more so when she graduated from high school and was off doing things more with her friends then dad. And also H 's dad suffered a major Heartattack few months before BD

[TrustingMyHP]

Interesting topic.

Seven years before former husband began his MLC affair he was fired from his position as president of the company he'd founded 11 years before. 

Three years after that (5.5 years before BD) his mother, with whom he had a difficult relationship, died after a protracted illness.  In the same month our daughter graduated from high school and four months after that a dear, dear friend (our age) died of leukemia.

Two years later my ex had to have a cardiac stent placed to correct a 99% coronary blockage (the infamous Widowmaker blockage.)  Nine months after that he had his "spiritual experience" and four months later he met OW and began his 18 month pre-BD affair (which never ended.  She's now his wife.)

From what I consider to be his first MLC "triggering" event--his firing--to BD was 8.5 years.

Three years after BD, his younger brother (at age 58) died very unexpectedly from a heart attack.  That was 18 months ago.  Didn't move him at all, from what I can tell, through the tunnel.

TMHP

[Anjae]

I trace back the beginning of Mr J's crisis to early Summer 2005 when his paternal grandmother died.

Progressively he become more and more manic as well as depressed. By early 2006, as well as before he left and in May 2007 he was fully aware he was depressed, but accepted no medical help.

By January 2010 his beloved maternal grandmother died and his Replay behaviour intensified. A month later, my kitten that he adored and was at his guard died. That did not contribute to any "lets consider get out of this funk" action.

If Mr J was behaving like crazy until early 2010, by then he had gained the full dead man walking look and, apart from brief moments, has never loose it till this day.

There has also been friends deaths, some younger than us. So far, no shock Mr J has suffered during is crisis has contributed to bring him out of MLC or getting close to exit the tunnel.

It may really only work if the MLCer is already prepared to leave the tunnel. Or the MLC may be about to exit the tunnel, but the shock can make them go back inside.

I think a shock while they are in crisis in more likely to prolong the crisis or, if they were about to come out of Replay, send them back into the tunnel. Must safer and cozy there, with all the Escape & Avoid activities to mask the pain.

[Chookie]

Really interesting discussion.

In October 2012, H and I moved to my mother's home, at H's suggestion, to care for her as she has Alzheimer's. We were enjoying being here at the beach and spent a lot of time tidying up the place. We loved it.
Early in 2013 it became obvious that Mum was going to need more care than we could provide for her and she couldn't remain in her home. H was devastated as he had imagined us caring for her for a few more years.  She was moved into temporary care in February 2013.

I had been noticing some strange behaviours from H during this time but didn't realise how much worse was to come.

His dad contracted a form of septicaemia in the April and deteriorated in hospital during that time. H clung to me for dear life. We made the decision to turn off FIL's life support and he passed in June of 2013.
H's sister and brother both spoke at his funeral, but H was unable to so it was left for me to do that on his behalf.

In July his mother had a stroke and was in a rehab facility for some months. I kept asking H if he'd spoken with her and his reply was, "She knows where I am." I couldn't believe it.

My brother had been living with us after the break up of his marriage and in September, having been unable to contact him all day and acting on my gut feeling, we discovered he'd suicided.
H was supportive of me but was extremely depressed and acting very strangely. He drove to the funeral and I had to keep telling him to drive faster as he was only doing 20 or 30 kms/hr in a 100 zone. It was quite dangerous.
At the funeral people were supporting H more than me as he was inconsolable. During the wake we found him sitting in the car with the engine running, head in hands, an absolute blubbering mess.

BD was November 29, 2013. In hindsight I see H's crisis began at least three years prior to all of this, once again after a run of traumas and deaths within the family. There had been a year or two of walking on eggshells and a couple of very strange behaviours on his part.

On BD I asked him why the affair had started and he said, "I had time between finishing work and going to my counselling appointment. I had an hour to kill."

I believe completely that the trauma caused initially by his dad's passing triggered his MLC. As far as I know the affair began very soon after his dad's passing.

Apologies for the long post. 

[Songanddance]

Firstly - Medusa  I am sorry for your loss of your MIL. I don't know how close you were or even if you got on - however she was part of your pre BD married life so my condolences.

My parents died long ago and H's dad died way back in the seventies when H was young.  He developed a fatalistic belief that he would die the same age as his dad. That date has now passed.

His mum's death was definitely the trigger for BD in 2013 but she had long term Alzheimers since 2003 and ever since she went into a home H began to bury his head in denial. I can chart the denial phases by the purchases and comments he would make. I think even moving house to where we are now in 2003 was a form of denial.  He said he wanted to do work on the property but actually did very little.

I think the beginning of the real spiral downwards before his mum's death was the sudden death of two close people we both loved (one in 2007 and one in 2011) and who were not family. Unfortunately we also lost some friends too to various illnesses and conditions in 2011 and attended an unusual amount of funerals.  H's attitude and desire to "escape to some island on a boat and become insignificant" really came to the fore in early 2012.

To be honest as far as H is concerned - there has been no "major" trauma for him since BD.

 It has instead been my lot to endure less major traumas including the accusations and tribunal I have faced at work, the restructuring and pay of my job, the anger issues with my son, the movement of both my Ds away from home, the loss of one of my own good friends and also the loss of my dog 13 weeks ago. Thank goodness for my T who has helped me because I asked for it.

H has reflected upon these situations too but has just walked away when it became difficult and immersed himself back in replay.

So will another trauma bring H out of the tunnel? Who knows. I am inclined to agree with LL that it is very likely that any trauma during MLC just helps the MLCer vindicate their behaviour and it doesn't push them further into the tunnel - it probably keeps them stuck.

[Picton]

I think a number of tragedies and trauma has cause mine to have his MLC but about a year before BD XP became obsessed with funerals - still is. Even spent thousands of dollars flying to America for OW fathers funeral - he had never met the man.
He attends every funeral of anyone he has met along with those he hasn't.
His grandfather died at 54, his father at 60. Ever since I have known him he has always said that he would die young.
He lost a good friend when he was 25 - friend was 21. It was a sudden death - he died while playing a game of rugby but it wasn't a rugby injury that caused it.
Not sure what the obsession is all about. Not sure if all the wake attending impacts in anyway to his movements in the tunnel. It will be one of those things I will ask him if and when he manages to clear the fog.

[Thunder]

Piction,

That's funny.  My X's mom died of kidney cancer years ago (she was 51 years old) and he talks about how he is probably going to die of skin cancer some day while he constantly sun bathes.  He will be 51 next month.

Weird how they think.