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Author Topic: Discussion Navigating through the fog - personal experiences

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Discussion Navigating through the fog - personal experiences
OP: November 15, 2016, 03:07:15 AM
UM,

Well when my H went on dates I didnt care. He would tell me about his dates in an upbeat way like he was looking forward to it. Maybe he was but i could smell desperation from him to get a reaction. He absolutely was going on dates but i knew those dates meant nothing to him he was just staying busy. As long as he was actively sharing the details of his date and things he was doing i felt secure in my depressed state. What made things change was when he stopped sharing the details of his dates, he stopped including me in anything, he stopped asking me out on dated and he stopped asking me to go to family events. He was still nice and cordial but I noticed the shift instantly.

Thats when i had my awakening. It still took me another 6-8 months to even try to turn things around. It was like I could see I was getting left behind but i wasnt strong enough just yet to make my way back. I finally found the strength to sit down and share some things with him and my feelings but by then he was already dealing with MLC caused by FOO issues, divorce, and 2 deaths back to back of people very close to him. So in essence you can get a life they will notice but they wont do anything still until you are almost slipping away.

UM, i did meet a guy and he help bring on the fog. He was kind, attentive, happy easy go lucky. It wasnt anything i didnt like about this guy yet I knew deep down he was not going to be the person i grew old with. He was like a last chance to explore people and places i havent prior to. I had a good carefree time with him but the whole time i was looking back making sure H was where i left him. The guy i met was 8 years younger than me. I liked this guy i really did,but i loved my H and i knew my future was with him i just wanted to get whatever I was feeling out of my system. I was aware of the risk i was taking but it was something i felt I had to do. It feels like i pretty much had to sense i was losing or I had lost everything to come out of my depression ro start working on the damage I caused.

Denjef31

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8451.0
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« Last Edit: November 25, 2019, 04:45:52 AM by Thunder »

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Re: Navigating through the fog - personal experiences
#1: November 15, 2016, 02:12:26 PM
Mine was very guarded about her business and life too.
She was surprising open with the everyday stuff but very cagey on anything private.
well apart from going away or this cruise she went on.Those she couldn't wait to have a gloat about when l asked.

l think they do still think about us 24  7 too. l just saw things you know,
noticed funny things for someone that wasn't suppose to care anymore.
still do now , even when she stopped talking to me for a few mths,
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« Last Edit: November 15, 2016, 02:13:54 PM by hawk »
Together 19yrs
BD, 2012
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Re: Navigating through the fog - personal experiences
#2: November 15, 2016, 06:36:34 PM
Handpuppets,

Towards the end of my depression, I did reach out to him more. Despite what we LBS think, when they are ready to try to repair the damage they will indeed come forth to let their desire to come back to the marriage be known. Just as much as I shut him down and treated him like he had the plague, I was also quick to let him know I still loved him and wanted to work on the marriage when the depression lifted. It was gradual though, at first I asked if he wanted to come over with me and the kids to watch tv, then I remember making up another excuse all kid related at first. I was testing him to see how receptive he was. Then one night I asked if he wanted to stay over. He asked me to stay over his place instead.

He was unsure of what was happening because I turned him down left and right every chance I got. He also by then was dealing with MLC and in replay. He did all the things I did to him, withdraw, come close,withdraw, disappear, and get clingy when he thinks I am going to move on. If your spouse is doing these things then they have some awareness of what they are doing. They also may not want to lose you and have not made their mind up about the other person. Sometimes they may even be like me, entertaining someone else for pure fun and selfishness but know deep down they belong with you and will return home at some point. It is better for them to leave as to not hurt you anymore than
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Re: Navigating through the fog - personal experiences
#3: November 15, 2016, 07:12:37 PM
laptop died sorry. I was saying they dont want to hurt you more than they already have so they retreat to do what it is they feel they need to do. At least that was my rationale behind my running away.
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Re: Navigating through the fog - personal experiences
#4: November 15, 2016, 07:55:50 PM
Butterfly, if your H has said this he is telling the truth. Now MLC do lie, but usually not about their feelings towards their spouse. I never told my H I didnt love him, I told him I was not inlove with him because that is what I believed at the time. I told him to move on with his life, and go find a girlfriend. I remember being full of rage to I actually would scream it at him to move on then slam the phone down. I know now those feelings were always there just hidden and protected safe from my own self destruction.

