I absolutely agree that this post is a good reminder that there are no guarantees, and how important Mirror Work is if an LBS is to heal from the damage of BD and move forward in their own fulfilling life.
That becoming healthy is the best thing one can do anything to influence a possible return, if an LBS even wants one day.
Since this is a “discussion” thread, and not a “full agreement” thread, I did want to share how some of the messages in this post landed with me, though.
I thought long and hard about posting this, even slept on it, because in many ways it is easiest to just let it go. Then there's also that niggling thing about teaching others how to treat you....so.....
Even though RCR has stated she is not trying to destroy hope, and I believe that, there are aspects of this post that I did find quite discouraging.
Rollercoasterrider's latest blog post:
“The passage of time does not carry some magical meaning or formula. Your MLCer will not simply come out of their crisis someday and want to come home.
Consider the reconciliations you know about, how much time was there from Bomb Drop to Reconciliation? Most reconciliations happen in the early years. That is not to say that they do not happen later, but the odds go down with time.”
Yes, statistics on marriage separations do support that the number of reconciliations diminish over time.
Yet, when I consider the reconciliations I personally know in RL, the timelines are: 6 years; 7 years; 2 years; 7 months and 18 years.
My observation of the forum suggests that reconciliations at 3 – 5 years seem to be the most common.
So, no, the odds aren’t good.
But I’m not sure how reminding people -- who already know the odds aren’t good -- that the odds aren’t good could be anything but discouraging.
I’m sorry to blunt in making this point, but I can’t imagine telling a friend with a cancer diagnosis, “I don't want to discourage you. But, you know, the odds aren’t good.”
Rollercoasterrider's latest blog post:
“Waiting Patiently
Your MLCer is not more likely to return home simply because you wait and wait and wait for years and years—or even if you don’t spend that time waiting. Though patience is important, waiting is not a method that will get you to your Big Goal. Victims and stuck people wait. Life will pass you by while you wait. Standing is not still; Being is still; Standing is active and about living. Unfortunately, people do Stand by waiting rather than by continuing to live a full and joyous life—and yes, I do understand and accept that recovery to an active and joyous life takes time, but it is not supposed to take forever.”
So, who gets to assess which is which?
By what criteria?
So much of our stories are based on selective snippets that are shared, and viewed through the lens of a reader's perceptions, not the full reality of the writer.
How do you tell the difference between “waiting” and “letting time do its work”?
How do you tell the difference between “waiting” and “living a full, content and quiet life”?
Who determines “active”? And the degree of “active” that is “healthy”?
These are sincere questions; I’m not being facetious.
Reconciliation is Not Guaranteed
You probably already knew that there was not a guarantee of reconciliation, but some of you may not have realized or accepted that the odds are at this time stacked against you. I’d love for us to change that, but let’s face it, that goal goes against society. Those who are the most susceptible to the idea of a guarantee tend to be those who base their Stand on a religious platform. Ask and ye shall receive is not an unlimited promise without conditions. I cannot tell you why God works as he does or how, but I can tell you that no amount of praying or hardship or perfect behavior will give you a guarantee of reconciliation on earth—Heaven is another matter and I have not been granted that level of knowledge or understanding.
Yah, the odds are stacked against us.
We know.
But where is the evidence to support this "susceptibility"?
And why is it even a point of conversation?
I've been here for over two years now. I've seen many members make it clear that their faith is an important consideration for their stand.
I haven’t noticed anyone suggesting having faith is a guarantee their spouse will come back.
A source of hope and comfort? Yes.
A motivation? Yes
A guarantee? I haven't seen it.
In my opinion, it is possible that individuals with a "name it and claim it"/ "ask and it shall be given" orientation
might be most likely to believe reconciliation is possible against seeming impossible odds, or after an inordinate amount of time.
But this is true of adherents to the Law of Attraction and similar affirmation/visualization beliefs as it is to those with a “faith platform”.
I would actually argue that people with “faith platforms” are the
least susceptible to the idea of a guarantee for the very reason that those with a “faith platform” are most likely to believe life is outside of one's own direct control.
And that even though praying, kind behaviour and acceptance of hardship are choices that guide a personal standard for living, these actions are not a guarantee regarding what will happen while you are living.
In my opinion, there’s an inherent contradiction on this site that we all deal with one way or another, every single day.
The MLC process takes what – 2 to 7 years? 3 to 10 years?
We are told to use the gift of time.
That watching timelines is not helpful.
So, the longer this goes on, is it more likely-- or less likely -- that MLC
might end and there
might be a reconciliation?
Nobody knows.
Or, God only knows.
I don’t see that the people with a ‘religious platform’ who believe 'God only knows' express that as a guarantee.
Nor is one’s faith any more -- or any less -- a legitimate guide for making one's way through the ugly season we call MLC.
Religious beliefs (of all faiths or no faith and everywhere in between) are a core part of the identity of many members.
Everyone has their own motivations and influences for starting, continuing, or ending their stand.
Those who choose to stand for the long term have their reasons, and all of those reasons are worthy of respect.
Reconciliation: If You Stand, Will Your MLCer Return?
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