[in it]

Thanks Stayed I was very fortunate I had all of you who put up with me.

It's taken a lot of posts and educating myself. I just would like whatever I might say to someone maybe save them from the pain I have been through. I did so much damage to myself in so many ways. And most of it I did thinking I could have my family back. That wasn't to be.

 It makes me so sad to see others hurting and in so much pain.

[stayed]

You were worth it!  You MATTERED to us!  You are a success story. 

Proud of you!

There lies one of the reason's we remain.  You matter! 

Hugs Stayed

[in it]

We all do Stayed we all matter. We have to treat ourselves like we do!

And you are the other end of the success story..PROOF that by some twist of fate or divine intervention someone does snap out of it and realize what they have to lose.

We teach people how to treat us and I will defend forever that IF in this madness of whatever this is you do not go NC right off the bat you may do more damage to yourself than is necessary.

You have to put you first. Even before the kids because if you don't and they need you how in hell are you going to be there for them?? A very foreign concept to me.

You have to believe in yourself and a higher power if that comforts you..Being scared to death and doing it anyway. Courage is fear that has said it's prayers. I still have a lot to work through..trust and rejection issues. I know what I've been through..I'll figure those out to.

[hawk]

l think l'm done too, then it comes back and you realize your not quite there yet.
or some more $h!te happens and this is the only place that will understand, listen , offer some help. You have friends here that have all been on this hell ride with each other for each other,
l come and go lately, less and less, spats, got some great things happening in new life now , but the old life is still in there, it's not quite washed away yet.
For me this place is also my therapy , and l guess personally l'm just not quite ready to go it alone yet
Who else understands where we've been , everyone else thinks we're mad. move the fk on , get a life , forget the b@tch .
We,ll , we're working on it and we're doing pretty good to my mind.

But me l'm proud of the fact though that unlike most of the shallow throw away society these days , l don't take this stuff lightly or just up and jump on the next warm body 6mths after losing my family.
Even though actually , that might've been the smartest thing to do considering the way we were treated actually, dunno.

But l can go weeks without even thinking about w these days, l can be with somebody else now and not think about w these days too, so whatever l'm doing personally and however long it's taking , for myself l know it's working and l am getting there, slowly but surely and in a way that is working for me personally.
At least l think it is.
l often wonder if l shoulda done this, coulda done that,  shoulda jumped her bones, who knows. But l do know l'm getting there and to me that's the key for everyone , to do whatever works for you.

[in it]

Good for you! You are right Hawk..we are doing pretty damn good!
.And thats right like Stayed said this is where someone understands.

I moved into a relationship pretty quickly after my first divorce in my 20's and got hurt really bad again in another relationship.
Then married again in on a rebound from that..that again ended in divorce. Band aid on a hemorrage thing. There was no children involved so I handled the pain differently.

Go SLOW.

This has got to be something you heal from the inside-out.

[Shadoe]

This is a really interesting discussion, a lot of good information though I came to it a bit late I think.

Like Hawk, my time lately on HS has been sporadic but I am glad that I found it today. I agree that the LBS goes through the stages of grief cycling between the different stages. For each person it takes what it takes, there is no right or wrong amount of time for any of the stages and many are visited over again and not necessarily in the given order.

For a long time I fought the anger stage, for a variety of reasons. In the end I guess I was hoping to avoid that stage as much as possible. Anger is a secondary emotion, while it’s a natural part of being human, generally there is an underlying emotion or combination of emotions that feed the anger. Not only does the anger have to be dealt with but whatever is underlying it needs to dealt with as well. I think that is where a lot of people get stuck, dealing with the underlying emotion that is causing the anger, those emotions are uncomfortable and make us feel vulnerable or helpless. It's easier, for some, to shift into the anger mode because it can be a means of creating a sense of control or power.

I am slowly learning that it’s okay to be angry, it’s not the anger that is bad it’s what I choose to do with that anger that is either good or bad. But like stayed and many others have said, I come here because here people understand, they understand when I don’t. They understand like no one else can that hasn’t been through it.

Rugged – It’s not fair, it will never be fair. No matter how much logic we try to apply to it the unfairness will never change. Like you, I tried to build the life and family I didn’t have as a child only to have it all blown up around me and have the person I loved betray me in the worst possible way. But as OP and many others, Stayed, Medusa, UM .. too many to name.. have all said.. it’s not about us. It’s not something we did right or wrong this is something in them that they have to deal with, we can’t help them and we can’t fix them. Your wife has to find her own way just as you have to find yours. Look at yourself, if there are things there you aren’t happy with change them, if you are happy with who you are then hold you head up and move forward into the life you want.

The things we focus on are the things that grow. This certainly isn’t the life I would have chosen but it is the only one I have. When I first began this unwanted journey, I didn’t think I would make it, didn’t know if I could survive it. But two years into it, things look much different than they did in the beginning. Who I am now is not who I was then. Given a choice I would have picked just about any other way to learn the lessons I have but I wasn't given a choice but hopefully I am making the best out of what I was given.

It’s all about Time.. and what we do with the time that is given to us.

[gman242]

Stayed,

I personally want to thank you and any one who hangs around, for free, to help others out. You're a blessing unto yourself, a true angel, all of you. Do not underestimate the comfort you give others. I've never seen, nor been so thankful before for a place like this.

[Roma]

I agree with you gman! Stayed and everyone else who sticks around are very special people. I give thanks as well!

[FaithWalker]

I agree with you gman! Stayed and everyone else who sticks around are very special people. I give thanks as well!

Yes, thank you!

I feel like that is a good part of this life we never wanted.  The gift part.  To have empathy for the others coming after us, and to be able to share in some way in their healing.  I'm new in this, but have had a few people come to me in real life to ask me questions as they are struggling through some of the same things that they see me dealing with.

[OldPilot]

Stayed,

I personally want to thank you and any one who hangs around, for free, to help others out. You're a blessing unto yourself, a true angel, all of you. Do not underestimate the comfort you give others. I've never seen, nor been so thankful before for a place like this.

This is called Paying it FORWARD, as their is NO COST to the users of this site,
we ask that all users help to PAY the service forward to others that come after us.

Thank you!