I didnt even realize I was depressed for 3 years. I went to my primary doctor, a psychiatrist and a counselor and they all diagnosed me as depressed.Ihave tried wellbutrin, celexa, prozac, and clonazepam but I would never stay on them because I refused to believe I was depressed. My answer was get a new life, I was just unhappy with H.

It just takes time to work through the issues, and once H finally dropped the rope and let me twist in the wind is when I finally took a look within and straighten the h$ll up. Again, I could have stayed in that state of depression indefinitely as long as he was willing to hold on and go down in flames with me.
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Re: Navigating through the fog - personal experiences
#5: November 15, 2016, 09:58:38 PM
Denje

Your description of yourself sounds just like my H.  Refused to take medication for depression, said it just made him feel numb and masked his feelings.  Said he was unhappy with me.  In his eyes removing himself from me would solve all his problems.  I have a clinging boomerang so I don't know how he justifies all this to himself now! 

Can I ask you, when you finally accepted that you suffered with depression, did you take medication for it?

Thanks Cat

Sorry for the hijack UM!!

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Re: Navigating through the fog - personal experiences
#6: November 16, 2016, 07:03:49 AM
Sorry UM, i have done a bad thing.....I hijacked your thread sorry about that!! Anyone has a question for me that I havent already answered pls go to my thread and i will answer there. Again sorry UM😉
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Re: Navigating through the fog - personal experiences
#7: November 16, 2016, 07:07:41 AM
Sorry UM, i have done a bad thing.....I hijacked your thread sorry about that!! Anyone has a question for me that I havent already answered pls go to my thread and i will answer there. Again sorry UM😉

Den, you have NOT done a "bad thing"at all. This has, arguably been one of the best discussions that I have seen here for a while. I have split this part of my thread off to its own discussion topic - I hope the title is OK... This has been VERY insightful and I think of significant help to more than a few people... OK, I had to create a new thread after it blew up over the weekend but the conversation should REALLY continue, here or elsewhere.....
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« Last Edit: November 16, 2016, 07:13:46 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 60, xW - 54
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 16, D - 12
1 Dog
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019
Moved on in life

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Navigating through the fog - personal experiences
#8: November 16, 2016, 07:30:25 AM
The title is perfect considering the topic. No worries UM, I am just glad you are not mad your thread got off topic.
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Re: Navigating through the fog - personal experiences
#9: November 16, 2016, 07:31:44 AM
Den-
I have pulled some quotes from you that I would be curious to hear more about, if you don't mind. 

I liked this guy i really did,but i loved my H and i knew my future was with him i just wanted to get whatever I was feeling out of my system. I was aware of the risk i was taking but it was something i felt I had to do.:  I have told my H this so many times, that he just needs to go and do whatever it is that he feels he needs to do otherwise he will implode; he hasn't left.  He's terrified to leave (his words). 

They also may not want to lose you and have not made their mind up about the other person. Sometimes they may even be like me, entertaining someone else for pure fun and selfishness but know deep down they belong with you and will return home at some point.:  I truly believe this is going on with my H.  2 MOWs and no one is making a move.  It's a sense of entitlement

I told him to move on with his life, and go find a girlfriend. I remember being full of rage to I actually would scream it at him to move on:  he tells me this all the time.  You deserve someone so much better than me.  Go find someone.  Is it to relieve guilt b/c of what he's doing? 

once H finally dropped the rope and let me twist in the wind:  how did he do this and how did you feel when he did?
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