[Braveheart]

Braveheart, wanting to return, or reconciliations? They are two different things.

A few years ago it was probably too soon to have a good idea of thing.

We are now on a timeline of MLC average 3-10 years, HS is 6. Early on the timeline of MLC average was, I think, 2-5 years.

How did you did the rates if we do not know the info on many members? What criteria did you use?

Thank you, In It. 

When I used grandmother as an example, and said I am doing things to help her, I was not suggesting we should be doing to help our MLCers or try to influence their crisis. I was refering to the odds and how sometimes things may not confom to those odds.

Number 1. The idea that a substantial number of MLC'ers wanted to come back, but could not because their X had moved on or would not take them back is pure speculation by some members of this forum. It's largely anecdotal stories someone heard from a great Aunt or cousin.

Number 2. It really does not matter what the statisitics are for members of this forum, other data is available. What it tells us is reconciliations across the board for divorced couples according to a number of studies on marriage, divorce and remarriage run about 6%. Of that number, how many were MLC related does not matter, even if every marriage split was caused by a MLC 6% is 6%.

Number 3. All time lines posted on this forum are speculations. Of the studies I looked at Reconciliations with x spouses happened either relatively quickly ( within the length of the divorce process or shortly after) or well after any timeline suggested on this forum, many of them 20-30 years after they were originally divorced.

All this information can be found pretty easily visa a websearch under marriage and divorce statisitics. I believe I did post links to the Data way back the first time I brought this up close to five years ago.... Not many liked it then either, but it is the reality we are dealing with.

[Anjae]

Here is a list of board members who no longer post but are reconciled or in reconnection (by now, it is possible those in reconnection are reconcilled, but I do not have info on them). Their stories are in the Inactive Story Threads board. Evas still posts, but on others threads, not on her own.

To those, it is necessary to add reconnecting or reconciled members who stories may be on the annual stories and have stop posting, and the ones who never got purple. Be it because purple was not around at the time or because they have stop posting and we do not have an update.

If those dark and light purple threads were on the main board, the main board may look a little different. But there is not enough space and Inactive Stories get archived.

Reconciled (dark purple):

HappierDaysAhead22 - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6076.0

hyperglad - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5394.0

Resilient - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6680.0

evas - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5813.0

Mamma Bear - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5731.0

marriagerecovery - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3971.0

Patience - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2144.0

Sassyone - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2728.0

ForeverStander - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5242.0

Reconnection (light purple):

emerging_butterfly - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4615.0

eternity - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6561.0

[Trustandlove]

The beauty of life is that it is LIFE -- not just statistics.  This site was always that bit different from the other MLC sites which definitely had more of a "there's no point, as reconciliations are so rare". 

If one doesn't see the possibility of a reconciliation of course behaviour is going to be different.  I don't see HS as peddling false hope (as other forums have accused it of doing), I see it as pointing out that there CAN be hope.  That having hope is fine, as long as it isn't a crutch that prevents the LBS from living. 

There is so much valuable information here, especially about how to respond, not react, the unconditionals, all things that improve our lives immeasurably. 

When all this happened a number of people said "well, I could never get past what he/she did to me, so don't even think about trying".  But having hope also means having hope for our own growth.

The lessons I have learned here have helped immeasurably in so many difficult situations in life, I can be grateful for that even if my H hasn't returned.  And all because they let me see that there CAN be a way through. 

And to add to the many views on why the odds go down with time; one possibility is that in the case of MLCers who do a lot of damage, the more time passes the more damage they can do. And the more damage the LBS can do, actually.   

Hence the need to detach and protect ourselves, which is what this site teaches. 

It will be interesting to see RCRs responses to these threads! 

[Songanddance]

I said nothing about a hidden agenda, and haven't even suggested there is one. I said nothing about the mentor team.

I realize I have a direct way of speaking. And that directness is obviously viewed as criticism, when it is not the intent. I'll work on that.

