[Roma]

What are ways to start to rebuild trust after an A suspected, fantasy, EA  or PA w/ your MLCer, without putting any pressure on them? What are ways to not feel like it might happen again?

[Thunder]

El, that's HIS job, not yours.

He has to gain your trust again.  He broke it, let him fix it.
There is no way you can be sure he won't do it again.

[Roma]

Very true Thunder yet all I was asking if anyone might know of any trust building exercises. And how to re gain trust again?

I remember the first RCR articles I read, she had us self hypnotize and other strategies to not even think of the infidelity. That was great yet it had us to just avoid the issue.

What about when they come out of this and come back to us? What mind frame have others used and had to get to and how to trust again?

A person has to work through a lot to get to the point of allowing the MLCer back in their heart. I was asking what ways did they do that?

I know for me, trust doesn't come easy.

I'm seeing a lot of new purple icons, which is great! I'm curious what others are doing to get to the point of trusting once again? Or if anyone has any ideas or strategies from articles or sites?

[OldPilot]

Trust Actions not words.

I think the point is to have boundaries that can not be broken.

Trust but Verify!

[Thunder]

Right, OP.

Also I think if the MLCer comes back, is remorseful and truly tries to make amends and is open about everything, part of it is just time and having faith in what they are doing.  No on can ever be 100% certain.

I don't think there is any certain thing you can do to gain your trust back. jmho

[Seeing The Light]

Attaching... it's too early in my journey to even know what to do since the EA was happening under my nose to begin with.  I like OP's response about trust actions not words.

[heroIam]

I have thought about this......
I think the work we do on ourselves would be the test and challenge within us as to whether we can or are able to Trust again.  Yes, I agree,  H or W has work to do too, but without first being able to trust again within inside yourself and be strong inside, there won't be much of a relationship.  It is not only up to the MLCer.  They definitely need to make strong effort, but do you trust in yourself again to be able to trust.

[Roma]

I agree Hero! Couldn't have said it better myself. I've been trying to find articles on helping yourself be able to trust again, yet haven't had much luck. Been pretty busy and I've got to get ready for work soon, so I'll try again later or even try to find something from work since. If I find something I'll post it when I return later tonight.

[The lighthouse]

I like this little phrase:

Trust = Consistency + Honesty + Time


First, I think we have to be witnessing CONSISTENCY in the MLC'ers actions.  We as LBS's have to be prepared to accept that in reconnection/reconciliation there will be some teething problems and TRUST OURSELVES that we can and will deal with them as they come up. If we get to the reconciliation stage there would need to be clear boundaries and deal breakers put in place. 

There would need to be HONESTY with ourselves, and each other.  I think we would recognise dishonesty from them fairly quickly the second time around because we would be approaching things with the rose coloured glasses off and we know what they are capable of.

Last, we have to accept that trusting them again will take TIME - lots of time.  We also have to be realistic and accept that we may never trust them unreservedly again, but we can TRUST OURSELVES.

Trusting ourselves comes from knowing we can handle what they do, not in being able to predict what they do.  The amount we trust depends on how strong we are and knowing that we can handle our MLC'ers imperfections.  We have to decide that we will be ok no matter what happens.  That we've been through it before, and if we need to we will get through it again and be ok.  We have to back ourselves first, not them. 

I hope that makes sense.

[Finding Hope]

Elegance,

The lighthouse is so right. Consistency, that's the key. When my husband started letting me know that he wanted our marriage, I told him that he needed to live in a glass house. That I would not tolerate anymore lies, half truths. That is was his job to show that I could trust him, and at that point I didn't.

With that being said, I did my best to show that I was willing to give it some time. Their so secretive and dishonest I'm sure its hard to just stop the bad behavior. I saw slowly before he told me he wanted our marriage small things. He left his phone out instead of hiding it. He would call at let me know when he was leaving work, or who he went to lunch with.

He stays at his dad's house 2 nights a week because of the commute. Did it long before MLC, so that was a big one for me. But, since I had worked really hard on me, and had let go of his bad behavior, it was easier.

When he did leave his phone out, or tell me who was calling or who he was texting, I didn't overreact, I just said that I appreciated it. THEN LET IT GO. I told him what I would and wouldn't be OK with but didn't beat it into his head. I had to show him that I was willing to "wait and see" his trying to change.

When he did slip, and it was never anything major, I would just tell him that whatever it was made me uncomfortable. The major thing, in my opinion is, there's going to be times when WE THINK their up to something. I did my best not to jump to conclusions because in the past when I did that I was always wrong. At this point I had to get to know him all over again because the man I loved hadn't been there for years. So I had to just watch and keep my mouth shut. I had to let him know that I wasn't going to kick his butt over anything I thought wasn't right. I trusted my gut, always. 

I had to make sure he felt like I knew he was trying without Stroking him all the time. That was rough for me. Tell him I noticed things that he was doing to try, and let him know when he did something that made me uncomfortable without him thinking that I was attacking him.

They really are a hot mess still when they want to reconnect, they know we don't trust them and that we aren't the same person. He really didn't know me either. I never reminded him of what he did to me, to us. He knew. One time when he left the tunnel, I asked him, do you have any idea what you've done to me? He looked at me and said, yes I live with that everyday. For the first time in all this mess, I saw the look on his face and knew he was in pain because of it. So, from that point on, I had to let him know, by my actions that I was willing to forgive him. Now forgetting is something else, that I will never do. But as time goes by memories fade.

I made him feel safe with me. When they come back, they are beaten. They're gone through some things that most of us will never fully understand. Heck, he tells me all the time, I was in a fog. I believe him. He almost lost his family, he knows that. No reason for me to rub it in his face.

And the lighthouse is right, we know the signs. Honesty, trust, it's not going to come back in a day, week, month. Be patient. Hopefully you've made the changes that will make you more capable to set your boundaries, and stand by them. He still gets a little impatient with the fact that I'm still setting back, watching. That I don't just throw myself at his feet in gratitude. I just go up to him, hug him and say I have to do this in my own time. I didn't rush you so don't rush me He gets it.

And they do come back with a ton of imperfections, broken. This is where we are stronger, and are willing to hold out a helping hand, if needed. They are trying to piece together not only themselves, but their marriage and family. This is a new road for both of us, good thing is, we're on the same path this time.

HUGS
FH