[MoreWillBeRevealed]

12 Steps for Left Behind Spouses by More Will be Revealed

I am in a 12 step program that has helped me immensely with this MLC nightmare. I often think how I wished there was a 12 step program for LBS so you could all benefit as I have. Since we don’t have such a program, I thought I’d share my version of the 12 steps as they pertain to MLC.

1. We admitted we were powerless over our MLCer, that our lives had become unmanageable.
This means we practice complete SURRENDER. We have no, I mean zero, control over our MLCer, their behaviors, the OW/OM, basically everything and anything to do with MLC. However, we ARE responsible for OUR own recovery. We must make this admission ourselves. No one can do it for us.

2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
This Power could be the MLC forum, your mentor, God, or a “Higher Power.” As long as this Power is loving and caring and greater than you, believe in it. You MUST practice open-mindedness and, as such, WILL be restored to sanity.

3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Turn your MLCer, your obsession and need to control, and desire to act impulsively or compulsively over to your Higher Power. Pray for willingness. In the beginning, you will likely need to practice this several times each day, but do it. Imagine throwing your MLCer to your Higher Power. When you want to react, say to your Higher Power, “Take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery, and show me how to live.”

4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Write about your assets, liabilities, and patterns in relationships—romantic, familial, and non-romantic. You will find out you have some things to work on—for YOU, not the MLCer. If you have trouble coming up with assets, ask friends and family what they think are your assets. You will be surprised and delighted by their answers.

5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
This is where a mentor or forum friend comes in handy. Discuss what you learned in step 4. Saying it out loud to another person is healing.

6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
Look up the definition of “humility”. Practice humility by writing down your defects of character/shortcomings. Look up the definition of each defect and the opposite of each defect. Write about how each defect affects your life and relationships.

7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
Share what you learned in step 6 with another forum member, friend, or mentor. Tell them you want these shortcomings removed. Pray or communicate with your Higher Power asking for these shortcomings to be removed. Every day, practice doing the opposite of each defect. If you are impatient, consciously practice patience. If you exhibit anger, practice being kind.

8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Along the MLC journey ALL of us have made mistakes. Likely, these mistakes harmed someone else in some way. Possibly it was the MLCer, a child, a friend, even the OW/OM (I know that is a hard one). List these people as if there were no step 9. Even if someone wronged you, this isn’t about them. This is about YOUR part and what YOU did. Write about what happened, which character defect you acted on, and how you could have done things differently.

9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
Making an amends to an MLCer may not be in your best interest, but if the time is right and appropriate, do it. Before you do, talk to someone about it first. Make amends to others when appropriate and never say, “I’m sorry but….” This is about you owning your own wrongs. Even if someone did you wrong, that’s not the point. Own your truth and you will be healed.

10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
At the end of each day, do a positive/negative inventory of yourself and how you behaved throughout the day. Whenever possible, promptly make amends. If you acted out on a character defect, practice handling things differently the next day. Also, be sure to aknowledge progress you've made and congratulate yourself on a job well done.

11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
If you don’t believe in God or a Higher Power, ask the universe or this forum for what you need and don’t forget to say prayers of gratitude. Learn to meditate through youtube videos, a class, or book on meditation. Quieting the mind for a period of time is healing.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Give back what was so freely given to you. Support others going through this MLC hell. Share about your successes and the mistakes you made.

[Seekingpatience]

Hi MoreWillBeRevealed 

Thank you so much for putting time and effort into this. I really like that it is a concrete list of things we CAN do for ourselves. I remember the early days.... when there seemed to be little hope... this would have been a life raft then.

I am one who needed structure to put one foot in front of the other and to function for my family.  This forum kept me going as well as God and my IRL friends. What you have listed is so clear especially the mirror work aspect which I believe brings compassion to ourselves as well as those in our lives including the MLCer. 

I vote this stays as a sticky if not here then in the resources.

Thanks peace and strength.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

Thank you, Seekingpatience. Obviously these steps are done over time. When I was a newcomer in recovery it took me 3-4 years to write and work through all 12 steps. The most important steps are 1-3. They can be used daily/hourly. I don't know what I would've done without these tools.