Perhaps if the lens on me were more one of recognizing that my comments also come from a place of care and support, that would also help.

Onward - my use of hidden agenda was not in response to your comments but a general statement for the post.

The mod/mentor team are one and the same in practice.  If you note most of us have moderator under our names but we are actually all mentors in the first instance with limited moderation tasks, should we choose to use them and that usually means merging short threads etc. It is ultimately Anjae and OP who have much higher moderation level.
So when you mention the mod team you are also referring to the mentor team. 

I absolutely agree with you that your comments are coming from a level of support and care. Your threads have always been interesting and enlightening.

Re speaking directly - that's your style and there are quite a few members who do speak very directly and thank goodness they do.  Challenge is with any forum as LP or Phoenix stated ages ago - you cannot control how those words are interpreted by the reader and tone of voice cannot possibly be heard either so there is always always going to be mis-interpretation.

So what I am about to say is with a soft friendly but firm tone.. I chose to defend RCR and the team because I thought (note I thought) that you did not have the facts about the way the team works and wished to clarify a few points.  My personal response was that I felt (note I felt) that you were criticising the team and RCR which I personally felt was unfair.   

[Reallytrying]

The beauty of life is that it is LIFE -- not just statistics.  This site was always that bit different from the other MLC sites which definitely had more of a "there's no point, as reconciliations are so rare". 

If one doesn't see the possibility of a reconciliation of course behaviour is going to be different.  I don't see HS as peddling false hope (as other forums have accused it of doing), I see it as pointing out that there CAN be hope.  That having hope is fine, as long as it isn't a crutch that prevents the LBS from living. 

There is so much valuable information here, especially about how to respond, not react, the unconditionals, all things that improve our lives immeasurably. 

When all this happened a number of people said "well, I could never get past what he/she did to me, so don't even think about trying".  But having hope also means having hope for our own growth.

The lessons I have learned here have helped immeasurably in so many difficult situations in life, I can be grateful for that even if my H hasn't returned.  And all because they let me see that there CAN be a way through. 

And to add to the many views on why the odds go down with time; one possibility is that in the case of MLCers who do a lot of damage, the more time passes the more damage they can do. And the more damage the LBS can do, actually.   

Hence the need to detach and protect ourselves, which is what this site teaches. 

It will be interesting to see RCRs responses to these threads!

Love this! Especially the line about having hope also meaning hope for our own growth. I agree!!!!!!  When I came here it gave me hope that I would make it out of this. Not necessarily as a reconciled marriage but certainly as a better woman.

[evas]

Anjae,
NotGivingUpOnU is also reconciled with her husband.

[Trustandlove]

as is evas.....

But to respond to Reallytrying -- When I came here yes, what I wanted was a reconciled marriage.  I still do, even though I recognise that it really may not happen.  We can want many things that we can't have....

But learning to become a better person is the bonus, that which will help us live a much better life in all ways. 

And having hope, rather than begging, is what actually does make it all possible. 

[OldPilot]

Anjae,
NotGivingUpOnU is also reconciled with her husband.

Yes she is but she has a current thread on the community board,
this was a list of people with no current threads.

If you click on the PURPLE icon at the top of the board it will give you the current list of people.

[heroIam]

Sada has also reconnected.  As I'm sure there were others that have not been on the board for some time.

TrustandLove - thanks for your post.  That was very well said. 


Edit - she has a thread on the forum currently - OP

[Trustandlove]

Thank you...  I don't often find myself expressing myself very well, perhaps that day I did better

But I wanted to add something:  When I said "having hope also means having hope for our own growth", I should have added:

Having hope ALSO means having hope for our own ability to forgive, for our ability to have compassion, for our ability to do the work that would be necessary for a reconciliation to work.

It is different ways of saying the same thing:  that we need to get healthy, for if our MLCers do return it may not be easy (OK, probably won't be easy), but that we should trust that we CAN do it.

Probably not as eloquent, but I hope the idea gets across...