[UnconditionalLove]

I wanted to throw this out there and start a discussion on our Midlife and if there is a pattern here.

As I am working through stuff I now see that although I was married to an amazing person or so I thought I am now seeing that maybe he wasn't as amazing as I want to admit as people are trying to get me to understand that nice people doesn't alway line up to a good partnership.  He was always care, loving, more affectionate then I, I would say.  I guess I wrapped that up to what I am missing about him but

My EX H was a quiet soul introvert some would say.  Looking back I now see that he might have been considered a person with big dreams but didn't really know what his dream were.  I would ask him all the time what his passion was.  He just could not answer that. Never!

He took on likes of people around him.  AKA I loved music, so did he.  I had ideas so he followed them.  He got involved with things his friends did and they became his hobby.  Tennis, Nascar, golf, etc. 

I realized that his friends called him - he never called them or called to go out to do anything.  He would just spend time with them when they called.  Even his best friend he did this with.  I'm guessing he never missed anyone when we moved to a new state.  Out of site out of mind.

He allowed me to do everything and wasn't emotionally there for me.  When we struggled financially he never helped, never said anything I always had to find the answers. I remember talking to him about it excited to be over a hump financially and the excited wasn't there for him.  He just never responded emotionally to anything. 

Even in business stuff I would step in and have to talk to investor, or business people as through I was his mother telling them EX H would not respond to this and I would make the deals.

The bottom line is...is this a trait?  Are we the LBS all the same person as in we ran all the business, we thought our MLC loved everything we did only to find out that his life was really kind of a lie and he just didn't know what kind of eggs he like?  Is this illness only hitting the same kind of people? People who never really knew who they were ever and that puts them into crisis then the blame us for everything because we were controlling everything because we had to?

As people around me have tried talking to me about what is a partnership I'm wondering if my normal wasn't normal and if this MLC is about the same personality types.

So with that being said I would like to start this discussion on personal likes of our MLC person to see if indeed crisis seems to come in certain personalities and other personalities not so much or is it really about issues from the past?

[Beacon]

As people around me have tried talking to me about what is a partnership I'm wondering if my normal wasn't normal and if this MLC is about the same personality types.

Well I don't agree with there being a "Normal" each person has different traits in them and have an idea on what their ideal relationship partner will be. This may be completely different than what others expect. My wife and my relationship is very different from what the "typical" happy marriage is but also shares some similarities. So it's hard to decide what normal is.


I think MLC has very much to do with the past and FOO issues. After research on the topic I can see clearly the issues my W struggled with and how they now effect her in her crisis. Even the behavior you describe of you H sounds a little like FOO issues. Just my opinion though.

[MIMIx]

I was always warned that it was the quiet ones that you had to watch.  My friends said this over and over and I thought it was a ridiculous generalization. Well, the jokes on me!  Turns out they were right. Mr. Quiet Guy was quietly accumulating mental strikes against his life and dreaming of greener pastures.  All under the guise of Mr. Nice Family Man.

 Maybe the nice guy is in there somewhere, buried under layers of anger, insecurity, ungratefulness, and self-centered arrogance.  Maybe this is natures way of releasing them from their own pain.  Unfortunately, they drag their family into their drama and it all becomes one big mess.

 I never saw it coming.  But I should have.

[Slow Fade]

My EX H was a quiet soul introvert some would say.  Looking back I now see that he might have been considered a person with big dreams but didn't really know what his dream were.  I would ask him all the time what his passion was.  He just could not answer that. Never!

He took on likes of people around him.  AKA I loved music, so did he.  I had ideas so he followed them.  He got involved with things his friends did and they became his hobby.  Tennis, Nascar, golf, etc.

I realized that his friends called him - he never called them or called to go out to do anything.  He would just spend time with them when they called.  Even his best friend he did this with.  I'm guessing he never missed anyone when we moved to a new state.  Out of site out of mind.

He allowed me to do everything and wasn't emotionally there for me.  When we struggled financially he never helped, never said anything I always had to find the answers. I remember talking to him about it excited to be over a hump financially and the excited wasn't there for him.  He just never responded emotionally to anything. 

Wow. This sounds just like my H!  Our counselor said he was "Passionately Passionless"; said he worked really hard at not feeling anything!

[OffRoad]

Dang. That is so familiar. It wasn't until I started to relax because the kids were older and I no longer did it all that I realized my h didn't have any real personality that belonged to him. He was a mixture of all of the people he had met over the years. I think he is now trying all kinds of different foods because someone or other has told him X is good, so he HAS to go out and try it. Now he's trying to replicate his father's accomplishments.

But in his case, the Foo issue is that his mother doesn't allow anyone to have their own opinion. With a smile on her face, she tells people that they shouldn't feel bad it could be so much worse (jnvalidating), X is the ONLY kind of *whatever* to buy, if you think the USA  could improve on anything, you should move to another country, etc. You aren't allowed to think differently. How can that not screw you up?

[Searching4Answers]

I have wondered this too.

