[Ready2Transform]

The good thing is that none of the "letting go" has to be done all at once. We can work through the grief process over this crap and come out the other end with more positive feelings. We really don't have to "wish them the best" - but we can at least not have hate or bitterness. Focusing on our own lives and not being concerned with them is in many ways the best thing to shoot for. Will give us a very neutral place to make decisions from if they do ever emerge from the unicorn tunnel. But it's easier said than done, especially for most of us who still have some connection with them in the form of kids, property, legal battles, and clinging boomerang actions.

[Medusa]

I guess then this begs the next question - why do LBs's seek comfort in the stats that say MLCer will divorce OW or that their R is miserable?  What kind of comfort/hope are we seeking?  and even if we don't want MLCer back why do we want them to suffer? 

The stats may provide hope to some that the relationship will fail and they will try to come back. Or it may be plain old vengeance. They hurt us and some primeval part of us wants them to hurt as much as we did. Plus, them actually being happy with the OP is another rejection of us.

Moment, forgiveness is a choice. It is for us. We must decide how long we want to haul around the pain, shame, and other emotions associated with what they've done for us. We forgive when we are ready, when we no longer need those emotions.

Letting go is hard, and you may never reach the place where you don't think of him, especially when kids are involved. You learn to accept it for what it is and, one day, you realize it doesn't hurt, anymore.

[Thunder]

moment- I guess then this begs the next question - why do LBs's seek comfort in the stats that say MLCer will divorce OW or that their R is miserable?  What kind of comfort/hope are we seeking?  and even if we don't want MLCer back why do we want them to suffer? 

You're kidding, right?
I think every one of us have suffered a lot and it's maybe just human nature to wish they, at some point, experience the pain we have felt.  Or at least SOME pain.
Just so they feel some of what we felt.

I would never wish real pain on my X, I care about him too much, but I sure don't wish he ends up happier than me.  That would be like pouring salt on an open wound.   

[HeartTattoo]

moment- I guess then this begs the next question - why do LBs's seek comfort in the stats that say MLCer will divorce OW or that their R is miserable?  What kind of comfort/hope are we seeking?  and even if we don't want MLCer back why do we want them to suffer? 
You're kidding, right?

Thunder,

Took the words right out of my mouth.  I have never understood LBS's who say something like "I just want my MLCer to come through the tunnel & heal & have a good life (despite not returning home).  I just don't get that.  There wasn't anything wrong with me; there wasn't anything wrong with our M, certainly nothing wrong enough that justified infidelity, pretending all was well, & walking out the door 10 minutes after BD to live with an OW.  Why would I wish him well after that?  I want justice.  Justice would be him smashing headfirst into the rocks, picking himself up, & trudging home to honestly try to repair the damage he has done to himself, to me, & to our family.  Even with that best-case scenario, forgiveness isn't a cake walk. 

Why would I wish him well in his "new life" with his "new R"?  I don't know if my H will ever want to return home or not, but the part of MLC lore that I do believe with all of my heart is that my MLCer H will NOT have a good life if he stays on the path he is on.  He is lost; he is empty; he is in a R with another broken person, an opportunistic, hypocritical alienator.  How does he heal on this path?  Why waste my breath, thought, spirit wishing him well on this path?

I haven't reached a place of forgiveness yet (2 1/2 years after BD), especially one month after my crappy D settlement.  If he sincerely wanted to heal our M, I would be there.  And I believe I'll get there no matter what, in probably more of a "it's been so long, I've healed myself, yeah I guess I really do forgive him" sort of a way.  Sort of forgiveness by default.  If we just say we forgive them because we think it is expected or something we have to do for ourselves to move on, I'm not sure how genuine that is.  I think forgiveness comes when we do all of those things to take care of ourselves, heal ourselves, strengthen ourselves, & love ourselves.  Then, we realize that yes, we have forgiven.  I don't think though that forgiveness requires that we "wish them well" while they're stuck in the MLC mud heading nowhere but down.

[Dontgiveup]

From the time I learned about my MLCer marrying the OM, I kept this simple little piece from RCR's article Woman Scorned part II in my mind.

