[Velika]

Yes Strength I agree with what M3G said. My MLCer's OW sent me a letter via registered mail and people on this forum encouraged me to forward unopened to my attorney. My attorney has told me three times how glad she is I did this.

From now on, block her texts and/or forward to your attorney. She may be guilty of harassment and you can get a restraining order. Don't read them anymore, at the very least.

[strength]

Thank you so much.  I haven't taken calls and OW is blocked.  I no longer care what OW has to say.  Our children want nothing to do with H and OW.  I take life one day at a time for now.  Some days are better than others.  I just want to get H out of my heart and mind.  I certainly know H doesn't give me 5 minutes of his day.  It is horrendous how these OW feel entitled to bother us after being the home wrecking ows that they are.  OW would love to get pregnant so she can lock in H's $$$$.  OW would never have to work and live like she never has in her 24 years.  Our children would never be a part of the child, if it came to that.  OW tells everyone "I fell in love with him the first day I met him at work".  OW knew H position in corporation.  OW knew what she was after, and didn't care what she did along with H to destroy the M and family.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Strength, OW will be out of the picture when the Chemo starts to get the best of him. As long as you're the wife, she won't get what she thinks she's entitled to. Your children will see to that: Does Anna Nicole Smith ring any bells?

This little girl is living in a fantasy world that will come crashing down soon enough. Those women never really get what they want, and if he's sick? Well, let's just say that if you drag out the D she will do something really desperate and stupid. Give everything that you have on them to your lawyer, no matter how embarrassing. Or private. This will help you, and if it does come down to a divorce, you win and she loses.

She's also been watching too many movies if you ask me. That type always does. Thinks it will be just like the movies where she gets everything and you get nothing. Too bad she doesn't know about this site.

This is going to get harder before it get easier. I know that it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. You'll have to put your feelings aside and fight for what's rightfully yours in the event of a divorce. Don't kid yourself, if you don't do it, she'll get everything while you're hoping that he snaps out of this. Protect yourself at all costs. Do it now, while he's being generous. The rest of us can tell you what happens when the OW has his ear for too long. Do what you have to do now. He may or may not snap out of this, and if he doesn't the OW will make sure you are left with nothing.

[gman242]

Den, I could use an honest opinion. My thread is below.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8380.0

Quick recap: W is depressed throughout the marriage, gets worse year before BD in July 16, runs out finds OM, gets pregnant, initiates divorce, moves in with him late oct. 3 days later, after dropping off our son, she cries and says she's screwed up and going to make this right. W cancels the divorce (after I distance myself and box up her stuff, take down photos etc), undoes some minor damage, compliments me a lot, apologizes and generally tries not to "get on my bad side" and tries to connect with me over past memories, hobbies etc.

I'm taking a "see how it goes" attitude towards her right now. I don't bring up any R talks or have an expectations, just try to act like we're friends / civil when she initiates it.

Do you have any advice for me? There seem to be two distinct camps for what I fall into..  the cut 'em off, they're cake eating camp and the they can reconnect while there is Op in the picture. I honestly don't feel like OM is a real relationship. He was and is putting her up simply because she's pregnant. She moved in with a friend where he paid her rent and then she moved to his house I guess when it got too expensive. Since day one W has said she doesn't want to loose me.

I'm here, but watching and distant. I'm just curious if you have any perspective. Thanks for all you've given the forum with this thread!

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Gman. Seeing that Den is a female, she's giving you great insight. One thing I can tell you from having a few friends who have gone through this: W will be devastated if you were to move on. With or without a new woman in your life.

If your wife is monstering at you, then NC is the only way you can stop the abuse. If it's not as bad as what some of us have gone through then keep up the contact. Cake eating is only done if you're still acting like you can't live without her. It's all about them feeling empowered. The more power you give over to her, the longer this lasts. She sees you as weak. Period.

You keep asking the same questions over and over again, the answers aren't going to change. Some of it just is what it is. You're going to drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. You are a rational, mature, sane human being. If you were to figure this out, then you would be crazy too.

I know that you're hurting, we all were at first. It's something that you'll just have to accept. She's going to be like this until she isn't anymore. You'll have to live your life like she's not coming back, whether you want to or not. For your own sake. They can and will drive you crazy, if you let them. That's one, that those of us who've been on this crazy ride have figured out.

NOTHING YOU DO WILL CHANGE ANYTHING. Accept that, and allow yourself to heal. If she does come back, you have to be healthy enough to deal with a broken person. If you're still broken, there will be no reason to come back.

Heal, get yourself back on track. If she comes back, you'll need more strength than when she left to repair things. I know people who have reconciled and are still having to be patient with the MLCer that has finally come back to their senses. You are the strong one, never forget that.

You have to face your own control issues on this. I'm not saying that you're a controlling person. We all go into control mode when this happens. The question is: How long are you going to stay in control mode? If you will accept what is happening, then you will be able to handle the situation as it plays out. If not, you'll still be in the same place you are now in the coming years. You're stuck, and it's not helping you at this point.

Give yourself a break, stop trying to figure her out: you can't. She has no clue what's going on inside her, so believe me you won't. Time is what's needed. You have to detach or else she will continue to torment you, and it will be your own fault for allowing her to do it. The best way to play the game is not to play, and believe me it's a very sick game. Stop playing, get a grip on your own life, and heal. You'll be better off for it.

[Watcher]

Good advice My3girls. It is difficult breaking our old patterns/ behaviors. I have found its easier to move forward staying in NC. She is abusive and crazy Monster so it is warranted. We are out of each others hair and yes, she was driving me nuts while we lived together.