It seems like there is a "type" of person that this happens to.

[JD]

It is my experience and perspective that most people; LBS and MLCer fit at minimum two types.
Quiet, appearing agreeable but rather passive aggressive, conflict avoidant.

Assertive and leaning toward arrogant, a fixer, somewhat controlling,and tends to take on the lion's share of responsibilities for life and relationship.

Either partner can become resentful.

At first this works, both individuals shore up the others deficiencies.  As time goes on the other perceives behaviours that were once thought as beneficial as now intolerable.
 
Resentment will kill any relationship.

[barbiedoll]

Unconditionalove: I LOVE this topic that you have introduced and I have often pondered a similar question.I could have written your words . I will be following this with great interest .. and hope to discuss it with my therapist.
I remember when the therapist 1st said to me ( in private ) , "your husband is having an identity crisis ". I clearly remember thinking " identity crisis??  I AM his identity ". Just the most bizarre thought process , but , I have always known I could "pick his moods ". Whatever mood I was in, he followed. Whatever opinion I had , he had the same one. Whatever "sayings" I used , I could hear him incorporating them into his discussions. He often gave advise to people .. word for word what he heard on tv or read somewhere. I always knew that about him. He does not have a "personality of his own" and I have recently described him as "hollow". ( god forgive me). The identity tht he "lost" was not his , but pieces of people he "copied" his life. If you have no valid / good role model to teach you and love you ( especially emotionally).. then you have nothing. I know that the extremely traumatic loss of his mother at age 3 , "seered" him into that emotional level and he missed some important developemental stages .. his life was about " surviving " his childhood. My husband has no passion of his own, no deep hobbies or interests, no dreams... he will follow where I lead. I am hoping to see changes as he goes thru "individuation" process with his therapist. This has changed to a certain degree but I can still "bend me, shape me, anyway you want me"... and I hate that.It scares the life out of me . I want a partner not a clone. We have had many many discussions about this ... cautiously , as I sense such a childlike presence that I am very very reluctant to hurt. I see a child in his face ( truly I do) as he searches for answers of his own.I feel incredible compassion for himat those times.. like a mother to a hurt child. Sometimes I think I stay in this marriage as it would feel like child " abandonement" to leave him. Yikes .. that is so warped . !
I absolutely knew , he was not "normal". But his fantastic qualities were lengthy and there was 5 KIDS .. I was not going to leave a marriage and destroy so many people because I was not living a romantic "soap opera". He was emotionally unresponsive/ distant and I could never get what I needed ( I see in hindsight ) and I was frustrated , angry and often cold towards him. BUT, he was a great dad, an extremely hard worker, totally reliable, a fixer of everything that ever went wrong, very very good looking muscle man , friendly , affectionate .. a pleaser, a giver. Everyone loved him.

Quote :  He allowed me to do everything and wasn't emotionally there for me.  When we struggled financially he never helped, never said anything I always had to find the answers. I remember talking to him about it excited to be over a hump financially and the excited wasn't there for him.  He just never responded emotionally to anything. 
I could have written this 100 % . I remember at bomb drop , in monster mode .. he said  " you have controlled everything including ME and if am f-ing done with it !"REALLY??? . HE controlled everything by his silence, his refusal to help, to leave all the decisions to me, to fail to participate as a partner , to offer no opinion and then blame when something went wrong. We are still muddling this out in therapy.. I will not return to a marriage where he was absent.

The bottom line is...is this a trait?  Are we the LBS all the same person as in we ran all the business, we thought our MLC loved everything we did only to find out that his life was really kind of a lie and he just didn't know what kind of eggs he like?  Is this illness only hitting the same kind of people? People who never really knew who they were ever and that puts them into crisis then the blame us for everything because we were controlling everything because we HAD TO!.  BRILLIANT!. I feel every word of this ... I have said this almost word for word in therapy. YOU dare blame me for PULLING YOUR weight because YOU would not or could not??? Like I said ... still in therapy and this frequently ( always actually ) comes up.

I think you are on to something   and I will be following along. I have more to say , as I do understand the reasons for "the way he is" far far better ... but I will stop for now. I thank you ..

[LisaLives]

See if this fits...

http://www.heartspiritmind.com/relationships/relationships-with-emotionally-immature-people/

[Slow Fade]

But in his case, the Foo issue is that his mother doesn't allow anyone to have their own opinion. With a smile on her face, she tells people that they shouldn't feel bad it could be so much worse (jnvalidating), X is the ONLY kind of *whatever* to buy, if you think the USA  could improve on anything, you should move to another country, etc. You aren't allowed to think differently. How can that not screw you up?

Yes and yes! This is my MIL to a "T"!!!!!

 

Is this illness only hitting the same kind of people? People who never really knew who they were ever and that puts them into crisis then the blame us for everything because we were controlling everything because we HAD TO!.  BRILLIANT!. I feel every word of this

I relate to this as well. Its like an epiphany for me! Yes, yes!