[MoreWillBeRevealed]

Rugged,

You keep making excuses for your behavior and reactions. You are stuck in victim mode. It's time to get outside help for this. You say, "I did this, but..." You won't start healing as long as you are stuck. Please have an open mind and get help. Stop focusing on her. Live your life.

[Dji76]

In It, I disagree. Anger keeps us very much attached to the situation.

[ruggedendurance]

morewillbe,

You are correct.   I am stuck.

I have long periods where things seem to be okay.   It appears that I have enough things going for me.    I feel good about myself.

Then it gets to this time of year.

Just like the baptism I wasn't invited to.   I will be spending all of the holidays on my own again this year.   The big difference being.    At least I will get a phone call.   Or I can call one of my boys.

Not totally stuck.   Not living life wide open either

[Thunder]

I think this time of year is very hard on a lot people.  You're not alone.

It's supposed to be a festive "family" time.  Not the case for many.

[OldPilot]

How do you guys handle the manic episodes/rants?
When do these stop? After 1 year, 18 months, 2 years?

I think anywhere from 6 months to two years to never.

We can not control them, best to detach and let them rant and rave.

[nah]

R- seems to me that you aren't really stuck as much as cycling. Which is normal especially around the holidays.

[in it]

D- I respect your opinion. I don't claim sainthood.

[ruggedendurance]

I've never been a "fake it till you make it" kind of guy.    If I'm pissed,  I'm pissed.   If somebody does me an injustice, I have to rail against it.   If someone does something kind, I need to acknowledge that also.
I guess.  I react more than I think.
So.  I actually put some thought into my actions.....   Why do I need to get amazingly drunk to get rid of the pain?   What exactly is causing all of the pain?   My family?   Her crisis?   The loss of all family activities during the holidays?
Yup, all of those.   But there is one that is worse than the others.
When I feel close to giving up on her........   when I desperately want to turn my back and start a new life with someone else..........
That is the most painful thing that washes over me.
To give up on my dream of a family...... My family.
With the woman that I spent 30yrs with.   Natural mom and dad, grandma and grandpa.......
I get into my own head and I see no way for her to be a human being......   I see pictures of a wrinkled bag of venomous skin and I am sickened by her.
I got on this site because it offered hope.   Hope that these deranged pieces of $hit can somehow snap out of it.   Somehow be as sickened by their behavior as I am.   Then.   Make as large an effort to fix it as they did to wreck it.

While I'm at it.   I'm not so sure that all of the people on this site are being honest with themselves.   I hear the rhetoric on here and it sounds phony to me.    All of the people on here, that seem to have all the answers.    All they do is recycle the same phrases over and over.    The same mantra.

If that mantra fixed anything.   Wouldn't you all have lives outside of HS?

That is what I am hoping for myself.    A family to take up all of my time.   

My dream is to check into HS once a year.   Around the holidays and tell people that this crisis doesn't go on forever.   It just seems like it.    Hang in there if you want to.    This can turn out amazingly well...........

[gman242]

This is just my two cents, for those dealing with anger and needing to detach..

It is hard, having known your spouse and quite possibly the issues they faced in their past that is contributing to or causing the MLC, to want to let go of them.

The reality is though, in the course of the MLC, they have one foot in and one foot out of the marriage. If you had just met this person, would you let them treat you the way they do? Of course not. You too need to have one foot in and foot out and you need to put more weight on the latter.

Use that anger and all of that hurt and channel it through faith, faith in yourself, God, your friends, your family, that you will get through this with their help, and live like they aren't coming back. If they don't make amends, do you want them back? No, so start building that life now. If they can fix themselves, they can come with. If not, who needs 'em at that point?

The scariest thing is facing the unknown and having to rebuild. The only thing that helps make the unfamiliar familiar is time and that's something we keep saying here over and over.

Just keep in mind they did things to you that you wouldn't accept in a total stranger. Yes be ready to forgive one day, but also be ready to walk away from them like you would that stranger.

That's the key to GAL.

[stayed]

I can see how you might think many of the people in here are disingenuous!  Repeating the same mantra!  Questioning why oldies are still hanging around such a depressing place, if they are healed or reconciled.  I don't know why, morbid curiosity maybe?  It really does HURT less with time.  None of us enjoy seeing the raw pain of the newbies, something about that, that never is totally forgotten.  Pity, if there is one thing all of us would love to forget, it would be that. 

Personally, I have the time.  There are worse things I could be doing... but you certainly are right to question us about it.  I am constantly questioning myself, too. I do remember though, how I would sign onto my support group way back when this happened, if nobody was there, omg, I wanted to slit my wrists.  If somebody was there and would chat with me... the relief was intense.  I didn't care who it was.  I didn't care if it was one of the "kick his ass to the curb" types, or just hang in there or heck, let's pray together.  I just didn't care.  There was another human being somewhere on this planet that was there and they knew what I was feeling.  There is no way of expressing my gratitude, for their presence. 

I wish for everybody to be healed.  To resume living their lives well.  To place this behind them, leaving the bitterness and sadness with it. 

InIt, your advise has been amazing.  You have come a long way my friend.  You were so terribly angry and so hurt.  It is lovely seeing you calmer and settled. 

hugs Stayed