The Titanic needed no assistance

I spent no time wondering why I had been "chosen" over.  I understood how the OM played into the regression......and in the case of my MLCer, it was stunningly obvious.  I sometimes told people, as boastful as it sounded, the OM couldn't hold a candle to me......and if their "relationship" lasted, so be it.....it wasn't because of anything I was or wasn't.

I've seen the movie Titanic.  It sinks.  Every.  Single.  Time.

[OffRoad]

I guess then this begs the next question - why do LBs's seek comfort in the stats that say MLCer will divorce OW or that their R is miserable?  What kind of comfort/hope are we seeking?  and even if we don't want MLCer back why do we want them to suffer? 

What kind of comfort are we seeking? The comfort that says it wasn't us, that the MLCers really are broken. The comfort that says the OP really wasn't a better fit for our MLCer than we were. The comfort that tells us that moving forward is the right thing, since our MLCer is STILL not happy, and there really was nothing we could do about it.

It isn't about our MLCer suffering, it's one more thing that shows us that our work is about us, it's not about them.

[Medusa]

I've seen the movie Titanic.  It sinks.  Every.  Single.  Time.

Which is why I've never actually seen the movie in its entirety.

I know what happens. 

[ArmySpouse]

Hi

Thank you for your replies - I have come to realise just as there are many differing points of view on this topic so there are a myriad possibilities for the MLCer's marriage to OW.  I guess none of us will ever know the dynamics or the outcome of our MLCer's marriage to OW.  I guess then this begs the next question - why do LBs's seek comfort in the stats that say MLCer will divorce OW or that their R is miserable?  What kind of comfort/hope are we seeking?  and even if we don't want MLCer back why do we want them to suffer? 

take care moment

 I think it is purely because we are so upset still, that we've been dumped like that and so of course we do not wish anybody to be happy in the beginning stages of this crises ..

 And of course we also would justice!! and if that means that him and her break up -that is done ..!!  Because a relationship that is built out of lies ,deceit and unhappiness can only fail ...if it does,it is just a validation again and so within the LBS- Again it's just verification and justification that something like this will get punished and will never work ..

 I know it is basic human emotions and it's wrong and as Christians were supposed to forgive and I think this will come later toO.. But myself: I admit I'm not there yet ...and of course I don't want to see my husband and her being ever able to build a successful relationship !!
because that would mean that he was "right" leaving me with our marriage (in his eyes)..that our marriage was "wrong"...
And of course he did it the wrong way but it would feel (in that moment) that in the long run it was "worth it" -and you don't want something like this to be worth it !!

 Because all of our hopes and dreams in our marriage shattered the moment this crisis hit ..

[in it]

I don't have enough hindsight to say about this divorce. I know the ex did intend to marry the exow but decided not too.

I have a first marriage story though:

Both of us were young. Lived together 3 years ..married 3 years..short version.

He had an affair and divorced me. I thought it was the end of the world. He would change with her. Be everything I needed him to be. She would take my place. Have all the things I should have had.

I tried everything. Threatened, begged, cried ( that's how I knew it wouldn't work this time)

They got married. They had a daughter.

About 5 years later this is how it turned out.

His company went out of the country to start manufacturing.
He started a whole other family there.
She only found out when the credit card bill came and there were baby clothes charged on it.
She had him served when he got off the plane the next time he came home.

He didn't change he only got worse..

I'm glad I was me rather than her.

I can relate to wanting them to suffer the same if not worse pain than we have. They say the best revenge is a life well lived. I look at it sometimes as the rest of their lives will be their repayment.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Remember best man and woman are in marriages, who You can find on "market" appropriate age who aren't broken ?

This is why, after my wife gets her divorce, I'm going looking for a 21yo. One of the reasons. 

My therapist asked me today if I would want my wife to be healed even if she chose not to come back to me after she was healed. I couldn't answer the question because I couldn't imagine her being healed and not wanting to be with me because I know what we had and if she were healed and didn't want that back what we had couldn't have been real.

When I was young I startled a friend's dog and it bit me. I didn't feel like I needed to forgive the dog because I knew it was a dog and that's what dog's do. If my wife is going through an MLC then what she's doing is what people who are going through a crisis do so what is there to forgive? If she wasn't going through a crisis then I know that it would be very difficult for me to forgive her. I'm not sure if I ever would.