I am now 18 months exactly, evenly split with 9 months living together and 9 months separated. Nothing concurrent. A lot of back and forth. It took me to the last time to realize that I'm out for good for the both of our sakes.

I struggle with the concept that I'm running a family from outside of the house. It's definitely bizarre. This whole experience is just strange. I'm at peace and I'm calm. Maybe thats the point in this journey where Im supposed to be. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing something but as you point out. Nothing I do will change anything. She will be done with this when she is done with this.

Now I also agree, my W is going to be devastated if I find someone else. More likely if someone finds me. But she left the door open. Time will tell.

She also tells me all the time, Watcher I know that you love me. I don't tell her anymore and she is adamant that she must hear it. In her case, she just cares for me. Hahaha.

My current issue. She lives in the family home with our boys. Of course I pay the mortgage and private school for the boys along with some other items. I believe that I am doing the right thing for my sons. Am I hindering her mlc or should I not even be concerned with that thought. My focus has been the two boys and their stability. I do question myself sometimes that I feel like I'm being played. There really is no clean way to approach this.

[gman242]

M3G,

It's not so much that I'm asking the same thing over and over, it's just that I haven't been sure of what I've been trying to ask. I've just found and read through Den's thread and she hit a point I'm at now.. the LBS confusion, fear and conditioning to see the black lining under everything: Am I enabling cake eating? Am I letting myself be two timed, played or used even? Am I perhaps even stunting her growth?

I'm sure I'm preaching to the choir when I say this, but whenever I talk to anyone or they ask how I'm doing, they feel free to jump in with their two cents and that doesn't help out the LBS confusion any either. They of course neglect to see (or respond to) that yes, I'm living like she's not coming back. I've lost 40 pounds, I've reconnected with some buddies, I'm putting more time into my son, mentoring other youth, I'm re doing my house, Oh W? She said this, did that the other day. ( I don't talk to her unless she talks to me and then I just mirror her, don't ask, don't tell, don't offer, don't help..)

Nearly everyone's response is the same to just the W part: "You need to cut that cake eating b!tch off at the knees! You want to live your life like that forever?!" Given my own abusive past and PTSD, it's hard to even want to reach out to people after being given so much "advice".

I am living my own life and W sees it. She's kissing butt, trying to get me to notice her through cat videos and recipes she sends online, apologizing and trying to show she's changing to the point of being a bit insecure. the day I packed her stuff up was the day I moved on. Yes, I've had some stress I've had to cycle off and I've had some ups and downs but that was my line in the sand. And I have absolutely lived every word I've spoken to others here.

If your wife is monstering at you, then NC is the only way you can stop the abuse. If it's not as bad as what some of us have gone through then keep up the contact. Cake eating is only done if you're still acting like you can't live without her. It's all about them feeling empowered. The more power you give over to her, the longer this lasts. She sees you as weak. Period.

This is the answer I was looking for. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was flinging crap towards the wall, but hey, it worked and you said the right thing. My W isn't monstering and W has taken the submissive role, so your comment about cake eating is what I needed to answer my question.

I'm not trying to control any aspect of this.. I was just trying to find the answer that fit my situation. And I'll be honest, it's tough. You've got pay for websites, free ones, several forums, your own peanut gallery.. it just ain't easy trying to understand what works for you and what doesn't when there's so much and so many varied situations out there.

And to come full circle, it's about me. Yes, I want to leave the door open, but I don't want to be used, played or manipulated. That's just a fear that's on everyone's mind I'm sure..

Also, don't read into what I put in my thread too much. I'm an observer by nature and it helps just to journal and do a brain dump every now and then, I just tend to report more than emote. That doesn't mean I'm over analyzing anything.

[Thunder]

gman,

You're not asking anything the rest of us haven't asked over and over again.
This is very hard to get your head around.  It takes time.

There's nothing wrong with going NC or dark for awhile.  It gives you a break from it all.

Just keep detaching as much as you can.
Keep journaling your feelings, it helps.   

[Velika]

Gman, I can empathize. In my experience most HS members could look over their own advice to other people -- and that is probably the best advice for their own situation.

One of the best things my own therapist has done for me is to be very patient with my process and know when to gently push based on where I was. Another therapist friend pointed out that forums can be great for support but people are not professionally trained. In general, I think the advice and support on this forum is so helpful, but I have also had moments of frustration when I just wanted to share my observations, questions, and complaints and received the well intentioned but often unhelpful directive to "GAL" or "detach," both of which are essentially meaningless to a newly traumatized person or someone still navigating the grief process.

My therapist told me it is normal for a person with PTSD to ask "why?" He also told me this is the most difficult thing he has ever helped anyone navigate.

[gman242]

Velika, I've really cut back on calling people and letting them talk to me when they call and want to check up on how I'm doing. It's partly because I have to relive the same stories over and over (which doesn't help with anything emotionally) and also because everyone wants to rush in and help with the same advice.

You're right, people are trying to be helpful, but they aren't therapists. I do agree with the "why" thing, especially for trauma that is centered in childhood. I can see that I fall into that pattern too, not necessarily with my particular question here, but in general. It leaves a definite mark and question in ones mind about how people can be so cold, cruel and callous, without empathy, and then without trying, we find ourselves back in the same patterns of abuse, struggling to know and understand why. I would't be surprised to find that's the underlying reason why many of us are on this forum.

I am seeing a therapist and I'm trying to lean on that more as a main means of support.

Thunder, it does help going dim I don't have to though as W seems to do it herself; fast and heavy and then out, maybe when she feels she's gotten to close for her own comfort. Or sometimes it hums along.. with touch and go-s and apologies.