[Nas]

Here is a list of board members who no longer post but are reconciled or in reconnection (by now, it is possible those in reconnection are reconcilled, but I do not have info on them). Their stories are in the Inactive Story Threads board. Evas still posts, but on others threads, not on her own.

To those, it is necessary to add reconnecting or reconciled members who stories may be on the annual stories and have stop posting, and the ones who never got purple. Be it because purple was not around at the time or because they have stop posting and we do not have an update.

If those dark and light purple threads were on the main board, the main board may look a little different. But there is not enough space and Inactive Stories get archived.

Reconciled (dark purple):

HappierDaysAhead22 - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6076.0

hyperglad - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5394.0

Resilient - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6680.0

evas - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5813.0

Mamma Bear - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5731.0

marriagerecovery - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=3971.0

Patience - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2144.0

Sassyone - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2728.0

ForeverStander - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5242.0

Reconnection (light purple):

emerging_butterfly - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4615.0

eternity - http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6561.0

I'm following this discussion, but have not jumped in because quite honestly, I haven't fully worked out where I am on the whole thing.

But I'm glad Anjae provided this list and I did want to add that I sometimes read the archived discussion threads and when I read a comment that resonates, I always look at the profile of the person who commented. (On a side note, I do really, really wish more people would complete their profiles and also update them as time goes on - although I know everyone is busy and that's not something that is usually on the top of anyone's priority list!)

Anyway, I very often see profiles where the person was last active years ago but their status shows living apart and rebuilding, or rebuilding, or something similar.
One I came across last night was a member named Rebel Yell who has not been active on the forum since 2014.

I think I will just start keeping a running list of these and post it.

[OldPilot]

One I came across last night was a member named Rebel Yell who has not been active on the forum since 2014.

Yes he was re-connecting with his wife and she was aware of this site, and he needed to leave and have his threads moved to a safe spot.

[heroIam]

But I wanted to add something:  When I said "having hope also means having hope for our own growth", I should have added:

Having hope ALSO means having hope for our own ability to forgive, for our ability to have compassion, for our ability to do the work that would be necessary for a reconciliation to work.

It is different ways of saying the same thing:  that we need to get healthy, for if our MLCers do return it may not be easy (OK, probably won't be easy), but that we should trust that we CAN do it.   

This is very, very true.  Just had a discussion today with IC about this.

[osb]

Following this discussion with great interest, but honestly feel a little awkward posting (being in the purple). Tolstoy said "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." ...but my experience as an LBS was very similar to everyone else's (script, no?), and my experiences during rebuilding don't seem to overtly overlap with many others. So I don't comment or post often.

Is it important to have hope? Even if it's faint? I'd vote yes, in this context; there are enough websites out there that can tell you how to dump the bum, how to never have a relationship with a loser again, how to effectively cut your losses and move on. Safe, conventional, easier. This is the only place I know that suggests how to craft a new life for yourself while in limbo; how to strengthen legs that haven't been walked on for a while; how to forgive yourself while also (perhaps?) permitting you to forgive your MLCer. None of that requires reconciliation, true. But some of it needs at least the hope of eventual reconciliation, to make the hard personal work feel worthwhile at the outset. And yes, eventually we transfer that feeling of hope into hope for our own growth, rather than our spouses'. It took me a helluva time to realize this journey was all about me. I kept turning my head covertly to see if my H was following (and he never did, dang it). Think he only got off his duff and started walking forward when I was well out of sight, and he had no choice but to eat my dust or move.

The only difference I perceive between the aforementioned approaches, and this one, is that Standing is a term of grace that permits one to recover from despair without bitterness. Whether we choose to share that recovery with a recovering spouse is (in some cases) our gift. In some cases, time and space and bumbling slow recovery do put that out of reach (but that's not a failure of the original premise). Each longterm Stander's thread here tells a story of grace and serenity, painfully hard-won (quite irrespective of their eventual marital status).

