[denjef31]

Okay, started a new thread since this seems to be a popular thread.

From old thread trying to respond to a few post. Someone asked when or how do you reconnect if you do NC. I didn't do no contact as I am not a fan of it and I only advocate it when the situation involves abuse of some kind. For those LBS who find themselves getting monster behavior from your spouse I sympathize and I understand why the decision for NC was initiated.

Now what I am about to say may not be what some want to hear as we are all here hoping to reconcile and restore our marriage, however, having said that I firmly believe our spouse has to want to reconnect at some point. They have to want to stop running, want to stop inappropriate and angry behavior. If you have a spouse who has went months without calling to just check up on you, or do the quick stop by then maybe it is not time to rebuild just yet. Maybe they believe it is for the best and they are firm in their belief that they are better off.

I would go weeks without calling my H when I was depressed. I thought about him everyday but I was happy as I was. Even when I decided to leave OM alone, I still did not immediately reach out or try to start rebuilding with my H. I still had work to do on myself. I still was figuring me out. After weeks, maybe even a month or so of H not calling me hoping that I would reach out he would give in and call or just stop by. I was happy to see him, and I enjoyed the interaction as long as he kept it light. Meaning we would laugh and joke, talk about current news, comedy, flirt, a silly joke etc. It is not easy reaching out so I would say to start off by a simple call to say hello, have a purpose for calling to relay some information, then simply ask how have you been? Let them answer then you promptly end the call. Be in a jolly mood and don't linger on that phone trying to make a conversation out of nothing, or gasp let the dead air linger on the call.

You will have to do this several times, as they have to get comfortable talking to you without fighting. They will be on guard and not receptive at first. But if you are consistent they should come around. Then you start eventually following this up by offering them to come in when they pick kids up, ask them if they want something to drink, update them on the kids, then smile as you wave to them goodbye out the door. Again don't let it seem like you are trying to make conversation, or trying to prolong conversation. At this stage you are just be friendly and being consistent that you are open and receptive to positive interaction with them.

If you are thinking after doing this a couple of time they will start being nice and you will be friends you will be mistaken. They do not trust you, it takes time to rebuild a friendship, it takes time for a person to let their guard down, learn to open up, and talk to you. So please do not expect immediate results, and please don't expect to see any positive signs that this is working at all. They will be suspicious of you so they will be questioning to themselves your sincerity. They will wonder what has changed? Why are you trying to be nice? Consistency pays off!

At some point they will start to smile, speak to you, be happy to see you although not verbally telling you that, then they will start to linger around the house, initiate conversation, and start to share things with you. The friendship starts growing, and trust is being rebuilt. Now would not be the time to consider if relationship talk should come up or the status of OM/OW. Keep working on positive interaction and the rest will follow. Gradually slowly but surely. What you are essentially doing is replacing OM/OW, your spouse started confiding in OM/OW because they were nice, receptive and willing to listen without expectations( at first), you became the nag. You have to reverse the roles. Let OM/OW nag, and you become the friend.

Denjef31


Previous Thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412

[Butterfly777]

Great advice!! Thank you....how are you Den?

[denjef31]

Very good! Got a 92 on my pharmacology test today and this 12 week quarter is coming to a close soon. I thought I would pop in and catch up. Thanks for asking Butterfly, I guess I should be asking how are you doing?

[Butterfly777]

You're doing so well in school, that's so awesome! I'm also glad to hear you're good as well. I'm doing okay . I can honestly say each day gets better and better. The more I get a life and detach the more I feel good about myself . I still miss my H and see him once a week and talk on the phone once a week but sometimes I think that's when I might cycle . But when I'm by myself I seem to be just fine . The holidays are bringing up some emotions but this year I'm going to spend it with my son and grandson . It's nice to be able to count my blessings these days . Thank you so much for asking ! I have to tell you , this thread has been so beneficial ! Thanks again for all of your advice and for being so open!! I hope you get some rest :-) hugs!

[No expectations]

Thanks Denjaf,
Your perspective has helped me so much.   I really appreciate your words of wisdom

[Treasure]

Attaching x

[UrsaMajor]

Congrats on the Pharma Exam! WooHoo! Party time for Christmas!

[denjef31]

Congrats on the Pharma Exam! WooHoo! Party time for Christmas!

THanks UM!!!! Studying for a test tomorrow and another on Monday. It never ends but I am ready!!!

[No expectations]

Denjaf,

Congratulations!  You're amazing

[denjef31]

UKStander,

Replying to your post from the other thread. You wanted to know more about the 20 year old me popping back up during my depression. Well when I was 20 I didn't have any responsibilities. I would party all night, sleep on a friend's couch, go home shower, and get ready for the next party night that included clubbing, drinking, socializing with people I had just met as well as old friends. Not being very dependable or honoring commitments. Nor was I good at keeping a job during that time. When I was depressed, I felt and saw some behavior that resonated with me from my early 20's. I hadn't had a desire to go to a club, or party in over 15 years but as soon as the depression hit I suddenly felt almost like a mourning come over me for what was, what I have missed out on.

I tried to make up for what I felt I didn't get to do or experience that I saw some of the young people doing now. I started going back out to clubs, drinking heavily, driving while drunk, staying out all night, all my plans now involved what I wanted to do and did not include my kids. I felt for the last 15 years my identity was not my identity. I had sacrificed myself to be a mom. I met a ton of young people that I befriended and found myself trying to fit in with the young crowd, keep up with what they were doing, dressing more inappropriate to fit in. When I say clubs I mean the clubs where the 20 year olds can get in, a place where a mature crowd wouldn't be caught dead in.

You just don't go from devoted mom to clubber unless something is seriously wrong. So for a period of time that was my life, I didn't worry about the kids. Some days I couldn't even get out of the bed, I was hurting but I didn't know why I felt like that. I just knew I needed to make some changes to make myself happy. My initial choice to numb the pain was chasing my youth. When that excitement wore off, I chose to be friendly with OM. They all wore off just as quickly as they started, and then a lightbulb went off and I took a hard look at my choices. Realized I still wasn't happy with myself. Realized that clubbing was not making me happy, and nor was OM. In fact I felt worse because I was starting to not recognize myself.

That's when I decided to stop running, I decided that the life I had was better than the life I was living. I realized it's okay to be a great devoted mom, it's okay to be comfortable and married. I no longer wanted to be single or live the single life, I no longer yearned for the admiration of men. I realized what I had all along was all that I needed. All my adult life I struggled with still wanting to be single, and wanting to be admired and drooled over by men. When the depression lifted, the feelings I have struggled with for so long also lifted and there are gone. I do not need nor do I want to be admired by other men. I only want the affection and admiration from my H. Those feelings I struggled with for so long stems from love and affection I felt that I didn't get when I was a child from my parents. My parents were older parents when they had me and had divorced . My mother was suffering mental health issues at that time, and a part time dad who didn't live in the home.

I felt pretty much on my own growing up, my mom was too sick to feed me, take care of me properly. I survived but not without suffering feelings of being unwanted, abandon and not loved. My mom still is sick but I see things differently, she did the best she could do despite her mental illness. My dad and I were stronger and solid as ever before he died. It's a journey I had to go on, I am stronger than ever. I feel I can handle and take on whatever comes my way. The love I have now sustains me, but it wasn't always that way.


Denjef31