[MelanieB]

xH is very balding, very conflict avoidant, fits the textbook "passive aggressive", also diabetic, high cholesterol and hypertensive.  But absolutely thought he should extra gold stars every day for his ability to avoid arguments, (like Faith's H).  A real HERO for not voicing an opinion (this is what he thought;  I obviously thought differently).   

[LoveMeMyself]

Trusting, my xH showed up at the house back in October and had on "teenage" clothes......all black and tight, stretch type shirt.  I even noticed his black shoes had Velcro straps......I've also seen him in his full black leather attire for riding his motor.  I didn't show him any shock or disapproval of how he looked..........not to his face.  I just waited until I was alone and just shook my head and smirked at the silliness of it all.  I haven't seen him since so I have no idea where he's at in this MLC circus.  I also noticed that he was getting his hair cut very, very short.  He did the extreme exercising also.........for a few months and then stopped and then started again.  It's strange.

[BonBon]

Lots of hair, little grey but big time conflict avoider and while in MLC, very passive aggressive.

Looks young for his age though gained weight a few years ago.  Took weight off, then bulked up with gigantic muscles, bought new and tight clothes, carries hair and primping products with him in the car, spends tons of time in front of the mirror and glancing at anything reflective.  Considered very good looking and admittedly terrified of losing that.  Like I care.  Never cared about his looks.  Look where that got me.

Steals my anti-aging products....but I put a stop to that and said BUY YOUR OWN!  LOL!

Bonnie

[trusting]

Bonnie, my H also started buying some anti-aging products for a bit there, too.  I don't think he really ever used them much!  CLEARLY the getting older thing really bothers them!

LMM - I have never said anything about the style of clothes to my H, and I had plenty of opportunities.  I would just be inwardly rolling my eyes and laughing.  His MLC friends (which as far as I know are the only friends he really has that he keeps in contact with) are a good 15 years younger than him, and I saw it as trying to dress just like them, even down to his facial hair. 

[JustFine&Dandy]

My H has thinning hair, but not bad.

He is VERY passive aggressive always tries to avoid conflict.  During this ordeal, he has said things like, "I'm tired of trying to make everyone happy" and "now I need to take care of myself."  He also admits to not being where he wants in life (working in warehouse/factory jobs instead of being successful playing music).

[BonBon]

Trusting,
Glad you mentioned the facial hair.  My H grew a goatee and said he liked that it made him look like a bad-a**, edgy, and as if he was telling the world to "f" off.  Hmmm.  Funny thing was, it DID look like that so every time I looked at him, I thought he was indeed telling me to "F" off.  lol.

JFF - same here.  Unhappy with career, station in life and tired of making everyone happy.  Sigh.

Bonnie

[Still]

My h also colors his goatee. He never cared about gray hairs pre-MLC. Now, he constantly primps in the bathroom....coloring this, trimming that, uses cologne now...never did before.

[Rollercoasterider]

The main discussion here is not so much about balding and grey but about nature versus nurture.

Balding or receding and greying are natural consequences of aging. Yes, the degree to which these happen in an individual are hormonal--which is typically genetic, though perhpas lifestyle and environment--chemicals, diet etc. may also have an affect.

But the greatest factor to how a person handles life transitions is nurture, not nature (genetics). Genetics may increase susceptibility--such as those with a greater tendency toward addiction. You may see familial patterns either because of such addictive or other tendencies, but in particular because of repetition in family dynamics--those who are abused often become abusers.

MLCers typically have an historical pattern of poor coping skills when going through life transitions. The midlife transition has a lot to integrate and thus those who have failed to successfully integrate during other transitions will have a significantly greater crisis than their previous transitional crises. Why do they have these poor coping skills? Usually due to upbringing--trauma and crisis in their formative years. This does not mean their parents did anything wrong; trauma may be the death or illness of a parent or sibling. But the younger MLCer did not process and release, but rather buried the fears within their Shadow.

[Still]

Another thing that has been pointed out to me several times is my H's narcissistic behaviors. He is very self-absorbed now....HE only exists.....with the kids occasionally.

One of my good friends pointed out that she has always seen my H as self-centered, prior to MLC. He is an athlete and has gone all over the country to compete in various events. I always enjoyed attending, until my twins were born and it made things much more difficult. Still, H continued to travel and do these things. I always felt I was being a "good wife" by encouraging the trips and supporting him, congratulating him. Of course, in those days he always included me in every aspect. I didn't look at it the same way.

Anyway, the other day, I was cleaning out a closet. I found bin after bin of clippings he had saved about race results, awards, cards, notes.....all kinds of congratulatory things. Some of these went as far back as elementary school. I truly feel that my H never considered himself good enough. I don't think it was narcissism as much as it was to convince himself of his worth. Why else would someone save clippings from elementary school? He has lots of abandonment issues as a child....kind of thrown away by his dad and later by his mom. Sad really.

[trusting]

JFF - same here.  Unhappy with career, station in life and tired of making everyone happy.  Sigh.

Mine has said the exact same things.

It is amazing how many similarities there are between MLCers.

MLCers typically have an historical pattern of poor coping skills when going through life transitions. The midlife transition has a lot to integrate and thus those who have failed to successfully integrate during other transitions will have a significantly greater crisis than their previous transitional crises.

I posted on a thread earlier this week about whether my H had had a previous crisis, and he did but on a much, much smaller scale.   I really can't quite figure out what in his childhood caused him to have such poor coping skills (and looking back, I can see this in many different ways through the almost 20 years I have known him).  I can't think of anything "major," but I do think he didn't feel validated enough as a child.  I have also recently begun to realize that his mom, who is a wonderful lady, just is very shut off from her emotions to the point that it is bothering my H now as it has become glaringly obvious and I wonder what part that might play in this, among other things.  His family has a tendency to ignore or push aside/ not discuss the unpleasant and sometimes you just have to face things head on and deal with them.  Maybe he just never was taught how to do that.

Just thinking aloud here . . . (when I should be working