[Watcher]

Attaching and Thank You Denjef.

[No expectations]

Denjaf,

Once again, thank you for your perspective.  Maybe my H will be able to work through his own issues and come back stronger.  I hope so.  I am trying very hard to give him the time and space he needs to do that.  The problem is, he is filling up every minute of his life with work and playing, so he doesn't have to work through the pain.  So it will take time.  In the meantime, I am working on being happy with ME.  At least that is someone I will always have.

[strength]

denjef,  Thank you for being so active on this site and helping all of us LBS see some insight of the MLC.  I can't imagine my H ever being sorry or wanting the beautiful life he had, with family, children and myself.  H shows no sign of caring or wanting any part of M.  I see some of what you say, when I speak to H.  When I flew home a few times H was up and down.  H life is very twisted and H is miserable, but happy with OW.  Makes no sense to me anymore.

[Beacon]

Wow Den all of what you just described sounds just like my W. I haven't posted on this thread yet but I read it all the time, it has been very beneficial for all of us. Thank you for taking the time to rehash your experience.

My W is currently slowing down with the Replay behavior but she like you loved the attention of men and also had a mother who did not take care of her when she was young. She has the feelings of being unwanted/ not worthy.

Anyways I think your advice is fantastic and great job on your schooling in Pharmacology.

[denjef31]

You are all welcome, if it helps any of you then I am happy to do it.

Strength,

Oh I wish I could give you a big hug that is the nurse in me reading your responses and feel you are in a lot of pain still. You must stop feeling sorry for yourself, you must stop worrying about if H wants to come back to the marriage or not someday. I cant stress to you enough that you have more control than you think you do. Your progress also determines H ability to progress thru the tunnel. H does not determine your happiness or lack of it. Your H is sick and he is lost.

Stop worrying about what you think he "feels" because you will never know for certain until he decides to share that with you. What you do know is that your H is off in a mental crisis right now and not choosing the best way to handle it. Despite all that you are still breathing, still living, still surviving. At some point you do have to start living as if he will never come back. Not saying that to encourage you to give up but I am saying this because you need to get to a place that gives you a position of strength.

Your strength, will draw your H to that. We are looking for someone to save us, to help us help ourselves. If you are a mess then who is that person for your spouse? If I am picking up that from a post imagine what your H has picked up when he has seen or talked to you? Feeling sorry for yourself or grieving your marriage just sends them running, he will not want to talk to you he just not in a place where he can handle the guilt that comes with it.

A day without your spouse is too long, yet depression can go on for years. Unfortunately depression doesn't work on the LBS spouse time frame, and some of you are expecting or wanting to much from a person who is emotionally and mentally unavailable to anybody. Time drags and moves very slow for the LBS, and stands still for the MLC'er. I know some of you are thinking and feeling how can my spouse show love to another person, how can they be there for someone else while abandoning me and/or our children?

The reason they are able to do that is because they have checked out emotionally and mentally. They have decided unconsciously to leave that life (the life with you) behind. They want something new, something different, a fresh start. Many people think about starting over, or if they could do things differently. Very few people make changes to really try to start over, but for the MLC'er that is a requirement. They must start over. As painful as that is to read it is the truth. Even if your spouse married Mr. or Mrs. Perfect this still would have happened to them. This is not about you or the kids. You are just a casualty of twisted thinking.

The sooner you can get past the hurt and betrayal of it all the quicker you can get to true healing. Things can change so quickly and suddenly with depressed people, stop thinking about the time that has lapsed that you are not with him and he is with OW and start thinking about the time that has lapsed and you have not truly lived for yourself. Strength you will get where you need to be it just takes time but it starts with changing how you deal with things that are done to you. You can look at it as betrayal or learning experiences. Maybe perhaps from all of this the MLC'er and the LBS are being taught a lesson and from this comes growth. Do not mourn what was, but embrace what can be. You decide the future!

Denjef31

[No expectations]

Wow Denjaf, thank you again for your words.  I know you wrote that for Strength, but it sure hit home with me, and I'm sure, many of us.  I am trying to find my place of peace and growth for ME.  I learn so much from you, and everyone, and I appreciate it so much.  I WILL make it through this.  And I WILL be okay.  No matter what!

[Dumbfounded]

Wow!! I really needed that post you wrote for strength today. I have been struggling with how to move forward today. Good stuff!!

[Butterfly777]

Right on Denjef!!! I am telling you the years that I have been reading here this is got to be the best thread yet ! In the beginning yes it's very hard and painful you can barely get up off the floor but once you start to realize all of this – amen!!!! Thank you for this unique perspective that is a blessing for all of us LBSs. I can't begin to tell you how much I look forward to seeing what's posted next here and it is a huge boost to my self-confidence and actually allows me to feel sorry for my H rather than angry . It gives me a direction in which I should pray , you are a blessing to us all Denjef!!

[Butterfly777]

Strength....

 I also want to reach out and give you a great big hug ! And yes I absolutely agree with everything Denjef I said but in the same token I'll share this. I'm not sure if it was on this thread or on another but it was mentioned that for every year you were married it takes a month of grieving before you start taking care of your life . I did the math for myself and funny enough it was right on . And even reading other threads I've noticed the change in people at the appropriate time. If I remember correctly you were married for 35 years and bomb drop was only so many months ago , so you have a little bit more to go . So I'm gonna reach out and give you a great big cyber hug and tell you we all understand what you're feeling and going through and the devastation!! Hang in there and believe me everything that everyone is telling you is the truth . Time does heal and everything that Denjef is telling you is extremely helpful ! I also see that Thunder is your mentor , she is awesome hand knowledgeable and has a lot to offer . Press in and press on!!!!     HUGS!!

[Shelly7435]

Denjaf: Yes, Thank you.

Strength: Please know we all care and also know what you are going through.  We will get there together on this journey.  Hugs to you!