Fwiw my job regularly requires breaking bad news, with lousy statistics, and counseling patients. "It's not likely to work" isn't a phrase I'd start a conversation with. It might be required later. Much later. The difficulty is, we all will encounter RCR's essay at different points in our conversation on MLC, and may be varyingly ready to hear it. And in the end, what happens to each one of us in life is not a statistic; it's our N of 1, and 100% of our personal outcome, however vanishingly rare the likelihood of that particular outcome might have been from the start. So even at that point, quoting the stats doesn't help.

[calamity]

Great, thoughtful post osb.  You make so much sense.

[Anjae]

Wonderful post, osb.

[speed racer]

I haven't had a chance to read all of the reconciliation links yet,
but were any of these reconciliations after divorcing?  or were they all
still married / separated or even still living together with the treat of divorce.

I plan on reading them when I get home.

Thanks,
Speed

[beyondblessed]

I made the decision early on that I did not wish for my now ex-spouse to return.  It had nothing to do with statistics....which are just meaningless numbers in this case,  and more to do with the fact that since he ran away in search of a better life for himself, my life has become my own again.  I freely admit that in the18 years I spent in the company of his toxic personality, I slowly let it seep under my own skin. 

It has more to do with a person's particular position and situation, rather than playing the numbers game.  One must take an honest, open and often painful look at themselves to be sure where they stand.

[Nas]

**Disclaimer: What I'm about to post means nothing.

I'm in total agreement with all that has been said about mirror work, self-focus, standing doesn't mean standing still, etc.  I'm reading all with great interest.

Today I was procrastinating for an hour instead of starting a very boring work assignment.  I read through the first 12 pages of the members list.

**Again, this information means nothing...or something, or everything, depending on how you look at it:

There are 30 members listed on each page.
In the first 12 pages, I collected a list of 17 members, 15 who have not been active in years, whose statuses were "rebuilding."
At least 1 per page, or at least 1 in 30, which, again, means nothing scientifically or really otherwise.
There's no way to know if the 15 inactive members successfully rebuilt.  There's no way to know if they were not successful either.

In addition to the 17 rebuilding, I also found 3 with statuses of "home after a brief separation." 
Maybe those became successfully rebuilt marriages.
Maybe those were failed early returns.
Who knows?

The majority of inactive members on those first 12 pages had not filled out their profiles. 

So do I have a point?  Not really.  Just that
a) I really, really, really wanted to avoid my boring work project. 
b)we don't know what happens to a huge majority of members, but
c) there is hope, especially if you look for it, and
d) the most important thing is still focusing on ourselves, protecting ourselves, taking responsibility for own happiness, knowing who we are and what we want for ourselves, moving forward and, if we want to remain standing, choosing to see hope...even if sometimes it appears to be hiding itself from us.

[Anjae]

There are 30 members listed on each page.
In the first 12 pages, I collected a list of 17 members, 15 who have not been active in years, whose statuses were "rebuilding."
At least 1 per page, or at least 1 in 30, which, again, means nothing scientifically or really otherwise.
There's no way to know if the 15 inactive members successfully rebuilt.  There's no way to know if they were not successful either.

What board were you looking at, Nassau? There are only 9 pages when logged-on (logged off, to my knowldege does not allow for profile info to be seen) on the Community Board. The person on the Community board who has the thread that was used longer ago is No doormat, last posted March 23, 2016, last active March 27, 2016.

That was some months ago, not years.

Are you talking about the Archives? There is an Archive for each year 2010 to 2016 and an Archive for Inactive Stories.

As for people having rebuilding on their profile, it may not mean much. People put on their profile what they think their situation is, not what it may really be. That is why purple icons are to be used only with permission.

This said, we do know that some are reconnecting and reconciled, but had stop posting.

Speed, 31, one of HS mods/mentos is divoced and reconciled. You can find her most recent thread here: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=6789.0

The links on the list on this thread are only for people who are no longer posting. Here is the link for the board reconciliations stories that we know of (it may incomplete since there are many threads in the archives and, in the past, there were no purple icons): http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1872.0