[Absolutely Fabulous]

Just wanted to know who went No contact early, and who didn't. What are your results so far?

I was monstered at until I went NC. I did this early, and I noticed that the Ex is now starting to show signs that he's at least having some clarity. It's only been about 2 years since BD and almost a year since we divorced.

He admitted to the kids that he's responsible for the divorce, regrets the divorce, and apologized to them for what has happened. He also admitted that he hasn't been there for them.

I've been really consistent with NC, and it was even a part of our divorce decree.

My opinion: go NC fast. I feel like this would have been prolonged had I'd paved the way.

What have been your experiences?

[Thunder]

I never really did NC.

Things are pretty good now.
I have no idea if going NC would have mattered or not.

I can definitely see it's good for some but in my case there really was no reason for it.

[Wonder no more]

I had a Clinging Boomerang and never went NC.  I did go dim for awhile for my own sanity.  We are reconciled, BD was in 2010. I think it's a tool needed for the LBS's sake, in many cases, especially when the MLCer is verbally abusive.

[Velika]

M3G, I agree with you 100 percent. I feel it should be number one recommendation on this site. In my experience more contact = more damage if monster is at all present.

I think a person in MLC cannot tell fantasy from reality. No contact is an immediate consequence of behavior and also a powerful reality check.

I didn't do no contact until eight months in. Bomb drop was one year ago.

My husband still is not taking responsibility for this. Until he can (and it may be never): No contact.

[Thunder]

They say you should go NC for you, not as a form of punishment.

If they are Monstering at you or being abusive in any way, NC is a nice boundary for your mental health.

[Reallytrying]

I certainly don't think no contact should be a blanket recommendation on the site.  It has to be what makes sense for each person.  I have never gone no contact - I go dim sometimes.  I have no intention of ever going NC - we have children together and part of our decisions to coparent mean we have quite a bit of contact.  NC has to be about the LBS not as a consequence for MLC behavior.  I don't think there is any research that suggests one way or the other wakes them up sooner.  I learned ways to stop monster by simply not reacting or walking away.  The decision for contact vs. not is a personal one based on specifics and nuances of individual situations.

[Thunder]

I agree Really.

I'm not a fan of and rarely suggest someone should go NC.  It's got to be a pretty abusive relationship and it is wearing the person out.
Co-parenting would be almost impossible to do with no contact at all. 

[Absolutely Fabulous]

I certainly don't think no contact should be a blanket recommendation on the site.  It has to be what makes sense for each person.  I have never gone no contact - I go dim sometimes.  I have no intention of ever going NC - we have children together and part of our decisions to coparent mean we have quite a bit of contact.  NC has to be about the LBS not as a consequence for MLC behavior.  I don't think there is any research that suggests one way or the other wakes them up sooner.  I learned ways to stop monster by simply not reacting or walking away.  The decision for contact vs. not is a personal one based on specifics and nuances of individual situations.

Good points, it depends on the sitch. I have 2 minor children at home as well, and one adult child living on her own. I still went NC. I'm only DD when it's necessary. Now that I don't react, I've seen some changes. In my case, paving the way was detrimental. Thank God for those on the site that supported me in my decision to go NC. I had peace the minute I made that shift.

For me it wasn't about punishment, it was about stopping the abuse. I had to make a choice: continue taking it, and having it affect my younger 2 girls, or take a chance and see what happens. I chose taking a chance. It seems to have made a difference. I think it would've definitely prolonged what I, and my kids were going through.

[Velika]

M3G, I agree with you. I actually think a harder line helps in many cases. I'm not saying an angry line. But very firm boundaries. From what I have read in the articles, no contact is recommended as a consequence of the affair.

My husband had an open fantasy that we would be good friends. At first I thought that if I could show him I was friendly he would of course wake up and realize what was he thinking. It didn't work that way. In his mind I think his fantasy was working out.

However, every case is different and I think that some MLCers (like RT's husband) are quite kind and involved.

I might change my position later, but your discussion topic caught my eye because it is something I have thought a lot about lately.

[Ready2Transform]

If I had it to do over again, I would have gone NC and divorced right away. But it is what it is (to quote all of them!). Mine was a clinger for a little over a year after BD. When he filed the D, I know he expected me to contact and soothe - he had people reaching out to me almost immediately to test the waters, and he never changed his mailing address (the mail had been his excuse for contact for a long time). But I decided that it didn't make sense to continue playing this game. I wanted to save my marriage. If we were getting divorced, that didn't happen. So no reason to try to have a relationship with this person. We talked at our hearing 9 months later, he made sure he could still come back at that point, and it was over two more years before we spoke again. He used various joint ties during that time to monster and control me. But I reached out to him last year because he stopped talking to his attorneys. Since then, we've had semi-regular contact, mostly initiated by him. I am in a much better place to deal with it. Leaving him to it showed him what life without me is like, and allowed the OW to completely overtake his life. If he's happy with that, then we're both happy. If he's not, then at least I am.